In this post I’ve analyzed some major services we receive regularly and shown exactly how gratuity has become disproportionate.

It all starts with bartenders who are the main reasons for the inequality…

BARTENDERS
Bartenders benefit from generous tipping more than any other service. Think about it…Let’s say I order a $4 beer from the bartender. For the bartender taking the cap off the bottle or pouring me a draft, I’m expected to give a $1 tip. That is a 25 percent tip! When you consider that a monkey could probably be taught to do this, the gratuity seems pretty steep. Now if you were to order a more complicated drink that takes a level of skill to make (i.e. a martini), then a tip is warranted. Though even for that, 25 percent seems a bit much.

What’s even more annoying is when bars charge an uneven dollar amount for their beer. Let’s say the price of the beer is $4.50. I hand the bartender $5 dollars and I’m given 50 cents back in change. What the heck am I supposed to do with 50 cents? I can’t tip 50 cents because it looks cheap to leave change. So now I have to reach into my pocket and get another dollar for a tip and I’m left with 50 cents, which will probably end up on the floor of my car or in between my couch cushions.

WAITERS
Waiters perform much more work than a bartender. They have to take an order, bring out drinks and food, and check up on the guests every so often. Yet if a waiter performs his or her job well, in most cases the tip will be no greater than 20 percent. If he/she does an average job, the tip will likely fall somewhere in the 15-18 percent range. If they are performing more work than a bartender, then why is their tip typically 5 percent lower?

BARBERS
A barber is performing the very personal service of cutting your hair. For about 20 minutes he or she is completely devoted to you. Unlike a bartender, or a waiter or Sasha Grey, a barber is not serving multiple people simultaneously. If you were to tally up the total time a bartender is actually serving you throughout the night, it probably isn’t more than a couple minutes. A waiter would be maybe 5-10 minutes. A barber is investing at least twice as much time, yet his or her tip is typically lower than a bartender or a waiter.

For a guy, a regular cut probably costs around $10-$15. A barber is likely getting 2 or 3 bucks for a tip. Let’s say, for arguments sake, the cost of the hair cut is $12 and you give a tip of $2. That’s about a 16 percent tip for a much more dedicated service. This is lower than both the bartender and the waiter.

CHAMBERMAIDS
Perhaps no one gets screwed over by a disproportionate tipping scale more than a chambermaid. If you’re staying in a decent hotel, you’re probably tipping 1 or 2 dollars a night. That is really cheap when you think about it (and the smog strangler would agree). The maid is wiping down the toilet, making your bed, vacuuming the floor and throwing out your trash every day. These are a lot of crummy tasks that no one would want to do, yet they are getting barely more than the bartender gets for opening your beer.

There are many occasions where people forget to tip the maid completely. How many times have you been in a rush to get out of the room before checkout and you run out without leaving a tip? I know I’ve forgotten a few times. These chambermaids really get the shaft.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS
A gas station attendant also gets screwed with tips. Most people pump their own gas these days but there are full service stations still available, especially in Jersey where it’s illegal to pump your own gas.

Gas station attendants rarely get tipped at all, despite standing out in the cold, or the rain or the heat and pumping your gas for you. I know when I’m in New Jersey I never bother to tip the guy (That’s mainly because I pay with credit card and there is no tip option on the receipt). But if the bartender opening your beer gets a dollar, they are certainly deserving of something.

BATHROOM ATTENDANTS
Some fancy restaurants like to have some dude standing in the bathroom handing you towels to dry your hands. Fuck that guy. Don’t tip him anything. I can piss without your help. Moving on…

STRIPPERS
…I couldn’t end this post without mentioning strippers. They certainly make out well on tips. If you paid $20 for a lap dance the length of one song—and you enjoyed yourself—there’s a good chance you’ll be shelling out up to an additional 20 bucks for a tip. That’s a 100 percent tip! But hey, at least they are shoving their tits in your face. That definitely makes it worthwhile.

So what have we learned from this post? Bartenders and strippers are making out PRETTY well, barbers and waiters could be doing better, and chambermaids and gas station attendants are really getting screwed. It seems like if you are involved in a service that involves some sort of guilty pleasure, than the tip increases exponentially depending on how lewd the service is. If the service is something we don’t like to do but could be done on our own (with the exception being opening a beer) then you will probably end up with a crummy tip, or none at all (as is the case with the bathroom and gas station attendant).

We need to try and balance this tipping scale. Maybe next time you are in Atlantic City, don’t tip the girl serving your drinks or shoving tits in your face as much and put those extra dollars towards the illegal cleaning up your shit in the hotel room or the high school dropout filling up your tank for the ride home. They probably need the money more.

Royal Heirloom Ring

Prince William and Kate Middleton and are getting married…and to commemorate the special occasion the “British Historical Society” is allowing a replica of Princess Diana’s engagement ring to be sold to dumb American consumers.

This replica is complete crap. It has something called simulated diamonds and is probably just slightly better quality than something you’d get in a 25-cent vending machine at the supermarket.

But this guy with a British accent sounds really smart, so this must be amazing! He says really sophisticated phrases like “19 dollars 90,”scintillating brilliant cut diamonds” and “hinged decorative velveteen box.”

It also comes with a certificate of authenticity. This certificate authenticates that it is indeed a ring, just not a very good one.

The original price was to be set at $119 dollars but then the British Historical Society realized no one in their right mind would buy this crap for that much.

Pajama Jeans





Since when have jeans becomes too dressy? Now our society is too lazy to put on a decent pair of pants? We have to wear sweatpants that look like jeans? What’s next? Going to a wedding in one of those tuxedo t-shirts?

Just like the ring commercial, the narrator throws out random terms that sound impressive like “mock fly,” “contrast stitching” and “brass rivets.” In other words…it’s sewn together and has buttons.

I also highly doubt that these sweatpants will fill out as well as the women in this commercial that have perfectly round backsides. I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that the clientele that buy this product (fat, white trash women) will not look nearly as good in these pajamas.

The International Star Registry
For just $54.00 the “International Star Registry” will name a star after you. Sounds cool right? If you think that, then you are the biggest sucker on the planet.

According to the web site: “The International Star Registry gift package includes a beautiful 12″ x 16″ parchment certificate, available framed or unframed, with the name of your choice, dedication date, and telescopic coordinates of the star. You’ll also receive an informative booklet with charts of the constellations plus a larger, more detailed chart with the star you name encircled in red.”

Does anyone really believe this? Is the International Star Registry a division of NASA? I highly doubt it. It sounds to me like you are paying 54 bucks for a certificate with your name on it, claiming to now be the name of a made-up star in a fictitious galaxy. Want to get this bogus certificate framed? You’ll have to shell out another 55 dollars.

I did a little research and went on Yahoo! Answers to see what other people think. It seems like other people can verify my claim that this is totally bogus. I personally enjoyed what this person wrote…

“There are numerous companies that will gladly put a name on one of their star charts and charge you a fee for it. None of these are recognized by the astronomical community. The International Astronomical Union is the only body that names bodies in space, and most of the stars are unnamed these days, and only given designation numbers for cataloguing purposes.

So, it would be recognized as “Carl” (or whatever his name is) only by people who have paid for this service after you *bought* that star.

It would be comparable to me and my neighbors walking around calling Highway 22 “Karen’s Road” amongst ourselves. Mapquest wouldn’t recognize this term, and neither would tourists… or anyone who hadn’t been in on our little “unofficial renaming.”

After reading that, I went to the FAQ on the International Star Registry site and saw this…

Q: Will the scientific community recognize my star name?
A: No. We are a private company that provides Gift Packages. Astronomers will not recognize your name because your name is published only in our Star catalog. We periodically print a book called Your Place in the Cosmos which lists the stars that we have named.

It seems like the guy on Yahoo Answers was right. At least they admit their product is a scam.

Obama Chia Pet





Hey remember the Chia Pet from like 20 years ago? Even then it was kind of cheesy. But for some reason, the folks at Chia decided they would “commemorate the inauguration of our 44th President” with a potted plant in the shape of Obama’s face.

The commercial claims it’s a symbol of “Liberty, Opportunity, Prosperity, and Hope”. Seriously? I believe there is a statue on Ellis Island that stands for that. Should we just knock down the Statue of Liberty and put an Obama Chia Pet in its place?

And isn’t it a poor choice by Chia to debut this product on a black president? When the grass grows it clearly looks like he has an afro. In fact, I’m not the only one who thinks this. Apparently some Walgreens stores pulled this product from their shelves after many customers complained it was racist.

I guess that’s why they decided to throw in some Chia’s of dead white president’s just to cover their asses.

As racist as this product may seem, it can’t be worse than the Obama Fried Chicken stores that have popped up in New York.

Flirty Fitness Workout Video





Ladies, have you tried working out at the gym and your just not losing weight? Well maybe you should try dancing like a stripper for 10 days. Yup, thanks to the Flirty Fitness Workout Video, you can drop two pants sizes just by dancing like a whore!

The commercial has a woman dancing on a pole. Who the hell has a pole in their house!?

Ladies let me give you some advice. You can buy a million workout videos. They only work if you actually use them. And even then they are a waste of money. The way to lose weight has never changed. Eat less and exercise. It’s pretty simple.

TV Hat





I’m seriously blown away by this product. And by blown away, I mean I can’t believe someone actually thought it was a good idea to manufacture the “As Seen on TV Hat”. This is the most ridiculous looking thing I’ve ever seen.

First off, look at the length of the bill on this thing. It looks like the hat the kid wore in The Sandlot. Secondly, if you look closely at the pouch on the inside, it’s only big enough to fit an iPod. An iPhone will not fit, even though they mention the iPhone in the commercial—And that’s confirmed here.

Now to the best part of the commercial: the actors wearing the TV Hat.

First you have the girl in the bikini, who is clearly sitting in a studio behind a video of a random beach. They couldn’t even have her facing towards the fake picture of the ocean and make it look semi-realistic.

Then you got the guy on the treadmill that could be Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. Since he’s clearly at his home, couldn’t he just turn on the TV instead of wearing this ridiculous thing, while trying to exercise and watch a video on a 2-inch screen?

Finally, you have the girl at the airport that is laughing hysterically at something she’s watching in her TV hat. How terrified would you be if you saw this woman at the airport, wearing this ridiculous thing, while laughing uncontrollably? I’d hope to God she wasn’t boarding my plane.

There’s really no way anyone would buy this product right? The only way this product could possibly make money is if people decided to buy it as a gag gift for a friend. I’m pretty sure 95 percent of all their sales were used as a gag gift.

If you have a product that could be used in a future edition of Terrible Ideas That Make Money, send me an email.

Everyone is well aware of this problem.  However, there is another issue related to gas prices that no one is talking about.  I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in this country, or at least in the area where I live.  It’s getting harder and harder to find a gas station that doesn’t charge higher prices for customers who pay with a credit card.

These gas stations are very subtle about it.  You may not even notice.   But if you look closely, there are often two sets of prices at the pump—and the higher one is for customers using credit cards.  You may not realize this as you pull into the station, because the sign visible from the street only reflects the cash price.

Let me tell you something that is fairly obvious.  This is FUCKING BULLSHIT.

This is just another way for oil companies to continue to nickel-and-dime you.   I’m well aware that credit card companies also charge the merchant a percentage of the sale paid for with a credit card.  These oil companies may claim they are trying to offset that cost by charging a surcharge.  However, in just about any other business, credit cards are considered a trade-off worth having because merchants will earn more business by accepting credit cards.

Personally, I rarely carry a lot of cash on me.  Most of the time, I don’t have more than 50 bucks on me. If I have any more than that, then my wife will usually hit me up for some of it.  So I never pay cash at the gas station.  It’s also just easier to pay at the pump than have to walk inside and wait on line to pay the cashier.  If a gas station only accepted cash I wouldn’t bother filling up there and I’m sure I am not the only one who feels this way.   They should be welcoming people who pay with credit cards!

I really hope this trend does not extend to other businesses.  Will it be long before I have to pay a credit card fee at the supermarket, at restaurants and any other place that credit cards are accepted?

We may not be able to control the overall price of gas but at least we can refuse to put up with these extra charges.   If you can avoid it, don’t go to the gas stations that have credit card surcharges.   When their profits plummet, they’ll be forced to lower prices.   Don’t be a liberal hippy and blame capitalism and big business for all your problems in life.  Make capitalism work for you.  There are still some stations that don’t charge two different prices.   From what I’ve seen in my area, ExxonMobil and Shell charge credit card surcharges, while Gulf and Hess do not (I’m not sure if this is the case throughout the country).

There’s my rare newsworthy post for the year.  I will now return to writing posts about boobs and baseball.

Now the question is: Where would you go to buy the ring?  Maybe you’d shop at Tiffany’s or Cartier or some other top-of-the-line jeweler.

But how about Costco?  I bet the thought of buying an engagement ring at Costco, let alone an insanely expensive ring, has never crossed anyone’s mind.

But here it is.  Right on the web site: A $1 MILLION DOLLAR ENGAGEMENT RING…  AT FRIGGIN’ COSTCO!

Based on the specifications this might just be one of the best rings in the world.  It is 6.77 carats, is colorless and boasts a clarity rating of IF (internally flawless).  Not only that but the ring is valued at $1.5 million dollars.  Act now and you can save 33% off the retail price!  You can’t beat these deals at Costco!

Unfortunately, Costco only has one in stock but if you are thinking about buying it, I wouldn’t worry about someone else beating you too it.  I can’t imagine a rich entrepreneur or celebrity, or anyone for that matter ever going engagement ring shopping at Costco.

Costco probably has held this ring in its possession for years and is desperate to move it, so they knocked $500,000 off the price.  I bet it’s been sitting in a warehouse for years somewhere behind skids of family packs of toilet paper.

Thanks to contributor Don Valdez for the tip.

For example, a guy may something like “Dude, Steve just got a manicure. How gay is that?… or “You’re wearing a fanny pack? Wow man. That is super Gay.”

In a new original Living with Balls series, I will take a close look at something that may be perceived as “gay” (in the most recent definition) among fellow men and determine if it truly is gay or if it’s a perfectly manly thing to do.

Today’s first topic is bringing a bagged lunch to work.

In these tough economic times, many people are opting to bring a bagged lunch to work, rather than going out for food on a lunch break.   It’s a great way to save money.   Instead of wasting your hard earned money at a restaurant, you spend a few bucks on some deli meat and pocket the savings.  If you go out for lunch everyday, at minimum you are spending 40 bucks a week, where as if you bring a bagged lunch, you are probably spending half that.

Yet, walking into work with a brown paper bag seems so emasculating.   Pulling out a turkey sandwich and an apple in front of co-workers in the break room will usually evoke a response such as “Oh nice lunch, Johnny Sacks.  Did your mommy pack that for you?”  And how can I really respond to that? They have a point.  I feel pretty gay bringing lunch but I suck it up because I want to save money.

It gets even worse when you decide to bring leftovers to work because that requires you to bring in some tupperware.  Of course, the tupperware will have to be brought back home at the end of the day.  Therefore, I must hold on to a dirty piece of tupperware as I say goodbye to everyone and walk out of the building.   I usually try to get out of the building as quick as possible before anyone sees me holding this gay piece of plastic.

In my defense, I work in kind of a rough area.  I don’t like to venture too far from my office.  My options for lunch usually consist of food from the bodega with the bulletproof glass at the counter or Popeye’s Fried Chicken.   Ordering a ham sandwich from a guy who probably works for Al-Qaeda or ordering processed fried chicken from the recovering crack addict at Popeye’s are not ideal lunch options. This is part of the reason I opt to bring my lunch to work.

So is bringing lunch to work gay? I’d probably say yes.  It is a little gay but I do it anyway.   I’m notoriously cheap so I’ll take the occasional jab from a co-worker if it means I have an extra 20 bucks in my pocket every week.  I also can only stomach so much fried chicken.  If bringing my lunch means I have to sacrifice some of my masculinity, then so be it.   I’m comfortable enough with myself to handle it.

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As I wedged the dollar bill in between her underwear and her ass, something suddenly occured to me: STRIPPERS ARE UNDERPAID.

How did I come to this realization? Allow me to explain:

Since the beginning of strip clubs, strippers have been paid in dollar bills. The years have come and gone and little has changed. Inflation has gradually weakened the dollar and increased the cost of living, yet strippers continue to be paid in dollar bills.

As a reference point, I’m going to use 1970 as an example to prove my point. 40 years ago, young women would dance around naked in strip clubs, hoping to receive enough dollar bills to support their drug habit or pay their way through medical school.

Today, in 2010, these women are still dancing around naked for the same dollar bill. It just doesn’t seem right. That purse filled with dollar bills just doesn’t go as far as it used to. How are these women going to make enough money to feed their illegitimate children?

I did some quick research to find out the buying power of a dollar back in 1970. According to dollartimes.com, in 1970, a dollar bill had the same buying power as $0.18 does today. Therefore, the strippers of today have to work about five times harder to earn the same living. (Pacman Jones must be happy he lives in this era. It would have cost him a lot more to “make it rain” back then. Who knows how many strippers he would have beat up then?)

On the other hand, one could say we are the beneficiary of this inflation. Surely, strip club owners realized that dollar bills were no longer going to cut it and this has allowed for better forms of naked entertainment to be ushered in, such as the lap dance, lesbian shows or whatever other crazy shit might go on that I don’t know about. Inflation has certainly helped strip clubs evolve for the better.

And for those of us who don’t want to break the bank when going to a strip club, we can still be old-fashioned by turning down lap dances and just sitting by the stage, while taking in the view for a dollar at a time.

But I think we all need to make sacrifices in these tough economic times. Think about that stripper who is a single mom and strips a couple nights a week to feed her child, or the dancer who never got into Juilliard and is stripping until she gets her “big break.” What about them? How are they supposed to get by when we only put a single dollar bill in their panties?

So I ask you this: Next time you go to your local stripping establishment, don’t break that $20 bill with singles; break it up with five dollar bills instead. The strippers will appreciate your generosity.

In this post, I will be listing a number of bullshit questions and answers. You’ll hear why it’s a stupid question, the bullshit response most people probably give, as well as the response most people are thinking but don’t actually say.

1. What is Your Greatest Weakness?
This is the king of bullshit questions at a job interview.  In the history of job interviews, not a single person has ever told the truth.  It’s a totally pointless question to ask because no one would ever give a straight answer. No one is going to be honest about their flaws on a job interview because that would severely hurt their chances of getting the job.  You’re always told to say some crap you can turn into a strength such as…

What You Probably Said: I often push myself too hard.  I don’t know how to balance my life because I’m a workaholic.  I’m a perfectionist who has trouble accepting failure.

What You Were Really Thinking: Well let’s see. I’m really lazy.  I usually stroll in to work at least 15 minutes late. I take long lunches and talk bad about my co-workers behind their backs. I am not willing to go the extra mile and I’ll spend most of my day going on Facebook and making personal phone calls. 

2. Why Do You Want to Work Here? The interviewer wants to know if you’re passionate about the job you’re applying for or if you just want a job.  More often than not, it’s the latter.

What you probably said: I’m looking for a new challenge in my life.  This company has a strong reputation and I feel I would be a good fit here for many years to come.

What you were really thinking: Why the fuck you think I want this job? I’m broke and I need money.  My last job sucked more than this one, so I quit on an impulse before I realized the repercussions of being unemployed.  I want this job because you have an opening and I need a job.  If I don’t get a job soon, my unemployment is going to run out and I will have to move back in with my parents.

You really think my passion in life to sit in some cubicle all day and push papers? You think I grew up dreaming of working here when I was a little boy? Nope. Truth is I fucked up my life and now I have to settle for working a meaningless, unfulfilling job that can provide me with the middle-class boring-ass lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to.

3. There’s a gap in your resume. It’s been some time since your last job.  What have you been doing since then? The employer wants to know if you’ve been keeping busy since your last job.  Makes sense—but if you haven’t been doing anything, you’ll have to make something up, such as…

What you probably said: I’ve been exploring my options and have been trying to find myself. I spent some time traveling overseas and visiting some relatives.  It was a great experience for me but now I’m ready to get back to work.

What you were thinking: I’ve been milking those unemployment checks for as long as possible. I usually slept till 11 most days and woke up to watch the Price is Right. The rest of my day was typically spent masturbating and playing Halo 3 in my underwear. The only time I put on pants was to answer the door when my Domino’s Pizza arrived.

4. Where do you see yourself five years from now? The employer likely wants to see if you have long-term goals.  Ideally if you’re goal-oriented you’ll make a better employee.  This question is bullshit because everyone says they will have the perfect life five years from now.

What you probably said: I see myself working in upper management and helping this company continue to be successful.  In my personal life, I hope to get married and start a family.

What you were thinking: I have no fucking clue what I’ll be doing five years from now. I don’t know what I’ll be doing next week!  God help me if I’m still working at this shitty job five years from now.  If I am then I’ll probably be jumping off the nearest tall building.  That’s probably where I’ll be.

5. Tell me about your proudest achievement: The employer wants to have an idea of what you achieved in your professional life.  Not really a bullshit question, but there is plenty of bullshit in the answer.

What you probably said: At my previous job, I was able to meet my quota of 100 widgets sold for 12 months in a row.  In two of those months I outsold some of the senior employees in our company.

What you were thinking: Probably when I was 17 and got a sweet blow job from one of the hottest girls in my high school…or maybe that time in college when I won ten straight games of beer pong. Man I was ON FIRE that night… Actually no… it’s neither of those.  My proudest achievement was definitely when I was 8 years old and finally beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.   It took me like a hundred tries but I finally did it.  I was so proud of myself that day.

6. Are you willing to work overtime, nights and weekends if need be? This job may require some overtime and the interviewer wants to know if you are prepared to do so.

What you probably said: Absolutely.  I want to do whatever it takes to be successful in this position.  If that means working overtime or coming in on Saturday from time-to-time than so be it.

What you were thinking: NO FUCKING WAY am I willing to work nights and weekends.

7. Do you have any questions for me? Supposedly you should always have some questions prepared. That it way it makes you look like you are genuinely interested in the job.

What you probably said: Yes I do. Based on the interview today, are there any concerns you have in regards to my ability to perform this job?

What you were thinking: How much does it pay? How many vacation days will I get? Will I get dental? Were you serious about working nights and weekends?  Does your hot secretary have a boyfriend?

8. Why did you leave your last job?  The interviewer just wants to make sure you didn’t leave your previous job on a bad note.

What you probably said: Well…I just felt it was time for a change. I had been there for a few years and I was ready for a new challenge.  There was little room for growth in the company and I want to move up in my field.

What you were thinking: My boss was a complete fucking asshole. I couldn’t stand that son-of-a-bitch.  He made me work long hours for shitty pay and didn’t treat me with respect. All my co-workers were total LOSERS and I couldn’t stand to stay there another second.  One day, I just lost it and told my boss to fuck off, stole all the office supplies I could carry, walked out the door and went straight to the bar to get loaded.

I hope this has helped to shed light on some of the difficult questions you may face when going on your next job interview.  As long as you feed the interviewer bullshit, you should have a good chance of getting the job.

This is a post from new contributor known only as Oobtastic. He will likely contribute from time-to-time.

We all know the economy is in a shambles. One in ten people that want work can’t find a job. The government passed a $700B stimulus package to create jobs, but where are they?

There is another, more troubling crisis plaguing our country: Actors are squandering any artistic credibility they have by doing shampoo commercials and voice over work for credit card companies.

I have a plan that will solve BOTH important crises. It’s a piece of legislation, called the “Helping Americans Land Jobs in Television” Act, or HALJIT (every good piece of legislation needs an irritating acronym).

How would this bill work? It’s simple – it would prohibit actors, musicians, professional athletes and other celebrities from doing advertising work, while at the same time mandating that unemployed machinists, truckers, carpenters, and road pavers be given those jobs instead.

“Whoa, there, wait a minute,” you might say. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with this.”

This is a natural reaction. But after reading this simple overview, you will be eager to press your Congressional representatives into supporting this legislation.

***

Q: The government’s job is not to pick winners and losers. What will happen to all the actors after the government robs them of their livelihoods?

A: Seriously? Jennifer Aniston has $110M in the bank. Does she really need to do another Loreal commercial? Shouldn’t she focus her energies on trying to nail down a husband?

***

Q: Those actors deserve the money they make from doing commercials, because they are the most talented and qualified for the job.

A: Really? If the commercial calls for someone to stand around and look like an insufferable douchebag all the time, I suppose you can hire Ashton Kutcher like Nikon did. But if the commercial actually needs to convince someone to buy a product, an ungroomed homeless person will perform as well or perhaps better.

***

Q: What if I’m a Republican and disagree with all new ideas?

A: I don’t like change either. But are you sure you really want to go out of your way to protect a bunch of preachy, tree-hugging, whale-kissing, gay-marrying, fur-hating, liberal sissies in Hollywood? Of course you don’t. What better way to stick it to them than to support this bill?

***

Q: I don’t agree with this bill because it impairs individual freedom.

A: No it doesn’t.

***

Q: What will happen to Morgan Freeman?

A: It’s time for Morgan Freeman to be put in a nursing home. Like everyone else, I thought he was splendid in The Shawshank Redemption. But 15 years later, I’ve grown tired of his sagacious grandpa voice tricking me into using VISA cards, or flying to Vancouver, or whatever the hell he was trying to get me to do during the Olympics (I kept falling asleep).

***

Q: What is your least favorite commercial/actor combo?

A: It has to be Kiefer Sutherland’s “This Is America” voice-overs for Bank of America. Jack Bauer is supposed to be protecting this country from terrorists, not helping them. What’s yours?

***

Q: Will there be any loopholes in this bill?

A: Yes. Tom Skerrit will be allowed to continue doing Advil commercials. The goal of the program is to help people who are down on their luck, worn down by life, and can’t find work elsewhere. Tom Skerrit meets all of these requirements.

The Coors Light Cold Activated Can
You know, I’ve always wondered when my beer was cold.  The idea of just touching the bottle to see if it’s cold never occurred to me.  THANK GOD Coors Light found a way to distract people from that piss they call beer with the Coors Light “Cold Activated” can. The mountains turn blue when your beer is cold! AWESOME!  Now I’ll never have to ponder for hours if my cheap beer is ready for drinking. THANK YOU COORS LIGHT!

KGB
You’ve seen these commercials.  Got a question for us? Text us at 542542! It’s only 99 cents per answer! Hmmm…So I can text my question to some random number and wait patiently for a response, while also paying a dollar for the answer OR I could just go to Google, type in my question and get my answer for free in two seconds.  Which one would you choose?  Is there anyone out there dumb enough to use this service?  How do they actually make money?

The Coors Light Wide Mouth Can
Wow. Coors has the honor of being on here TWICE!  You’ve seen these stupid commercials too.  The LET”S VENT guy who ignores his wife when she gets home because he’s excited to drink God-awful beer from an aluminum can with a wide mouth. Has anyone shopping in a beer distributor ever thought to oneself, “Yes, I think I’ll get the Coors Light over good beer because it’s easier to pour!”

The Snuggie
A blanket with sleeves! Why didn’t I ever think of that? I suppose if I’m cold I could just put on another shirt or take my bathrobe and put it on inside out.  After all, that’s essentially what a Snuggie is—a backwards bathrobe.  The Snuggie has made TONS of money.  Shit, even I was dumb enough to buy one of these stupid things.  I immediately regretted that decision. I put it on once and I was embarrassed to walk around in that thing—even in the privacy of my own home. 

The WNBA
Every time I flip through the channels and I see a WNBA game on television, I am amazed to see people in the stands.  There are people out there who will actually pay to watch women’s basketball?  I’ve never met one.  There are so many other forms of entertainment out there I would choose to spend my hard-earned money on before I’d pay a dime to see a WNBA game. I’d rather pay to watch paint dry than watch the WNBA game. I’d rather watch fucking NASCAR over the WNBA. I’d rather listen to Fran Dresser read about risk management on audio book over a WNBA game.   

Shake Weight
I’m not making this up. This infomercial is for real. The Shake Weight is some sort or vibrating dumbbell designed “specifically for women” to tone arms.  It looks like every woman in this video is practicing their hand job form. Ladies, why rely on “dynamic inertia” to build your biceps and triceps?  Just give your man a good ol’ tug instead and pocket the $19.95.  Actually don’t do that. Hand jobs suck. 

I’m sure there are plenty of others out there.  Should this post do well, I’ll make it a regular series as more stupid ideas come out.  What are some others you can think of? Talk about it in the comment section.