A better kind of fantasy baseball

I’ve been playing fantasy baseball for many years now. Baseball is my favorite sport and I follow it more closely than any other sport, yet I have yet to win a fantasy baseball title—EVER. It’s beyond frustrating. It seems like no matter how hard I prepare for a draft, or how closely I monitor free agents during the season, something always goes wrong. This season is already shaping up to be another shitty one.  When it comes to fantasy baseball, I subscribe to Murphy’s Law—the belief that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong.

Here is my “Fantasy Baseball Murphy’s Law” list

The perennial all-star you draft in the first round will have the worst year of his career the year you draft him

The following year, when you pass him over, he will dominate the league

The ace pitcher you draft will announce he is having Tommy John surgery two days after your draft ended

Your best closer will lose the job one month into the season

The guy in your league with five closers will pick up his replacement minutes before you do

You will drop a set-up man the day before he is announced as the new closer

When you finally beat someone to a new closer, he will get hit all over the place and destroy your ERA before being demoted again (see Mark Melancon)

Your relief pitchers will never vulture any wins. But your opponent’s relief pitchers will vulture plenty.

You finally decide to bench a guy after a prolonged slump. The day you bench him, he hits a home run.

You put him back in the lineup the next day and he goes 0-4 with 3 K’s

When torn between starting or benching one of your starting pitchers on the day of his start, whatever decision you make will be the wrong one. If you start him, he will get rocked. If you bench him he’ll throw a no-hitter (this actually happened to me last year, when shitty Francisco Liriano threw a no-hitter).

On a day where you finally get great starting pitching from several guys, one of your relief pitchers will get hit around and ruin your team ERA for the day.

If your starting pitcher leaves the game with a lead, a relief pitcher will always blow the win

If your starting pitcher leaves a tie game with a man on base, the relief pitcher will always allow that run to score and your pitcher will be credited with a loss

If your pitcher is in line for a loss, his team’s offense will never pick him up to tie the game and get him a no-decision

If your league uses quality starts, your pitcher will removed after 5 2/3 innings

If you trade a player because you are deep in a certain position, (i.e. lots of starting pitching), you will be hit with a rash of injuries to that position immediately following the trade.

If you trade away a slumping superstar, he will go on a tear the day the trade was completed

If you trade for a player having a big year, he will get hurt within days of him being on your roster

No matter how many DL slots you have, you will always have one more injured player than allotted DL slots.

Have any other ones? Share it in the comment section. If they’re good, I will add them to the post.  

Meanwhile, sports writers follow the players down South in order to provide news to baseball fans across the country that are hungry to read about baseball after a long winter.

Yet we are still over a month away from any meaningful games so there really isn’t a lot to talk about.  There’s not much going on at Spring Training other than light jogging, pitchers fielding practice and soft tossing.  However, beat writers have to write about something while they are down in Florida and Arizona, so they find ways to turn just about anything into a 1,500-word press release.

I did this last year and found a number of ridiculous articles. So I dug deep into the MLB.com news archive again and found five more absurd articles that could hardly be called newsworthy.

John Axford Accurately Predicts Some of the Oscar Winners

Milwaukee Brewers’ closer John Axford was in the news, not for his pitching but for his apparent clairvoyance…or at least partial clairvoyance.  Apparently the Brewers’ hurler accurately predicted 11 out of 13 Oscar Winners!! Can you believe it??

“On Sunday, Axford nailed best picture (”The Artist”), best actor (star of “The Artist,” Jean Dujardin) and both of the best supporting actor categories. He missed, as did many Oscar prognosticators, on best actress, which went to Meryl Streep for her portrayal of British prime minister Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady.” Axford’s pick was Viola Davis from “The Help.”

Maybe this would have been newsworthy if he got 13 out of 13, but even then it’s questionable.  But he got 11…big fucking deal.  Like we all didn’t know The Artist was gonna win every award.

In case you were wondering what Axford’s favorite movie of 2011 was, MLB.com also provided that important tidbit of information.

“His favorite movie of the year was “Rango,” which won best animated film. Axford watched it during 2011 Spring Training, when he was felled by a nasty case of food poisoning”

Player Formerly Known as Mike Stanton Dominates Pitching Machine

Giancarlo “Don’t call me Mike” Stanton impressed people during the first day of workouts by hitting home runs off the pitching machine. That’s it.  That’s the entire news story—A hitter on the Marlins performed well at batting practice…

“When Mike Stanton steps to the plate in batting practice, it is must-see-BP.

The Marlins’ 22-year-old slugger didn’t disappoint on Thursday.

On a back field at the Roger Dean Stadium complex, Stanton went up against a pitching machine. It was no contest.

During one round, he hit three consecutive opposite-field home runs. And he completed the round with two in a row to right field. The one ball he pulled to left easily cleared the fence.”

This is great news for anyone who has Mike Giancarlo Stanton on their batting practice fantasy team.

Chicago Cubs Hold Bunting Competition

Are you curious to know the results of the Cubs bunting competition? Couldn’t find the results on ESPN?  What gives??  Well don’t worry, MLB.com broke down the heated bunting competition held at Cubs camp between a bunch of obscure minor leaguers.

The first round of the Cubs’ bunting tournament got under way on Thursday, and pitcher Chris Rusin can breathe a sigh of relief.

Rusin was matched up with strength and conditioning coach Tim Buss, but the pitcher clearly had the edge and advanced.

“I think Bussy [was nervous] under the pressure,” Cubs manager Dale Sveum said. “He was really good out here at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.”

The others to advance include Jeff Beliveau, Lendy Castillo, Trey McNutt, Rafael Dolis, Dae-Eun Rhee, Scott Maine and Casey Coleman. Maine needed 40 points on his last bunt to beat Blake Parker, and got the win with a well-placed bunt into the 40-point block on the third-base side.

I got my money on Trey McNutt.  Anyone know any casinos taking action on this?

Matt Garza Cheers for his Teammates

Breaking news from Cubs camp…pitcher Matt Garza cheers for his teammates when he’s not pitching. 

You’ve seen Matt Garza on the top step of the dugout, cheering, clapping and extolling the Cubs on days he’s not pitching. All the gyrations and animation don’t go unnoticed by his teammates.

“I was always taught to do that, to cheer your teammates, pick them up, stuff like that,” Garza said Wednesday. “I’ve done that since Little League. I go to Little League games now and watch my son, and I don’t like how I see kids just chit-chatting. They should be watching the game and rooting for their teammates.”

Garza later said how he still gets ice cream after victories just like he did in Little League.

And apparently the aforementioned bunting competition is more intense than we realized.

Bottom line, Garza is incredibly competitive, and he showed that intensity during his first-round match against Carlos Marmol in the bunting tournament. Garza did not do well, and he did not enjoy losing in the team event.

Manager Dale Sveum went on to say this about Garza..

“You kind of appreciate a starting pitcher being that involved in the four days he doesn’t pitch.”

I do suppose it’s better then eating Popeye’s and drinking beer during off days.

David Wright Wears Michigan Football Jersey in Practice

Hey remember who won the Sugar Bowl this season? I don’t either.  Apparently Michigan defeated Virginia Tech in that game.  Wright, a Virginia native, apparently made a bet with Mets COO Jeff Wilpon on the outcome, with the loser forced to wear the other teams’ jersey. 

Having lost the bet, Wright was forced to wear a Michigan jersey during the first spring practice.

Later Wright was quoted in saying…

“I’ve been wearing Mets jerseys for so many years, it’s nice to put on a jersey of a team that actually won something.”

Ok, he really didn’t say that but how great would it have been if he did?

Many have wondered why Pujols decided to leave St. Louis, a city where he was adored by baseball-crazy fans.

Well, Pujols’ wife, Diedre Pujols, gave a little insight into Albert’s decision during a recent interview with a St. Louis-area Christian radio station.

“When it all came down, I was mad. I was mad at God because I felt like all the signs that had been being played out through the baseball field, our foundation, our restaurant, the Down Syndrome Center, my relationships, my home, my family close,” Diedre Pujols told the station. “I mean, we had no reason, not one reason, to want to leave. People were deceived by the numbers.”

She indicated the key moment was the Cardinals’ initial offer of five years and $130 million.

“When you have somebody say ‘We want you to be a Cardinal for life’ and only offer you a five-year deal, it kind of confused us,” Diedre Pujols said. “Well, we got over that insult and felt like Albert had given so much of himself to baseball and into the community … we didn’t want to go through this again.”

Apparently the Cardinals “insulting” offer had the poor Mrs. Pujols questioning her faith. How could the Pujols family ever survive this hardship? Only 130 million? How will she feed her family? Why does God do BAD things to GOOD people?? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN DIEDRE PUJOLS, LORD?

And there’s no way she could EVER imagine going through difficult ordeal of having several professional baseball organizations throw millions and millions of dollars at her husband in an effort to convince him to play a game for a living. People with cancer must think they have it made when they hear of the struggles that Mr. and Mrs. Pujols have had to endure through this difficult free agency process.

Please…someone insult me with a $130 million dollar offer to play a game. Shit…for that amount of money, I’ll do a lot less enjoyable jobs than play baseball. I will do unspeakable things for that amount of money.

Diedre Pujols later went on to say this…

“It’s just like God,” she said at the end of the interview, “to put us on a team called the Angels.”

OHHH PLEEEEASE!!!…Even Tim Tebow thinks this statement is ridiculous. I find it highly unlikely that God used his divine intervention to put the Angels in a better position to win the pennant. Those types of stories only happen in the movies (and Denver Broncos games)…and they already made that film. Perhaps this will be the sequel to Angels in the Outfield. We’ll call it Angels at the Bargaining Table.

A few years ago, Benson was insanely hot (see picture to the left). So when I heard she was going to be on this show, it peaked my interest, albeit momentarily. Unfortunately, I was stunned to see the way she looks now…

Apparently, just like her husband’s pitching career, she peaked many years ago and is WELL past her prime. The other wives aren’t much better. They all look like they are strung out on crack or have an eating disorder (Anna Benson has the opposite problem). You would think professional baseball players would be able to pull better pieces of ass. I made it through about ten minutes of this show and turned it off.

It’s time to neglect your responsibilities and ignore your girlfriend because you have a lot of TV watching to do. With college football on Saturdays, NFL football on Sundays and the MLB playoffs just about every day, there isn’t much time for anything else.

When it comes to sports, there is really no other month that compares. For instance, as I publish this today, there are 3 MLB playoff games and an entire slate of NFL games. With football and baseball being my two favorite sports, I have some tough decisions to make. I literally need about 4 televisions in my living room. It’s fantastic. Since football and baseball are also our country’s two most popular sports, it’s likely you feel the same way.

Some may claim March is the best sports month. But outside of March Madness, there really isn’t much going on. And really, March Madness is only exciting during the opening weekend. After that, your bracket is totally fucked and you lose interest.

Others may claim that February is the top sports month. I don’t see how that’s possible. Sure you have the biggest game of the year in February. Super Bowl betting is always fun. Yet after that first weekend, you have a pretty quiet month.

One could also make an argument for June. The NHL and NBA finals are going on, while baseball is in full swing. That might be the best argument, but it’s hard to make that case when the NFL, our country’s most popular league, is in the offseason.

That’s why I say we are in the midst of the best sports time of the year. So enjoy it! If you disagree, leave a comment and tell me what month you think is better and why.

The truth is, there is nothing anyone can do to makes these games more exciting. All-Star games in any sport are nothing but a glorified, overly drawn out exhibition game.

All-Star games used to be exciting many years ago because sports coverage was very regionalized. Fans could usually only watch games of their local team. To follow the other teams in the league, you either had to read the newspaper or wait till the end of the news broadcast for a sports anchor to scroll scores across the screen.

The All-star game used to be one of the few opportunities a fan would have to see some of the game’s best players. Let’s say you were a fan of a National League team in the 80s. Your only chance to see American League stars such as Don Mattingly or Roger Clemens play was during the All-Star Game. This isn’t the case anymore.

Now watching any team play in any sport is fairly easy. All you need to do now is have an internet connection or purchase a package from your television provider. With features such as MLB.TV or NFL Sunday Ticket, fans can watch games from anywhere in the country.

When you take away the allure of watching star players that fans rarely get to see, then all-star games turn into a snooze fest. The Pro Bowl is anti-climactic because its at the end of the season, no one plays defense in the NBA All-Star Game, the MLB All-Star game takes four hours to play and Americans don’t care about meaningful hockey games, let alone an all-star game.

Even the other events surrounding all-star games have lost their luster. The Home Run Derby is three hours of batting practice and the Slam Dunk contest is boring because every dunk has already been done.

Now because of this, it seems like every professional sport is coming up with crazy ways to make the All-Star game more exciting. Every league has tried something drastic to make the game more interesting, such as having the all-star game decide home field advantage in the World Series, putting the Pro Bowl before the Super Bowl instead of after it, or doing a friggin’ fantasy draft.

The truth is none of these ideas can make the game any more interesting because when it comes down to it, all-star games are still meaningless. We need to just accept these games for what they are and stop trying to mess with them.

When it comes down to it, fans of the sports are going to watch the game, while those who are just casual fans probably will not. I watched the baseball all-star game last night, not because it decided home field advantage in the World Series but because I’m a fan of baseball…Also, there is really not much else on TV on a Tuesday night in July.

As I took in a pair of games at historic Wrigley Field, I started to learn why the Cubs haven’t won a series since 1908. Losing has become part of their appeal and their fans have embraced the concept of the “Loveable Losers.” I even saw some kid being interviewed on ESPN saying he’d rather be a Cubs fan than a Yankees fan because “it would be boring to always win.” I’ve been a Yankees fan my whole life. Trust me kid. There is nothing boring about winning.

Cubs fans and their relationship with Wrigley Field is like being in a bad relationship with a beautiful woman. They are blinded by its exterior beauty and can’t see the flaws on the inside.

On the exterior, everything about Wrigley Field looks amazing. The field has a quaint atmosphere of a minor-league park with its ivory-covered brick walls and auxiliary scoreboard. But what you’ll find in the interior are cramped seats, no video board and a trough in a disgusting men’s room where 50 men are pissing simultaneously. Oh yeah…and the team playing inside stinks.

But Cubs fans are blinded by Wrigley Field, just like a man would be blinded by dating a beautiful woman who brings nothing else to the table.

Every game is like a party for Cubs fans, where the outcome isn’t as important as having fun. Remember the crap your parents told you after losing a game in Little League, that it’s not important if you won or lost, as long as you had fun? It seems like Cubs fans live by that notion. The result is a side note to getting drunk and tossing beach balls around. I can see why Wrigley Field is called “The Friendly Confines”: Because the park is too small and their fans are wimps (except for the teenage girl that called my 63-year old father a “faggot Yankees fan”). Obnoxious Yankees fans were scattered all over that park, talking shit at every opportunity and most Cubs fans just sat there and took it. Even when the Cubs won on Friday, they failed to seize a rare opportunity to talk trash. Maybe that’s the difference between New Yorkers and Chicagoans. Perhaps they are just too polite to say anything.

As the team with 27 World Series Championships took two-out-of three from a team who hasn’t won a title in over 100 years, it became clear which city had the better baseball team. But when it comes to other important aspects, Chicago holds its own against New York City. Though I was only there a few days, I took in a good amount of the city and have drawn some key comparisons between Chicago and New York.

Cleanliness and Attractiveness
I did a lot of exploring through downtown Chicago on two hot days and it was nice to walk through a city without having the smell of rotting garbage penetrate my nostrils. The city is beautiful and cleaner than Manhattan and the skyline is just as breathtaking as the New York City skyline, if not more. Millenium Park is a gorgeous spot as well.
Advantage: Chicago

Friendliness
People in Chicago are WAY friendlier than people in New York. Most people in New York are miserable assholes. Just about everyone I dealt with in Chicago greeted me with a smile and usually started a friendly conversation.
Advantage: Chicago

Nightlife
In New York City, there is pretty much a bar on every corner. In Chicago it’s a little harder to find a good bar. Though there are plenty of bars in Chicago, New York City makes the Windy City look like a dry town.
Advantage: New York City

Traffic
The traffic in both cities blows.
Advantage: push

Girls
I was very impressed with the quality of women in Chicago. There were beautiful women everywhere I went. However, there wasn’t much diversity with the ladies. Chicago featured mostly regular white girls, with a handful of attractive Spanish and black chicks. New York City has beautiful woman of all races. It’s a veritable melting pot of sweet pussy. If you apply yourself in New York, you could sleep with a woman from every continent and it probably wouldn’t be all that difficult.
Advantage: Slight edge to New York City

Pizza
Sorry Chicagoans. Deep dish pizza doesn’t hold a candle to New York pizza. I treated myself to some famous deep dish Pizza at Gino’s East, which supposedly is the best place to get deep dish pizza in Chicago. It was even featured on an episode of Man vs. Food.

The idea of eating pizza with a fork and knife just felt dirty to me (and Jon Stewart would agree). I did not find the pizza as good as New York pizza and at the end of dinner all I had to show for my meal was a bad case of indigestion.
Advantage: New York

Overall
Chicago is a great city and I will definitely be back. Is it better than New York? Well I’m a little biased as a native New Yorker. So I’d say probably not. What are your thoughts? Any objective opinions here?

Yes you read that sentence correctly.

Allred was reenacting a recent incident involving Atlanta Braves pitching coach Roger McDowell, where McDowell made homophobic slurs and gestures toward some fans.

Take a look at the video…

There is so much to love about this video but here are a few of my favorite parts…

At the 0:47 mark, Allred quotes McDowell by saying “Are you two giving it to each other up the ass?” Except she doesn’t want to say the word ass, so instead she comes up with what sounded like “The crude word for rear-end.”

Then at the 2:00 minute mark, the poor bastard in the pink tie is asked to help demonstrate the lewd gesture that McDowell made to the fans. Then, for what seems like forever, Allred begins simulating sex with a baseball bat through the fingers of Pink Tie Guy, all while two little girls look on in confusion.

At the 2:04 mark, Pink Tie Guy nods in approval to show Allred that she is indeed demonstrating it properly.

Finally, at the 2:15 mark, Allred pauses and then realizes that maybe she hasn’t demonstrated anal sex with a baseball bat for long enough and continues for 14 more excruciatingly awkward seconds.

You could make a case that this press conference was more offensive than Roger McDowell. What are your thoughts?

Since she is a Mets fan and I’m a Yankees fan, we decided to make it interesting with a bet that will spell certain embarrassment for the loser