I’m at a Bar Alone. Am I a creep?
February 8, 2012 | Posted by Kavorka 
Who the hell are we to answer that question?? Can we really assume you’re a creep just for being in a bar without friends? AB-SO-EFFIN-LUTELY!!!
I’ve spent plenty of time at bars alone. I’ve also spent plenty of time at bars with friends. There are drastic differences in how the bartender perceives you, how patrons perceive you, and believe it or not…how you perceive yourself.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a creep. But, I also know plenty of non-creeps who find themselves at bars alone. The reason that I’m writing this article is because I find it interesting that the answer to this blog doesn’t lie in truth…it lies in perception.
The concept of a wingman is very interesting. There are “good wingmen” and “bad wingmen,” right? Well regardless, I submit to you that your chances of successfully engaging in any sort of social interaction at a bar are much better with a “bad wingman” than “no wingman”. I should also let you know that this pertains ONLY to males being alone at a bar. After all…if a female is alone at a bar, it’s either assumed that she’s intercoursing the bartender, or looking to be intercoursed by somebody else. Bottom line, you suffer no consequences from being a creepy female in a bar….alone or with buddies. I’m also assuming this is a typical, active bar…not something like an airport bar where it’s clear that you could possibly be alone.
I’m pretty sure that there are two basic perceptions of guys that girls use to formulate quick opinions from a distance in bars:
1. Attractiveness. Are you somebody they want to french in the bar and maybe intercourse at some point? Yeah that’s right..I said “French”. Whether you’re alone at a bar, or with a giant crew, this is still important. Now obviously, the girl’s standards should correspond to their own attractiveness, but either way, physical appearance is always the first step. If you’re ugly, then being a creep should be the least of your worries. Sorry for my brutal honesty.
2. Social Animation. If a girl sees a boy that catches her eye, he will naturally seem more desirable if he appears to be enjoying himself with his friends. For example, if two guys are in a bar together having drinks, not engaging in any sort of conversation together, and staring around the bar, they look desperate and boring. Furthermore, if a person is alone in a bar, scoping their surroundings, they look desperate, boring, and CREEPY.
It’s unfortunate that reality is superseded by perception if you’re alone at a bar (assuming you’re actually not a creep). However, if you understand that you are initially perceived as a creep, there are measures that you can take to not only quantify your normalcy, but (if done successfully) perhaps take yourself to levels unreachable if you were with a friend.
This is what I recommend:
If you are alone at a busy bar, know that you’re not going to be approached by any girls. If you are, intercourse is yours if you want it. But the assumption is that you won’t be. Your best chance is to do the following:
1. Sit at the bar. Do not walk around. SIT AT THE BAR. DO NOT WALK AROUND. Order a drink. If possible, make conversation with the bartender (by the way…the bartender, too, will assume you are a creep for being alone, so make your conversation as normal as possible).
2. Send text messages on your phone. If you don’t really want to text anybody, pretend to be texting. At least people will think you’re waiting on somebody, or at the very least, that you actually know somebody. Either way, you’re not sitting alone staring at your drink.
3. When (and IF) you find yourself in a position to initiate a conversation with somebody, it is essential that, within the first minute of conversation, you acknowledge the fact that you’re by yourself. I personally recommend saying, “It feels so strange to be at a bar alone…I feel like a creep!”. This will have to be followed by a reason that you’re alone. You should probably make up a lie, unless you truly have a non-creepy reason. But, make sure you let them know that you’re not OK with the fact that you’re alone.
If you can successfully pull this off, you’re in great shape. You’ve proven your normalcy. You don’t seem desperate for not wanting your conversation to end (because it’s apparent to both of you that you don’t have anyone else to talk to). If you followed the anti-creep steps, and actually got her into you, the fact that you’re alone will work to your advantage.
Unfortunately, it’s almost impossible to successfully pull off what I just explained. If you’re alone at a bar, you’re probably going to be perceived like a creep. You’re probably going to act like a creep. And, like in my case, you probably are a creep.
Bring your friend with you.
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Categories: Booze, Health and Well-Being, Relationships, Women | 
Tags: Beer, Booze, Dating, drinking, kavorka | 
20 Comments »
Very compelling article indeed. Since the author is a self proclaimed creep it seems the article might be considered subjective or possibly tainted. In fact it might be possible that the author is a bit of a “taint” himself. In the end if you are going to a bar by yourself it should be with one thing in mind; picking up some random chick and hoping to score. In my humble opinion the moral of this story is simply this: Don’t act like a fucking weirdo and you won’t be percieved as one. Simple math.
Wow. Thats some harsh comment Phipps. Give the guy a break. You’re probably some sick monkey who hangs out by himself at bars in the wee hours trying to pick up lady boys. You better apologize or I’ll cut your belly open you sick fuck. Make a comment. I dare you. You and I are going to meet face to face my friend. You pick the time and date.
Jim,
Thank you for your comment. I’m not sure how my self proclaimed creepiness taints this piece. It’s like saying you would rather watch TItanic than hear about it from the old moron who threw that gorgeous diamond into the ocean. In any case, this is about perception. If you are at a packed bar alone, not acting like a weirdo, you are still perceived as a weirdo, which makes it harder to “score”.
I seem to do ok by myself. It seems the conversation changes the second I mention the collection of human heads I have in my basement freezer. Should i not discuss my hobbies?
When I was 19, horny, and had something to prove – I wouldn’t be caught dead in a bar alone. I would even feel weird showing up to the bar by myself, even though I knew my friends were there.
Now, at the ripe old age of 29, I love sitting at the bar by myself. I look forward to the rare occasions where I can peacefully watch the Knicks embarrass the city of New York while being over-served skunky tap beer.
Most of the time I hope that no one talk to me, because sometimes I’m just not in the mood for obligatory Q and A sessions (”so what do you do for a living?” “Are you a Giants or Jets fan”)
Now, the perception of me to others may be “creepy”, but I’ll never know that, because I’ll never ask. I’ll never ask because I don’t give a shit. If they’re bored enough to notice me sitting there, then they’re friggin creepy.
—–
A girl alone at the bar is much creepier than a guy at a bar.
Guys go to the bar to eat wings, watch football, bullshit about life, etc.
Girls go to the bar to meet dudes. that’s it.
Girls go alone to the bar because all their friends already found dudes.
They’re the proverbial “last picked in gym class”
They should try match.com instead.
Kavorka- Really? Youre defending the piece? The author is clearly a “taint”. And just to be clear I am describing the little flap of skin between a dude’s asshole and balls so you don’t have to go look it up. Your welcome. What a ridiculous piece. JP
I happen to like the article. Would love to see more of it. Jim Phipps obviously lives with his mother and douches. Let’s have more articles like that.
M8
I happen to think it’s a great article. Would love to see more material like that. Jim Phipps obviously lives with his mother and douches.
Jim,
This isn’t amateur hour. First of all, thanks for defining a taint. I prefer chode to taint, but any pro knows its really called a grundle.
I am the author here. And honestly, I appreciate criticism, but in all fairness, your comments are nothing more than irrelevant banter.
My piece is a very useful tool for creeps and non creeps, or at least I like to think it is. Bottom line is, if you have had success popping into bars and pulling out some tail, then you must be either acceptionally handsome, or incredibly charming. I have no idea of you fall into either of these categories.
If you would like to further criticize this article, I urge you to make a point.
As fucking hilarious as this article is, I find nothing funnier than some moron defining what a “taint” is for Trustey….(sorry, kavorka). Didn’t you have a turtle named Taint? It’s like explaining what “juice” is to the Giambino. Good shit. Fake texting is underrated.
Pomp – I agree that if you are going to a bar alone to watch a game, and not to bring home a late night piece, then it really doesn’t matter. The article implies that you are out to get some tush.
Kavorka,
First let me say that I have to concur that Jim certainly is a closeted creep. You get to a point, where its easier to come out and say it. Jim, admit that your a creep and move on. I openly admit that I am that creep,and I want to thank Kavorka for liberating the bar creeps and reminding us that we are not alone. And that it is in some respect an art form. I think you nail it when you say that perception is key. I enjoy going to a bar with friends but sometimes you have to go it alone. I find admitting that you are there alone shows a confidence and thus changes perception. That being said, your hint about texting is a crucial crutch to surviving a night alone at a bar. You need something to focus your attention on. I also find a sporting match is an excellent excuse to be alone at a bar – and sometimes an actual reason. I also tell people I am waiting for someone that has been “held up,” and eventually they become a no show. By that point I am drunk and THAT becomes your reason for drinking alone. Drunk people keep drinking. As for Pomp’s blatantly wrong analysis of male versus female creeps at a bar – I say you couldn’t be more wrong. I did not mention that not only am I a creep, but a female creep, who often tells my boyfriend that I am staying in to clean the kitchen, when in fact I am drinking Irish Car Bombs alone at my local bar, for no reason other than I feel like it. Perhaps there IS something wrong with this, a combination of extroverted-ness, boredom and alcoholism, but not lonely-gal desperation. And your brief tirade about the “last-picked in gym class scenario,” was clearly the well though analysis of a total bar creep. I will agree with you on one point though, that if others think I’m a creep at the bar, I do not know nor do I care.
Duderino,
All you did was say that you ARE actually a creep.
Then you explained how chicks are gonna perceive you/how to make yourself available to them, when ur chillin by yourself.
You didn’t spend time on why, if and how you are a creep BECAUSE your ridin’ solo.
Good read but, you shoulda named the article “Excuse me sir, please don’t let anyone sit here, I’ll be right back.”
K-Bomb – That was one kick-ass response. Great points.
Tampke – The article asks “Am I a creep?” (if i’m out at a bar alone), and my ultimate answer was “Yes”. Even if you’re not a creep, that’s the general perception.
Appreciate the feedback
Ok look. Perhaps I had a large helping of Haterade that day although I am a self proclaimed hater. I’m going to restate my position. The article is well written. No doubt. There are some interesting points but I think the content could be better- not exactly Blender material. Halfway decent piece though- that’s all your getting from me. I am curious to see what else you come up with. If I were a betting man I would bet the farm that the author is a scruffy dude with a pot belly. Just a hunch. JP
Kudos Phipps, Vegas scores your bet as a Win and you can keep your farm. Though a month ago, you would have been incorrect as I had a full-out gut, but a dropped a few to reduce it to “pot belly” status.
I won’t speculate on what you look like. Even though I admitted to being a creep, i’m not THAT creepy. Though I do hope that you are a dashing individual.
Thanks for the moderate retraction of your earlier posts.
-KAVORKA
Holy shit you people are critical.
Yo Kevorka- I would love to send you a picture of myself if you give me a good email. I am quite dashing in my own circle. JP
The world needs critics. If you don’t like the heat stay out of the kitchen. Bloggers have to have thick skin. See that author- Boobtastic is trying to stick up for you like that other maniac up top. Jeez call the dogs off. That Morea guy is wound a little tight. Of course I doubt thats his real name but shit- put down the crowbar. JP
Where I lived 2 years ago, there was a bar literally (not figuratively) next door to the building, so it didn’t make sense to call friends every time I felt the need to go get a drink and/or some wings