Everyone is well aware of this problem.  However, there is another issue related to gas prices that no one is talking about.  I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in this country, or at least in the area where I live.  It’s getting harder and harder to find a gas station that doesn’t charge higher prices for customers who pay with a credit card.

These gas stations are very subtle about it.  You may not even notice.   But if you look closely, there are often two sets of prices at the pump—and the higher one is for customers using credit cards.  You may not realize this as you pull into the station, because the sign visible from the street only reflects the cash price.

Let me tell you something that is fairly obvious.  This is FUCKING BULLSHIT.

This is just another way for oil companies to continue to nickel-and-dime you.   I’m well aware that credit card companies also charge the merchant a percentage of the sale paid for with a credit card.  These oil companies may claim they are trying to offset that cost by charging a surcharge.  However, in just about any other business, credit cards are considered a trade-off worth having because merchants will earn more business by accepting credit cards.

Personally, I rarely carry a lot of cash on me.  Most of the time, I don’t have more than 50 bucks on me. If I have any more than that, then my wife will usually hit me up for some of it.  So I never pay cash at the gas station.  It’s also just easier to pay at the pump than have to walk inside and wait on line to pay the cashier.  If a gas station only accepted cash I wouldn’t bother filling up there and I’m sure I am not the only one who feels this way.   They should be welcoming people who pay with credit cards!

I really hope this trend does not extend to other businesses.  Will it be long before I have to pay a credit card fee at the supermarket, at restaurants and any other place that credit cards are accepted?

We may not be able to control the overall price of gas but at least we can refuse to put up with these extra charges.   If you can avoid it, don’t go to the gas stations that have credit card surcharges.   When their profits plummet, they’ll be forced to lower prices.   Don’t be a liberal hippy and blame capitalism and big business for all your problems in life.  Make capitalism work for you.  There are still some stations that don’t charge two different prices.   From what I’ve seen in my area, ExxonMobil and Shell charge credit card surcharges, while Gulf and Hess do not (I’m not sure if this is the case throughout the country).

There’s my rare newsworthy post for the year.  I will now return to writing posts about boobs and baseball.

Whenever humans are tested and pushed to their limit, (like we have this winter) we tend to see both the best and the worst of people.  Sure, many people have done great things, like shovel an elderly person’s walkway or help a stranded car out of the snow.  But here at Living with Balls I prefer to spotlight the idiots who come out whenever it snows.  Yup, that’s right.  It’s time for another edition of Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face….Winter Edition!

The Snow Lover Who Tells Everyone to Stop Complaining about the Snow Guy

Most adults hate snow.  It makes everything more complicated.  We have to get up earlier than usual to shovel our walk and clear the car, so we can get to work on time.  We have to bring a change of shoes, so our feet aren’t soaked all day.   We have to worry about skidding out on the roads or having our travel plans disrupted.  Yet there is always some grown man who is SUPER excited for snow.  Check out an actual status update that a Facebook “friend” of mine wrote…

“why are people complaining about snow falling in the winter time? No one ever says why is the sun is out again in July? Enjoy it…”

Enjoy it? What the fuck is there to enjoy about it? I’m not fucking six.  I don’t plan on making snow angels in the front yard or having a snowball fight with my friends.  You know why no one ever complains about the sun in July? Because the sun is awesome.  Who doesn’t like sunlight?  This is a stupid fucking analogy.  It makes no sense and I feel dumber for reading it.

Maybe this should be my reply to his status update:  “I threw my back out shoveling snow, crashed my car and had my flight get cancelled but enjoy it! The snow is so pretty!”

…and yes, snowfall is very majestic looking at first…but if you live in any major city like I do, that lasts for about 15 minutes and then all the snow turns black with dirt and grime—and it stays that way until March when it finally melts.

So shut your mouth Snow Lover who Tells Everyone to Stop Complaining about the Snow Guy before I shut it for you!

The Weather Report Guy

Weather report guy feels the need to tell everyone he runs into about the impending doom ahead…AKA…a few snow flurries.  He’s obsessed with any snowstorm.  Here’s an example…

Weather Report Guy: Hey Johnny Sacks, did you hear? They are saying we are gonna get 8-10 inches now.

Johnny Sacks: Thanks Weather Report Guy, you gave me an update an hour ago though.

Weather Report Guy: Yeah but that was when it was supposed to be 6-8 inches, now its 8-10!. I gotta get to the supermarket and stock up on toilet paper!

Johnny Sacks: Good idea, we may not be able to get out of the house for weeks with those 8 inches we’re gonna get.  Better make sure you have plenty of opportunities to wipe your ass.

Look weather report guy, I get it…snow consumes your life.  You don’t need to keep updating me all the time. If I want to know, I’ll turn on the news, or the radio or any other media outlet— And stop freaking out and crowding all the stores to stockpile rations anytime the weather man says we may get some snow. You’re a grown, physically fit, healthy man. You’ll be able to get out of the house.  It’s not fucking Armageddon.  Old people you get a pass on that. I know it’s hard for you to get around.  So you’re allowed to stock up on all the toilet paper you’d like.

The Where’s Global Warming Guy?

The Where’s Global Warming Guy likes to the utter his namesake anytime it’s freezing cold.  He may say something like: “Hey I thought we were getting global warming? Why is it 12 degrees out right now!

I don’t really have a problem with whatever your views are on global warming.  I’m not really sure where I stand on it myself (although, whether it exists or not, it can’t hurt to have a few more trees around).  I just think that joke is soooo played.  As someone who runs a humor blog, I’d like to see a little more originality.  Maybe say something like “Al Gore is a liberal douchebag, who doesn’t know shit” or “Fuck those stupid polar bears. I want to be warm!”…something like that. I don’t know. I’m just throwing some ideas out there.

…and of course when it comes to snow, the biggest idiots are on the road…

The Shovels the Snow into the Street Guy

Shovels the Snow in the Street Guy is a complete ass.  He’s too lazy to make a neat pile of snow, so he negates all the work the plows have done by dumping all the snow from his driveway into the street.

I was stuck at a red light the other day,  a couple days after the last big snow storm hit, and traffic was bad so I was in the same spot for a minute or two.  This guy on the sidewalk, was shoveling the snow from in front of his business, walking it into the street and placing it right in front of the wheels of the car in front of me! So after sitting there for two minutes, there was a significant pile of snow in front of the car.  I was very tempted to walk out of the car, knock him down and put his face in the pile of snow he had so carefully placed in my immediate path.

The Doesn’t Clean His Car Off Guy

The Doesn’t Clean his Car Off Guy does not have the time to properly clean off his car after the storm.  He can’t be bothered with brushing off all the windows and headlights.  He just runs his windshield wipers a couple times and backs out with snow still on his roof, side and back windows and tail lights.   Doesn’t Clean his Car Guy is more important than you and doesn’t realize he’s causing a driving hazard behind him, because all the snow is blowing off his car and distracting the driver behind him.

So you’re too busy to be bothered Doesn’t Clean His Car off Guy? How I about I knock you out cold, then you’ll really be late to whatever important place you have to go!

The Parks his Car in the Right Lane Because There is Too Much Snow Guy

We’ve had a TON of snow in the Northeast.  So much so, that we are running out of places to put it.  A lot of parking spots, particularly on main streets, are covered with snow and are inaccessible.   That doesn’t faze Parks His Car in the Right Lane Guy.  Him and 50 other assholes will just leave there car in the right-hand lane instead while they do their errands.  This forces every car on the road to try and switch over to the middle or left lane.  This causes a ridiculous amount of traffic and may even cause an accident.  Apparently Parks His Car in the Right Lane Guy think he’s just as important as Doesn’t Clean his Car off Guy.   Maybe Doesn’t Clean his Car off Guy, will have low visibility because he didn’t clean his windshield properly and accidentally crash head-on into your car, which is illegally parked in the right lane.  That would kill two birds with one stone and help brighten up what has been an otherwise dreary winter.

After a long lay-off, it time to bring back one of the most popular features on Living with Balls: Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. I took some time away from this feature because I had run out of guys that I wanted to punch out. Yet in recent weeks, a new batch of idiots has crossed my path, thus inspiring me to revive the dormant feature.

Here’s a new list of people I’d like to punch in the face!

The Bathroom Attendant Guy
Ever go to a fancy restaurant or a wedding and there is some dude just hanging out in the bathroom, handing out paper towels and watching people piss? I hate this friggin’ guy. All he does is stand by the sink in a fancy suit, hand people paper towels and look for tips.

So because you handed me a paper towel, now I have to tip you? FUCK. THAT. A nutless monkey could do your job. I’ll pocket my dollar and get the paper towel myself. I’d like to punch this guy right in the mouth, so that his lip is bleeding, then hand him a paper towel to clean himself off, while holding out my other hand for a tip because I gave him the towel.

The Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy
There are few things that drive me nuts more than the Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy. I’m not talking about the guy who just rides his bike along the side of the road. I’m talking about the guy who thinks he’s Lance Fucking Armstrong and rides his bike in the middle of the road. I’m talking about the guy who sits in the left-hand turn lane at a stop light and signals with his arm like he’s driving a motorcycle. I’m talking about the group of 30 people who think they are in the Tour De France and block the entire right lane, going 15 mph during the rush hour commute.

This is infuriating to me. When I see Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy, it takes all my willpower to calmly put my signal on and move to the other lane, rather than sideswiping his spandex-wearing ass off his fucking Schwinn.

Airplane Recliner Guy
I’ve never been fortunate enough to sit in first class. When I fly, I’m forced to ride coach with the other dregs of society. Perhaps the worst thing about sitting in coach is the lack of leg room. Every airline tries to squeeze every last possible seat onto the plane and that leaves customers with barely enough leg room for a midget to be comfortable. I’m a pretty tall guy, so needless to say, long plane rides can be pretty uncomfortable for me.

What makes the flight worse is when the person in front of me decides to recline his seat. I don’t think there is a more selfish act than reclining your seat on a flight in coach. I don’t even know why airlines give you the option. They should ban reclining seats from all airplanes.

Screw you Airplane Recliner Guy.! If I could punch you out without being arrested for terrorism, I would squeeze out of my seat, grab you out of your slumber and knock the ever-loving shit out of you!

The Holds Down on his Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy
As someone who does a lot of driving in the boroughs of New York City, I encounter Holds Down on the Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy on almost a daily basis—and I hate him more every fucking day.

I’m sorry my reaction time is not fast enough for you. Please accept my apologies for you arriving at your destination a quarter of a second later than expected. When I drive and I’m behind someone who doesn’t see the light change, I typically give them a reasonable amount of time before I honk at them—and when I do honk, it’s a friendly one…like two quick taps. Honks his Horn Guy will hold down on his horn like you just tried to run him off the road.

In New York, Holds Down on his Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy takes many forms, but typically it’s an immigrant driving one of those ghetto, unmarked taxis. One day, I’d like to just put my car in park, get out and smash Holds His Horn Guy’s face against the very steering wheel he used to honk at me.

The Says “Yup” in Place of You’re Welcome Guy
I’ve noticed an annoying trend lately. Many people are replacing “Yup” with “you’re welcome” when someone says thank you. Who the fuck taught these people manners? The word “yup” just sounds so dismissive. Saying “yup” takes away all the goodwill I had after you performed whatever service that resulted in me saying thank you to you in the first place.

However, I will also accept “no problem,” or “my pleasure” as a response to “thank you.” “Yup” will never be an acceptable response. If you can’t expel the extra energy it takes to utter a couple extra syllables then I’ll be forced to punch you so hard that you won’t have to worry about saying anything for a while.

The Inventor of the Bathroom Air Hand Dryer
It’s occurring to me as I write this that I seem to have many issues with public bathrooms. In fact, after looking back through my older posts, I realized I have complained about public bathrooms on multiple occasions in this series. One other thing that bothers me is the stupid air hand dryer. I just hate when there are no paper towels in a public bathroom and I’m forced to sit there for like 30 seconds waving my hands back and forth like an idiot until they get somewhat dry.

I get we’re all trying to be “green” these days but can’t I at least dry my hands with a paper towel still? I’ll offset my carbon footprint by bringing cloth bags to the supermarket. Can I get paper towels now?

I think the air hand dryer is un-American. American’s want every thing done quickly. We have fast food, fast cars and we should be able to dry our hands fast. We don’t have the patience to sit there and wait for our hands to dry. I know I never do. I usually give up after about five seconds and just wipe my hands on my jeans.

Now I’ve begun to see these Dyson hand dryers—you know, the same company that makes those absurd vacuum cleaners. The first time I saw one of these, I wasn’t even sure what it was. It took me five minutes to figure out I was supposed to use it to dry my hands. It may be a step in the right direction though. They are definitely quicker than the conventional ones. However, according to the web site, it still takes 12 seconds to dry your hands—which is about 11 seconds too slow for me.

The Idiot at ESPN.com Who Decided to Make People Pay for ESPN Insider
I usually check ESPN.com on a daily basis. Sometimes a headline will catch my eye and I start to read the opening paragraph, only to scroll down and find out that I have to sign up for ESPN insider to read the rest of the article. That’s BULLSHIT. It’s 2010. There are thousands of other web sites I can read to get info about sports. Why should I pay the fee for this?

It’s bad enough that every time I click on a page, some loud video advertisement plays automatically. I know it’s only three bucks a month for ESPN insider but I refuse to pay for it as a matter of principle. In a world where I can get limitless porn for free, why would I pay to read Eric Karabell’s fantasy football blog?

ESPN is bringing in money everywhere. Do they really need my $3 a month to get by? Fuck you ESPN Insider guy! I’d like to knock you out cold and then reach into your wallet and take three bucks from you!

That Purple Bear from Toy Story 3
(spoiler alert!) That purple bear in Toy Story 3 is a FUCKING CUNT. First he tricks all of Andy’s toys to go into that room where all the little kids beat the crap out of them. Then he managed to get all the toys thrown in a garbage dump. Even after all that, the heroic Woody saves the purple bear from impending death. How does the fat purple bear repay him? By leaving Woody and the rest of the crew to suffer what appeared to be certain death. Not only did he not try and save the toys but he purposely tricked all of them by making them think he was going to save them, only to run away at the last second.  If it wasn’t for some deus ex machina there, Woody, Buzz and the rest of the crew would have been toast. What a fucking ASSHOLE. I hate that fucking bear—and yes I’m a 28 year-old male without children and I watched Toy Story 3. Don’t fucking question my masculinity. I’ll punch your ass out!

It’s time we made some changes.

Here at LWB, I’ve decide to write a proposal that will drastically alter the holidays in this country.

With Election Day around the corner, I suggest you send this proposal to your local representative and suggest he or she push for this radical restructuring.

In this post, I will discuss which holidays should be eliminated and why, and then I will determine a replacement for that holiday (since us Americans certainly do not want to lose any days off).

Holiday to be eliminated: COLUMBUS DAY
What a completely pointless holiday.  There’s no reason garbage men can’t pick up my trash and mailmen can’t deliver my mail on a random Monday in October.  We’re celebrating a guy who “discovered” America.  Everyone knows he didn’t really discover it.  Natives were already living there and the Vikings had found Canada long before that.  Not to mention, the dude didn’t even land in the United States.  The Nina, the Pinta and The Santa Maria docked in the Bahamas.

That Columbus guy really stepped in shit.  He accidentally finds a “new” continent, then get a bajillion cities, streets and counties named after him and is awarded a holiday in his honor 500 years afterwards.  We should all be so lucky.

Replace Columbus Day with: SUPER BOWL SUNDAY
Since Columbus Day can hardly be called American, I think it’s only fair we replace it with something that is truly part of our culture.  I’m talking about football of course.

Now the Super Bowl is already on a Sunday, so most people are fortunate to have off already.  But there are still some poor saps that get stuck working during the game.  I propose that all non-essential workers (cops and doctors would still have to work) should have the day off.

Everyone should be able to have the opportunity to watch the Super Bowl.  I also propose that if the team in your city wins the Super Bowl, you are also allowed to take the following day off, as you will probably be hung over from a long night of celebration.

Holiday to be eliminated: PRESIDENT’S DAY
Look, we all know that Abe Lincoln and George Washington were an integral part of U.S. history and they should be celebrated for that.  But it’s not even their real birthday! We just picked the third Monday in February because it’s kinda close.

Do we really need this day off? It’s not a religious holiday and it doesn’t really have any significance to anyone alive today.  Get your fucking asses to work people.

Replace President’s Day with: ST. PATRICK’S DAY
Definitely a much more fun day than friggin’ President’s Day.  It’s a day of partying and drinking.  What’s not to like about that?—except that we are all stuck at work.

Also, the time around March is when there is a serious lull in holidays. Except for the rare occasion where Easter falls in March, we don’t have a single holiday break to look forward to.  We might as well throw a day off in the middle of March to help break up these holidays better.   St. Patrick’s Day is the perfect excuse for a day off!

Holiday to be eliminated: MEMORIAL DAY
Memorial Day is typically one of my favorite holidays.  It’s signifies the start of summer. I usually spend the day at the beach or in the backyard, eating good food and having a few cold ones.  It’s a great time.

Yet when you think about it, should we really be having fun on this day?  The day is honoring all the people that died in war protecting our country. It’s supposed to be a very somber day. We should all have to go to work on Memorial Day and be miserable.

This is the same reason why September 11^th should NEVER be a holiday.  I don’t want future generations of children looking forward to September 11^th because they don’t have to go school.

Replace with: ROSH HASHANAH/ YOM KIPPUR
Most public schools already give you off on these days, but if you’re in the workforce, you’re probably working on the Jewish holidays.  The Jews deserve to get these days off without having to take a personal day.  Plus, Jewish people have benefited from getting Christian holidays off all their lives.  It’s about time us Gentiles benefit from some Jewish holidays.

Holiday to be eliminated: VALENTINE’S DAY
Now I know we don’t actually get the day off for this holiday but I propose it be completely wiped off the calendar.  I’ve expressed my disgust for this holiday before on this site and my feelings have not wavered.

It’s a basically a holiday where men have to spend exorbitant amounts of money and put in a whole lot of effort,  just so they can have sex with their significant other, when on any normal day,  a man in a relationship can probably have sex without emptying his bank account or even getting off the couch.

You single people… don’t be depressed when Valentine’s Day rolls around.  You may be the lucky ones.

Replace with: STEAK AND BLOW JOB DAY
It’s time we made Steak and Blow Jobs Day an official holiday. It falls on March 14^th, a month after Valentine’s Day (which won’t exist with my proposal). It’s a holiday for men, where all we ask for is a nice steak dinner and a blow job from our woman.  This would immediately become my new favorite holiday.

If you have any other suggestions, please leave a comment and I will include it in my proposal.

“When someone comes by & tells you your blog sucks, you suck, your dog sucks & man, has anyone ever told you you suck?, don’t take the bait! Most of the time, these are just bitter people looking for a fight. It’s just like with bullies in school — all they want is a reaction. So don’t give it to them. There is nothing more infuriating than going out of your way to annoy someone & getting no response. They will fume like mad, & might have another go, but then they will go away. The game gets old. & you can do a little celebratory dance in your living room.”—Darren Rowse-ProBlogger

This is good advice and I should probably follow it. But I’m not going to.  Instead, I’m going to take a much different approach.  My approach is to do my best to EMBARRASS YOU.   

Yes. That’s right. You leave a negative comment on my blog and I’m going to let you have it. Forget about being the better fucking person.  Fuck turning the other cheek. This blog is called Living with BALLS.  You gotta have a big sack around here.

I run a humor blog.  The majority of what I write is not intended to be taken seriously.  I steer away from controversial subjects like politics and religion because I don’t want to deal with this crap.  The majority of my content involves me complaining about my wife or writing about boobs. So because of this, I will not hold back if I see a negative comment.

There’s no reason to make a personal attack at me. You don’t know me and you have no right to judge my character.  I know not everyone is going to like what I write and I’m fine with that.  If you don’t like it, don’t come back.  But don’t waste our time with a negative comment that adds nothing to the conversation.  

In fact, let me tell you a little about myself so you can save yourself the time of attacking my character. 

I’m not a fat. I’m not ugly and I’m not a loser who can’t get laid. I don’t live in my mom’s basement and blog all day.  That pretty much covers the majority of insults I get.

I suppose I’m decent looking. My wife claims to find me attractive and provides me with semi-regular sex. I have a master’s degree and I am fairly successful in life.  I write a couple posts a week on this blog with the little free time I actually have.

If you still decide to leave a negative comment, I will respond with something way more clever and creative and put you in your place, like I did to this faggot here. 

If I’m not feeling up to a conflict, I may just get one of my boys to rip you a new asshole, as Uncle Billy did so eloquently here…or perhaps I’ll get an assist from a loyal commenter as was the case here.   

And if you really piss me off, I’ll just reveal your email address to everyone and encourage my readers to write you nasty emails or sign you up for annoying mailing lists. 

Now if by some small chance, you get the better of me, then I’ll simply just delete your comment. YOU CAN’T WIN Negative Commenter Guy.  So I advise you stay away.

As anyone who has ever gotten married can confirm, the process of planning a wedding can be a very stressful experience. Whether it’s dealing with vendors, struggling with financial issues, trying to calm down a bridezilla or countless other unforeseen problems, the wedding process is sure to leave you aggravated at some point. Here are a few people I’ve wanted to punch along the way.

The “You’re Next!” Guy
This is a warning for any recently engaged couple. For any wedding you attend during your engagement, be prepared for at least 30 people to remind you that you are the next couple to get married. This usually comes from distant cousins and friends you haven’t seen in ages, who can’t think of anything else intelligent to say to you, while you stand around drinking cocktails. “HEY GUYS!! YOU’RE NEXT!!”

Thanks for the tip, Cousin Whose Name I Can Never Remember! I wasn’t sure how the Christian calendar worked. So July comes after May? Good thing you reminded me!

This number increases exponentially with each wedding you attend. So just be prepared to laugh it off, while deep down you’ll want to knock them the fuck out.

The Invention of the Garter Toss Guy
I’ve seen this with a lot of weddings recently. First the bride tosses the bouquet to a group of single women. Then the groom takes the garter from the bride and tosses it to a crowd of single guys. THEN, the guy who caught the garter must put it on the girl who caught the bouquet.

Every time I see this, it always pairs up the most inappropriate two people. IT NEVER FAILS. If you do this at your wedding you’re guaranteed to have your brother sticking his hand up your first cousin’s dress in front of your 95-year-old grandma; which will make a for a few very awkward moments.

This is just a terrible, terrible idea and should not be allowed at any weddings. Who ever came up with this idea should be punched hard enough so that he never comes up with any ideas ever again.

Wedding Invitation Guy
Of all the ridiculous crap you have to spend an absurd amount of money on when getting married, I didn’t expect wedding invitations to be one of them. I guess I was just being naïve because, really, how much could paper cost? WOW. I was severely mistaken.

I’m pretty sure all wedding invitation vendors are colluding with each other to make an exorbitant profit off engaged couples. They can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want. What are you going to do? You need wedding invitations! Thank God we had a family friend who sold wedding invitations and gave us a discount. It was STILL A RIP-OFF! I’d like to give all you invitation vendors a giant collective punch in the face!

While I’m at it, I wouldn’t mind smacking around the Florist and the Photographer either. Their prices are just as bad. Basically the only vendor who charges a reasonable amount of money is the DJ, and he works harder than anyone.

Hotel Direction Card Guy
We had our wedding out of town and good amount of our guests had to stay over night. We had about 60 rooms booked between two nights. Let me reiterate that: 60 ROOMS! The hotel only provided us with 60 directions cards (one per room). Since we were inviting 200 people, we obviously needed more than that. When we called to request more, the manager said they don’t give out anymore and we have to make copies on our own.

WE BOOKED 60 FUCKING ROOMS!! We probably gave them $15,000 in business and they are going to cheap out over a couple hundred direction cards?! The only excuse for this is if they are buying their paper from the wedding invitation guy. That could get expensive for them.

My initial plan was to call out the hotel but then I found out from some other engaged friends that most hotels do this! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Just for that, I will steal bath towels and hangers from your establishment and not feel guilty about it.

Late RSVP Guy
How fucking hard is it to mail the RSVP card back? We make it so easy for you! The address is on there. The stamp is on there. All you have to do is write YES or NO and drop it in the mail box! Are you not capable of completing this task within the one month period I’ve given you to respond? At this stage in the wedding planning process, I have 50 other things going on. The last thing I want to do is make 20 phone calls the week before my wedding to see if you’re coming. Don’t be surprised if I smack you around a bit when you congratulate me at the receiving line.

The RSVP’s with a Guest but Wasn’t Invited with a Guest Guy
Of all the wedding faux pas, no act bothers me more than the person who decided he’s going put a guest on the RSVP when he wasn’t invited with a guest. Do I need to spend over $100 a plate so some slut you met three weeks ago can have a nice time at my wedding?

Do I need to have your three kids come and eat chicken fingers and fish sticks for the price of Filet Mignon? Here’s a little hint RSVP’s with a Guest When he Wasn’t Invited with a Guest Guy, if the invitation doesn’t say “guest” or “family” then they aren’t fucking invited! We didn’t accidentally leave them off. Don’t call me and ask and, most certainly do not just go ahead and put their name on the RSVP because I will hunt you down and SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!

For those who have gone through the wedding planning process, feel free to share who you wanted to punch in the face along the way.

P.S.
Maybe these guys were just fed up with the “You’re Next Guy”

In this post, I will be listing a number of bullshit questions and answers. You’ll hear why it’s a stupid question, the bullshit response most people probably give, as well as the response most people are thinking but don’t actually say.

1. What is Your Greatest Weakness?
This is the king of bullshit questions at a job interview.  In the history of job interviews, not a single person has ever told the truth.  It’s a totally pointless question to ask because no one would ever give a straight answer. No one is going to be honest about their flaws on a job interview because that would severely hurt their chances of getting the job.  You’re always told to say some crap you can turn into a strength such as…

What You Probably Said: I often push myself too hard.  I don’t know how to balance my life because I’m a workaholic.  I’m a perfectionist who has trouble accepting failure.

What You Were Really Thinking: Well let’s see. I’m really lazy.  I usually stroll in to work at least 15 minutes late. I take long lunches and talk bad about my co-workers behind their backs. I am not willing to go the extra mile and I’ll spend most of my day going on Facebook and making personal phone calls. 

2. Why Do You Want to Work Here? The interviewer wants to know if you’re passionate about the job you’re applying for or if you just want a job.  More often than not, it’s the latter.

What you probably said: I’m looking for a new challenge in my life.  This company has a strong reputation and I feel I would be a good fit here for many years to come.

What you were really thinking: Why the fuck you think I want this job? I’m broke and I need money.  My last job sucked more than this one, so I quit on an impulse before I realized the repercussions of being unemployed.  I want this job because you have an opening and I need a job.  If I don’t get a job soon, my unemployment is going to run out and I will have to move back in with my parents.

You really think my passion in life to sit in some cubicle all day and push papers? You think I grew up dreaming of working here when I was a little boy? Nope. Truth is I fucked up my life and now I have to settle for working a meaningless, unfulfilling job that can provide me with the middle-class boring-ass lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to.

3. There’s a gap in your resume. It’s been some time since your last job.  What have you been doing since then? The employer wants to know if you’ve been keeping busy since your last job.  Makes sense—but if you haven’t been doing anything, you’ll have to make something up, such as…

What you probably said: I’ve been exploring my options and have been trying to find myself. I spent some time traveling overseas and visiting some relatives.  It was a great experience for me but now I’m ready to get back to work.

What you were thinking: I’ve been milking those unemployment checks for as long as possible. I usually slept till 11 most days and woke up to watch the Price is Right. The rest of my day was typically spent masturbating and playing Halo 3 in my underwear. The only time I put on pants was to answer the door when my Domino’s Pizza arrived.

4. Where do you see yourself five years from now? The employer likely wants to see if you have long-term goals.  Ideally if you’re goal-oriented you’ll make a better employee.  This question is bullshit because everyone says they will have the perfect life five years from now.

What you probably said: I see myself working in upper management and helping this company continue to be successful.  In my personal life, I hope to get married and start a family.

What you were thinking: I have no fucking clue what I’ll be doing five years from now. I don’t know what I’ll be doing next week!  God help me if I’m still working at this shitty job five years from now.  If I am then I’ll probably be jumping off the nearest tall building.  That’s probably where I’ll be.

5. Tell me about your proudest achievement: The employer wants to have an idea of what you achieved in your professional life.  Not really a bullshit question, but there is plenty of bullshit in the answer.

What you probably said: At my previous job, I was able to meet my quota of 100 widgets sold for 12 months in a row.  In two of those months I outsold some of the senior employees in our company.

What you were thinking: Probably when I was 17 and got a sweet blow job from one of the hottest girls in my high school…or maybe that time in college when I won ten straight games of beer pong. Man I was ON FIRE that night… Actually no… it’s neither of those.  My proudest achievement was definitely when I was 8 years old and finally beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.   It took me like a hundred tries but I finally did it.  I was so proud of myself that day.

6. Are you willing to work overtime, nights and weekends if need be? This job may require some overtime and the interviewer wants to know if you are prepared to do so.

What you probably said: Absolutely.  I want to do whatever it takes to be successful in this position.  If that means working overtime or coming in on Saturday from time-to-time than so be it.

What you were thinking: NO FUCKING WAY am I willing to work nights and weekends.

7. Do you have any questions for me? Supposedly you should always have some questions prepared. That it way it makes you look like you are genuinely interested in the job.

What you probably said: Yes I do. Based on the interview today, are there any concerns you have in regards to my ability to perform this job?

What you were thinking: How much does it pay? How many vacation days will I get? Will I get dental? Were you serious about working nights and weekends?  Does your hot secretary have a boyfriend?

8. Why did you leave your last job?  The interviewer just wants to make sure you didn’t leave your previous job on a bad note.

What you probably said: Well…I just felt it was time for a change. I had been there for a few years and I was ready for a new challenge.  There was little room for growth in the company and I want to move up in my field.

What you were thinking: My boss was a complete fucking asshole. I couldn’t stand that son-of-a-bitch.  He made me work long hours for shitty pay and didn’t treat me with respect. All my co-workers were total LOSERS and I couldn’t stand to stay there another second.  One day, I just lost it and told my boss to fuck off, stole all the office supplies I could carry, walked out the door and went straight to the bar to get loaded.

I hope this has helped to shed light on some of the difficult questions you may face when going on your next job interview.  As long as you feed the interviewer bullshit, you should have a good chance of getting the job.

New York has the Worst Drivers
FALSE
New York has the BEST drivers.  You have to be a good driver to get around in New York City; otherwise you’ll get driven off the road.  Any schmuck can drive in a straight line down Route 80 with no traffic.  New York provides the most challenging driving situations in the country.  

Try maneuvering through the Long Island Expressway during rush hour when you are late for work.  Try navigating around bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Major Deegan when you are trying to get to Yankee Stadium by a 7:05 first pitch.  Try making a left-hand turn, while avoiding oncoming traffic and pedestrians in the cross walk, all while some impatient driver holds on his horn behind you.  It takes GREAT drivers to do this.

The only reason people think New Yorkers can’t drive is because there are so many of us.  The greater the number of people, the greater chance some idiot will be on the road.  We do have some idiots drivers but the percentage is no greater than any other state.

All New Yorkers are Rude
TRUE AND FALSE
Are New Yorkers rude? Yes we are.  We weren’t born this way though.  New York has made all of us inconsiderate assholes.  Think about it.  There are 8 million of us crammed into a tiny island and it takes us an hour to drive five miles into work.  We have to hop over homeless people and navigate around tourists to catch a train home. You need to be rich just to be able to buy a starter house and everything costs way more than it does anywhere else in the country.  Oh yeah—we also have Al-Qaeda living amongst us trying to blow us up every chance we get.  SHIT. If you lived here, you’d probably be a little cranky too.

One other thing I’ve noticed.  If you go to any other place in the country, people will say hello to random strangers walking down the street.  WE DON’T DO THAT HERE.  (I’ve had to explain that to my Pennsylvanian fiancé several times.  She always does that and everyone thinks she’s a weirdo).  This doesn’t mean we aren’t friendly people; it’s just part of our culture here.  New Yorkers are very guarded people and we have to be in order to survive in this town.  

New York is not a Safe Place to Live
FALSE
New York City is one of the safest cities in the country.  In 2007, New York City was rated the safest of the 10 largest cities in the United States.  Now I wouldn’t start looking for homes in East New York or South Jamaica but you can feel pretty safe in most parts of New York. 

We all Speak with Obnoxious New York Accents
FALSE
Hey I’m from New Yawk. Fugghedabout it! Not all New Yorkers talk like this.  We aren’t all guidos and wanna-be thugs.  Most of us talk normally. There are plenty of intelligent, well-spoken people here.  (Except for Staten Island. Everyone there is really like that). 

We Think we are Better Than You
OK. This one is TRUE.  We do think we are better than you…well… because we are.  If you ever overhear someone ripping into the shitty podunk town you live in, there’s a good chance he or she is a native New Yorker.   We live in the greatest city in the world, so anywhere else we go is a downgrade.  Want us to quit making fun of your boring hick town?  How about having bars that stay open past 2 a.m. or opening up a store other than Wal-Mart.  If going to Applebee’s is your idea of a night out or The Olive Garden is your idea of fine Italian dining, than you and everyone else in your town deserves to be mocked.  Frank Sinatra and Jay-Z didn’t write New York theme songs for no reason. We are the greatest city in the world and we have the greatest people in the world! Cue Alicia Keys and Jay-Z…

THE FIRST COMMENTER GUY
This is the guy who comments on a blog and all he puts is “FIRST!!” Congrats, you’re the first commenter on some stupid blog like this one. WANNA COOKIE! You are a waste of life first commenter guy. I would like to smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Mrs. Commenter Guy, out for a nice seafood dinner and NEVER CALL HER AGAIN!     

8 million people, 8 million stories...and they're all in this subway

THE TRIES TO GET ON A SUBWAY BEFORE THE DOZENS OF PEOPLE CAN GET OFF IT GUY
Anyone who lives in any major metropolitan area knows and LOATHES this guy.  It’s 5:00 pm on a Friday. It’s rush hour.  You are trying get off the smelly, disgusting, overcrowded train so you can catch another overcrowded connecting train and some jerk-off decides he is going to squeeze through the 50 people trying to get out of the car, rather than waiting for everyone to get out first.  If you wanna throw down Gets on the Subway Before People can Get Off Guy, let’s THROW DOWN! I got Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary waiting for ya right here!     

THE FAT GIRL WHO HATES ON HOT GIRLS ON TV
You ever see this? A fat girl is watching TV and she makes a jealous comment about every hot girl on television. It usually sounds something like this:  

“Oh that Kim Kardashian is so gross. Her ass is soooo big. Why do guys like that?”
(eats another cheese puff)
“God I hate Jessica Simpson. She’s such a fat whore”
(as cheese puff crumbs fall from her mouth)     

I’d like to punch you in the ovary, Fat Girl Who Hates on Hot Girls on TV. That’s what I’m gonna do.  A straight shot. Right to the baby maker.     

THE DOESN’T FLUSH AFTER HE USES A PUBLIC TOILET GUY
I can’t stand it when I need to take a dump and every toilet in a public place is filled with rotting shit and lined with ass-soaked toilet paper.  Sometimes it’s so bad I need to call the CDC before I go near that toilet.  If everyone just flushed after they did their business, the world would be a better place.  I never catch the guy in the act but if I did I’d throw a trident through his chest and then lay low for a couple days, since I’d probably be wanted for murder.      

THE DISCONNECTS XBOX LIVE IN A GAME OF MADDEN SO HE DOESN’T GET A LOSS GUY
After countless games of getting your ass kicked by some 11-year old, you’re finally dominating in a game of Madden.  Then the asshole you’re playing disconnects his Xbox Live in the fourth quarter and the win doesn’t even register! This is getting to be ri-goddamn-dicolous! Go fuck yourself Disconnects Xbox Live Guy!     

And now for some “real” people I’d like to punch in the face.     

MS. BLISS
Most mornings, I like to turn on Saved by the Bell as I get ready for work.  Despite the cheesy storylines and bad acting, I still love it…but only the high school episodes. Those junior high episodes SUCK. There’s no worse way to start my day then to turn on TBS and see those old episodes of Saved by the Bell, with that stupid lesbo Ms. Bliss.  The only thing worse than you Ms. Bliss is that crappy Saved by the Bell, the New Class.  If you were a man, Ms. Bliss, I would punch you. Punch you right in the mouth.      

ANY EXECUTIVE FOR NBC
NBC you’ve been screwing up your primetime lineup for years and now you have destroyed the only good thing you had going for you: Conan O’Brien. I’d like to punch you so hard it would knock you back into fourth place (oh wait, you already are in fourth place).     

I miss you so damn much Conan. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.     

MARK MCGWIRE
Sure, Mark McGwire admitted he used steroids during his career and most importantly, during the 1998 season when he smacked a then-record 70 home runs.  I suppose I should give him credit for that. Yet, the guy has the balls to claim he didn’t take steroids to build strength.      

“I did this for health purposes. There’s no way I did this for any type of strength use,” said McDouchebag. “There’s not a pill or an injection that’s going to give me, going to give any player the hand-eye coordination to hit a baseball.” YEAAAAH. OK.  How naïve does he think we are?       

Here’s a little tidbit for you Mark: Before 1998, only two players had ever hit 60 home runs or more. Those players (Babe Ruth and Roger Maris) were both left-handed hitters playing in Yankee Stadium, when right field was 290 feet from home plate (They also had Lou Gehrig and Mickey Mantle protecting them respectively). So you mean to tell me that you hit 70 HOME RUNS in a good-sized ball park and that the steroids you took have nothing to do with it? Get the fuck outta here McAsshole.  I can’t believe we thought the home run race with McGwire and Sosa was legit. As an avid baseball fan, it makes me sick.  You stay classy Mark McGwire.