We couldn’t possibly pass up one of the final opportunities to make fun of “24.” With the series finale coming up next Monday, we had to get at least one more 24 Mockery segment posted.  This might be the best edition yet, as we debate who would win in a fight between Jack Bauer and two other legendary movie stars.

John: after last night’s episode, I think we need to do an old school 24 mockery
DV: haha…I think we can sum up the episode like this…action packed? yes…. retarded?… yes.
John: haha…yes. Retarded indeed
DV :  Hasn’t anyone ever heard of Youtube?
John: yeah seriously…just upload the friggin’ evidence on youtube. That’s what I was thinking.
John: I also was thinking that I want to get Jack Bauer’s lawyer.
John: you have to assume that Jack will somehow get away with shooting secret service agents and kidnapping a former president.
DV: yes… and if armor like that is all you need to be a one man army… how come everyone in the army doesn’t wear that shit?
John: seriously. Jack Bauer was like Robo Cop yesterday…with that suit Jack Bauer is officially invincible.
DV: he should have kept the mask on! Just storm into the UN and start shooting everyone
John: but somehow everyone knew it was him even before he took the mask off.
DV: also once again Jack seems to be able to teleport around New York City?  How is he getting around?  Does he have a metro card?
John: haha…If that was the case he wouldn’t be able to get to places nearly as fast
DV: is he calling cabs then?
John: like you said in the podcast. Everything in the world of 24 is within one city block.
DV: guess so!  I will say this, I wish there was armor like Jack had. I’d buy some incase of the apocalypse.
John: haha…that would be a good idea. Did you notice that Jack got stabbed in the same exact spot as he did in the beginning of the season?  Only this time it actually hurt him. He couldn’t just put a gauze pad on it this time.
DV:  haha yes.  Also—a knife? Seriously?
John: yeah. You wouldn’t expect that dude to have a knife on him.
DV: Everyone has guns— And this guy comes out with a knife.
John: yeah and it was some random guy hanging out by the elevator. So it wasn’t like he could go to the kitchen and grab a knife.
DV: yeah! Doesn’t he have a gun?
John: yeah he should have just shot him at point blank range.
DV: yeah and now Jack is hurt.  I guess he’s out of health packs.
John: haha probably.
DV: you have to horde those things.  Everyone knows that.
John: he should restart from the last checkpoint and try and get one.
DV: haha yeah man, completely.
John: I really want to know how Jack is going to get out of this. He’s basically gone on a killing spree.
DV: he’ll probably kill the Russian president.
John: I think he’s gonna. I bet that’s the “big shocker”
John: you know what I’d like to see?
DV: what?
John: a triple-threat death match between Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne and Chuck Norris.
DV: Chuck Norris would come out on top.
John: haha I don’t know. I think the world would explode. It’s three unstoppable forces.
DV: Jason Bourne would escape…Jack Bauer would die but he’d be brought back to life after the turn of the hour.
John: I think I’d take Jack Bauer…here’s why…
John: Jack Bauer has wolverine-like healing abilities.  Chuck Norris could unleash all sorts of roundhouse kicks and it wouldn’t matter, because like you said, at the next hour he would be 100 percent.
DV: yeah but he’d already have the victory. It’s a death match. Chuck Norris would kill him. Yes, Jack Bauer would come back to life… but it’s a death match.
John: so once he’s dead the match is over.
DV:yes
John: even if he gets resuscitated like he did in season 2.
DV: yes. The contest is over.
John: I think that was season 2.
DV: I think so also.
John: you can’t discount Jason Bourne though. He friggin’ killed a guy with a rolled up newspaper!
DV: eh I think Jason Bourne would fake his own death and escape. He has straightened his head out.  He’s not into this crap anymore.
John: ok but lets assume it Jason Bourne from the Bourne Identity not the Bourne Ultimatum.
DV: hmmm ok.  Again though… I think he’d flee.  I mean it’s Chuck Norris.  Only one man beat Chuck Norris in a fight in a movie… and we all know what happened to him at the end of that movie.  You know about that right?
DV: Chuck Norris was the villain in a Bruce Lee movie. So he had to let Bruce Lee win the fight….Bruce Lee… DEAD.
John: haha I didn’t know about that.
DV: dude it’s a fact.  Bruce Lee died when filming that movie.
John: really?
DV: yes look it up!
John: I’ll take your word for it.
DV: oh yeah…Back to 24.  No one is suspicious of Chloe and the Pervert Dude sitting in a conference room for an hour?  I mean aren’t they suppose to be doing things?
John: all of a sudden Arlo isn’t a perv anymore. I think he just wanted to bang Dana Walsh.
DV: yeah probably. Good point.
John: I guess Chloe doesn’t do it for him.
DV: Chloe is a little weird.  She could look ok but she’s just so weird.
John: yeah…If I was drunk I’d probably have sex with Chloe though.
DV: yeah she’s the type you’d probably have to yell at and tell her what to do—cause she said it herself she doesn’t/t make decisions.
John: I don’t know. I bet in the bedroom she gets dominant.
John: Anyway, this should probably be the final time we do this.  We can’t make fun of it after the season finale. It’s like making fun of someone after they die.
DV: Now I can do better things with my time…like play Halo or something.
John: It’s kinda sad though.
DV: eh.. I’m sad for lost.  24, it’s about friggin’ time.
John: yeah…Its time to end it.
DV: to me 24 was the classic case of riding the coat tails of 1 1/2 good seasons.
DV: 1 was good, 2 was half good. 3 was solid. 5 they blew it.  Killing palmer was the beginning of the end.  They killed President Pedro Cerrano.
John: I think they were great through season 5. 6 and 7 were terrible…this season had its moments but it was mostly crappy.
DV: eh I hated season 5.
DV: dude. I just had an epiphany. One that I had a while ago but I just put something together that is ironic, considering how we love LOST.
DV: you know the story with Jack Shephard right? How originally he was supposed to die in the pilot?
John yes
DV: (ironically another Jack – who apparently is invincible)
John: yes that is ironic.
DV: so, I saw in an interview in EW with them talking about that. They said, “wow this character is incredible – and his death will be so shocking—cause people are going to connect with him and then we’re going to rip him away”…They immediately realized… “Oh Shit” that’s the exactly wrong thing to do.
DV: and that’s what they do in 24. As soon as you connect with a character they kill them.
DV: Lost is built around characters that people love and can relate to. 24 is story driven and they just kill characters for effect— hence killing the show.
John: that’s true. It’s a short-term solution to provide shock value.
DV: they immediately realized it.  The whole show centers around its strongest character—with other strong characters around him.  24 they just knock people off. They killed their strongest character in season 5.  Palmer was stronger than Jack as a character.
John: yeah that’s a good point.
DV: I will swear up and down that’s why Obama is president today.
John: haha because everyone thought Obama would be the next David Palmer?
DV: yes.
John: Shit. I would have voted for Palmer.
DV: and if you check back on Obama speaking in public, he totally modified how he spoke to resemble Dennis Haysbert’s depiction of David Palmer.
John: that’s a smart move.
DV: yeah. Haysbert had this commanding way of portraying the character. Obama was kind of a skinny softer spoken dude, back before the race heated up.  Still a good talker—But I don’t know if it was intentional or conscious.
DV: oh BTW! Side note. Read this http://movies.ign.com/articles/109/1090476p1.html
DV: Shia Lebeouf Admits Indiana Jones IV sucked.
John: hahaha that’s awesome.
DV: All we need now is Keifer to fess up about the last 4 seasons and we can say mission accomplished.
John: that would be great.
John: Should we make this the final 24 Mockery?
DV: We should probably do one more. We can reflect and look back on all the crappiness
DV: Yeah. You know why I probably still watched 24? House is its lead in. Which btw… had a great season finale yesterday.
John you know why I watched 24 to the end? I have this terrible complex that I must see everything through to the end.  I’ll read through a terrible book or sit through an entire shitty movie because I just have to see how it ends.
DV: like Jack, you can finish what you started.
John: exactly.
DV: I hope the twist in the last episode is that Jack has to assassinate himself.
DV: but how can Jack Bauer even kill Jack Bauer?
John: that’s the only way Jack Bauer can die—by taking his own life. Either that or Chuck Norris.