A better kind of fantasy baseball

I’ve been playing fantasy baseball for many years now. Baseball is my favorite sport and I follow it more closely than any other sport, yet I have yet to win a fantasy baseball title—EVER. It’s beyond frustrating. It seems like no matter how hard I prepare for a draft, or how closely I monitor free agents during the season, something always goes wrong. This season is already shaping up to be another shitty one.  When it comes to fantasy baseball, I subscribe to Murphy’s Law—the belief that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong.

Here is my “Fantasy Baseball Murphy’s Law” list

The perennial all-star you draft in the first round will have the worst year of his career the year you draft him

The following year, when you pass him over, he will dominate the league

The ace pitcher you draft will announce he is having Tommy John surgery two days after your draft ended

Your best closer will lose the job one month into the season

The guy in your league with five closers will pick up his replacement minutes before you do

You will drop a set-up man the day before he is announced as the new closer

When you finally beat someone to a new closer, he will get hit all over the place and destroy your ERA before being demoted again (see Mark Melancon)

Your relief pitchers will never vulture any wins. But your opponent’s relief pitchers will vulture plenty.

You finally decide to bench a guy after a prolonged slump. The day you bench him, he hits a home run.

You put him back in the lineup the next day and he goes 0-4 with 3 K’s

When torn between starting or benching one of your starting pitchers on the day of his start, whatever decision you make will be the wrong one. If you start him, he will get rocked. If you bench him he’ll throw a no-hitter (this actually happened to me last year, when shitty Francisco Liriano threw a no-hitter).

On a day where you finally get great starting pitching from several guys, one of your relief pitchers will get hit around and ruin your team ERA for the day.

If your starting pitcher leaves the game with a lead, a relief pitcher will always blow the win

If your starting pitcher leaves a tie game with a man on base, the relief pitcher will always allow that run to score and your pitcher will be credited with a loss

If your pitcher is in line for a loss, his team’s offense will never pick him up to tie the game and get him a no-decision

If your league uses quality starts, your pitcher will removed after 5 2/3 innings

If you trade a player because you are deep in a certain position, (i.e. lots of starting pitching), you will be hit with a rash of injuries to that position immediately following the trade.

If you trade away a slumping superstar, he will go on a tear the day the trade was completed

If you trade for a player having a big year, he will get hurt within days of him being on your roster

No matter how many DL slots you have, you will always have one more injured player than allotted DL slots.

Have any other ones? Share it in the comment section. If they’re good, I will add them to the post.  

Meanwhile, sports writers follow the players down South in order to provide news to baseball fans across the country that are hungry to read about baseball after a long winter.

Yet we are still over a month away from any meaningful games so there really isn’t a lot to talk about.  There’s not much going on at Spring Training other than light jogging, pitchers fielding practice and soft tossing.  However, beat writers have to write about something while they are down in Florida and Arizona, so they find ways to turn just about anything into a 1,500-word press release.

I did this last year and found a number of ridiculous articles. So I dug deep into the MLB.com news archive again and found five more absurd articles that could hardly be called newsworthy.

John Axford Accurately Predicts Some of the Oscar Winners

Milwaukee Brewers’ closer John Axford was in the news, not for his pitching but for his apparent clairvoyance…or at least partial clairvoyance.  Apparently the Brewers’ hurler accurately predicted 11 out of 13 Oscar Winners!! Can you believe it??

“On Sunday, Axford nailed best picture (”The Artist”), best actor (star of “The Artist,” Jean Dujardin) and both of the best supporting actor categories. He missed, as did many Oscar prognosticators, on best actress, which went to Meryl Streep for her portrayal of British prime minister Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady.” Axford’s pick was Viola Davis from “The Help.”

Maybe this would have been newsworthy if he got 13 out of 13, but even then it’s questionable.  But he got 11…big fucking deal.  Like we all didn’t know The Artist was gonna win every award.

In case you were wondering what Axford’s favorite movie of 2011 was, MLB.com also provided that important tidbit of information.

“His favorite movie of the year was “Rango,” which won best animated film. Axford watched it during 2011 Spring Training, when he was felled by a nasty case of food poisoning”

Player Formerly Known as Mike Stanton Dominates Pitching Machine

Giancarlo “Don’t call me Mike” Stanton impressed people during the first day of workouts by hitting home runs off the pitching machine. That’s it.  That’s the entire news story—A hitter on the Marlins performed well at batting practice…

“When Mike Stanton steps to the plate in batting practice, it is must-see-BP.

The Marlins’ 22-year-old slugger didn’t disappoint on Thursday.

On a back field at the Roger Dean Stadium complex, Stanton went up against a pitching machine. It was no contest.

During one round, he hit three consecutive opposite-field home runs. And he completed the round with two in a row to right field. The one ball he pulled to left easily cleared the fence.”

This is great news for anyone who has Mike Giancarlo Stanton on their batting practice fantasy team.

Chicago Cubs Hold Bunting Competition

Are you curious to know the results of the Cubs bunting competition? Couldn’t find the results on ESPN?  What gives??  Well don’t worry, MLB.com broke down the heated bunting competition held at Cubs camp between a bunch of obscure minor leaguers.

The first round of the Cubs’ bunting tournament got under way on Thursday, and pitcher Chris Rusin can breathe a sigh of relief.

Rusin was matched up with strength and conditioning coach Tim Buss, but the pitcher clearly had the edge and advanced.

“I think Bussy [was nervous] under the pressure,” Cubs manager Dale Sveum said. “He was really good out here at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.”

The others to advance include Jeff Beliveau, Lendy Castillo, Trey McNutt, Rafael Dolis, Dae-Eun Rhee, Scott Maine and Casey Coleman. Maine needed 40 points on his last bunt to beat Blake Parker, and got the win with a well-placed bunt into the 40-point block on the third-base side.

I got my money on Trey McNutt.  Anyone know any casinos taking action on this?

Matt Garza Cheers for his Teammates

Breaking news from Cubs camp…pitcher Matt Garza cheers for his teammates when he’s not pitching. 

You’ve seen Matt Garza on the top step of the dugout, cheering, clapping and extolling the Cubs on days he’s not pitching. All the gyrations and animation don’t go unnoticed by his teammates.

“I was always taught to do that, to cheer your teammates, pick them up, stuff like that,” Garza said Wednesday. “I’ve done that since Little League. I go to Little League games now and watch my son, and I don’t like how I see kids just chit-chatting. They should be watching the game and rooting for their teammates.”

Garza later said how he still gets ice cream after victories just like he did in Little League.

And apparently the aforementioned bunting competition is more intense than we realized.

Bottom line, Garza is incredibly competitive, and he showed that intensity during his first-round match against Carlos Marmol in the bunting tournament. Garza did not do well, and he did not enjoy losing in the team event.

Manager Dale Sveum went on to say this about Garza..

“You kind of appreciate a starting pitcher being that involved in the four days he doesn’t pitch.”

I do suppose it’s better then eating Popeye’s and drinking beer during off days.

David Wright Wears Michigan Football Jersey in Practice

Hey remember who won the Sugar Bowl this season? I don’t either.  Apparently Michigan defeated Virginia Tech in that game.  Wright, a Virginia native, apparently made a bet with Mets COO Jeff Wilpon on the outcome, with the loser forced to wear the other teams’ jersey. 

Having lost the bet, Wright was forced to wear a Michigan jersey during the first spring practice.

Later Wright was quoted in saying…

“I’ve been wearing Mets jerseys for so many years, it’s nice to put on a jersey of a team that actually won something.”

Ok, he really didn’t say that but how great would it have been if he did?

Actual wife not pictured

It’s Super Bowl week—which for many men is the most important gambling day of the year. The one question on gamblers’ minds everywhere is not who will win the game, but which team will cover the spread.

Last year, not knowing whom to pick, I consulted with my wife, who knows next to nothing about football, with the hopes she would be my good-luck charm.  Amazingly, not only did she accurately predict that the Packers would cover the spread but she nearly got the score of the game right.

So I decided to consult her once again in hopes that she could pick me another winner. Here’s how our conversation went…

Johnny Sacks: As a Jets fan, I’ve forced you sit through a number of Patriots games over the years, so you probably know slightly more about them than you do about other teams— which would ordinarily be nothing.  Give me your impressions about the Patriots.

Mrs. Sacks: They have a hot quarterback.  They also have nice colors. I like their red throwback jerseys.  I hope they wear them on Sunday.

Johnny Sacks: I actually kind of like those uniforms too.  Too bad I loath the Patriots with every fiber of my being…You’ve recently become a citizen of New York state.  Does this mean you will you be pulling for the Giants?

Mrs. Sacks:  No. I don’t care who wins.  I will be watching the Puppy Bowl with the kitty halftime show

Johnny Sacks: Of course you will… At the beginning of the season, Eli Manning proclaimed he was an elite quarterback and is at the level of a Tom Brady. That being said, which quarterback do you want with the game on the line…Eli Manning or Tom Brady?

Mrs. Sacks: Tom Brady, because he’s hotter.

Johnny Sacks:  Ok…how about the coaches? Who do you think is a better coach, Bill Belichick or Tom Coughlin?

Mrs. Sacks: Belichick… because he wears the cut-off sleeves. He’s always sporting the cut-off sleeve look.  It doesn’t matter what the temperature is. I wonder if he has more than one.

Johnny Sacks: So wearing cut-off sleeves and being attractive somehow correlates to being a better coach or a better quarterback?

Mrs. Sacks: Sure…

Johnny Sacks: Now… If Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is unable to play, how will this alter the Patriots game plan?

Mrs. Sacks: Who’s Rob Gronkowski?

Johnny Sacks: He’s their tight end.

Mrs. Sacks: What’s a tight end?

Johnny Sacks:  It’s kind of like a utility position.  Sometimes they stay back to block and other times they go out for passes.

Mrs. Sacks: I guess it would be bad. Can’t you have someone else fill in for him?

Johnny Sacks: Sure, but he’s the top tight end in football and set a record for touchdown receptions this season.

Mrs. Sacks: Well, I guess that would suck for the Patriots if he didn’t play.

Johnny Sacks: Yes it would. Moving on…The Giants defensive line is one of the strengths of their team.  Do you think they can get to Tom Brady in this game?

Mrs. Sacks: Get to him to do what?

Johnny Sacks: Can they sack him or force him to make to bad throws?

Mrs. Sacks: How would they do that?

Johnny Sacks: By putting pressure on him.

Mrs. Sacks: Sure… I guess.

Johnny Sacks: Ok, this is going nowhere.  Let’s jump to the prediction. Who will cover the spread?  The Patriots are favored by 2 ½ points.

Mrs. Sacks: How does that work again?

Johnny Sacks: The Patriots have to win by more than 2 points to cover the spread, while the Giants have to win the game or lose by 2 or fewer points.

Mrs. Sacks: Hmm…Ok… 27-24, Giants win

There you have it. Take the Giants to cover the spread and beat the Patriots once again.

You get your numbers and hope for the best. Nonetheless, if you know the first thing about football, with a 2-5, you know you’re sort of screwed and are going to be resigned to rooting for safeties, missed extra points and teams going for two in inappropriate situations. So, what if this were a game of skill, and there’s an auction for the numbers. What’s the most valuable box?

There are three factors that matter and can be easily dealt with:

• The historical odds of a team landing on a given score
• The over/under of the current game
• The payout schedule of your bet

For historical scores by quarter, I used the scores provided on some guy’s blog (section Breaking It Down Even More: Quarter by Quarter).

I didn’t want to spend the time pulling the data myself, though would’ve used more than six years had I done so. Addressing the second point, if the average game has an over/under of 45, this six years of data represents an average. With an expected shootout (O/U 55), I tweaked the odds by quarter to make the less likely scores more likely, especially in the later quarters. Here is my new distribution.

This adjustment was sort of crude and next year, I’ll use actual data sorted by expected over under to avoid making these generalizations. Lastly, we need to assume some sort of payout schedule. Let’s say we have $10 boxes and the payouts are $150, $200, $150, $500, rounded to the nearest dollar, here’s what each box is worth:

The unexciting 0 – 0 is the best box! While it’s value from the actual score being 0 – 0 after the first quarter is virtually nil, 10 – 0, 10 – 10, 20 – 10, 20 – 20, and to a lesser degree scores with a 30 in them have decent odds. Enjoy and remember no matter how bad your numbers are, there’s always a chance.

The guest author created The Efficient Drinker. He’d also like to mention that there’s a fourth factor, which adds a level of complexity that makes his brain hurt. Can you guess what it is and why it’s difficult to deal with?

I’m not a big drinker these days but I plan on getting blitzed on Super Bowl Sunday. As a Jets fan, I couldn’t imagine a worse Super Bowl than Patriots vs. Giants. Sure it was great in 2008, when the Giants took down the undefeated Pats. I was right there, rooting for Big Blue. But now I’m just tired of it. I have obnoxious Giants fans gloating to me in one ear and even more obnoxious Patriots fans gloating in the other. I hope to get good and drunk and forget the result of the game.

But enough about me. You came here to find a Super Bowl drinking game. Well, you came to the right place. As always, I must warn you with this disclaimer:

This drinking game is not for the casual drinker. Proceed with caution. Living with Balls is not responsible if you get violently ill from playing this game. Feel free to adjust the rules to your tolerance or just quit playing when you’re good and drunk.

I have set up a game for both beer and shots. You’re welcome to do one or the other, or play both if you’re feeling daring.

BEER

Drink for four seconds every time a team gets a first down

Drink for four seconds every time there is a punt

Every time a team scores, drink two times the amount of points that are scored (i.e for a touchdown drink for 12 seconds, for a field goal drink for 6 seconds)

Drink for five seconds every time there is a turnover

Drink for five seconds every time a penalty is called

Drink for ten seconds every time there is a challenge

Drink an additional ten seconds if a challenge is overturned

Drink for ten seconds if a two-point conversion is attempted

Drink for ten seconds if a two-point conversion is successful

Drink for four seconds every time the camera shows a Manning family member in a suite

Drink for eight seconds if you see Peyton Manning in a commercial

Drink for five seconds if there is a graphic with both Peyton and Eli Manning in it

Drink for two seconds every time Tom Brady completes a pass to a white guy

Drink for four seconds every time there is a Budweiser or Bud Light commercial

Drink for four seconds every time NBC plugs a show

Drink for five seconds for every Godaddy.com commercial

Drink for five seconds anytime BenJarvus Green-Ellis is referred to as “The Law Firm.”

Drink ten seconds for every time Victor Cruz does the salsa dance

Drink ten seconds every time Rob Gronkowski spikes the ball

Drink for four seconds every time the camera shows Eli Manning making a dumb face

Drink for four seconds anytime Tom Coughlin is seen yelling at a referee

Drink for five seconds every time you see a Patriots fan in a Wes Welker jersey

Drink for five seconds every time Cris Collinsworth refers to Jason Pierre-Paul as J.P.P

SHOTS

Take a shot if the national anthem is longer than two minutes

Take a shot if the coin flip is heads

Take a shot the first time the camera shows the famous David Tyree Helmet catch

Take a shot the first time the camera shows the Plaxico Burress game-winning touchdown from Super Bowl XLII

Take a shot if Eli Manning flips a pass to a running back with his left hand to avoid a sack

Take a shot if Bill Belichick is wearing a cut-off hoodie

Take a shot if Madonna opens the halftime show with a song that came out in the 1980s

Take a shot if somehow Vince Wilfork gets an interception

Take an additional shot if his fat ass manages to take that interception into the end zone

Take a shot if Chad Ochocinco gets a reception

Take a shot if the game goes into overtime

Take a shot if Eli Manning lifts the Lombardi trophy

Take a shot if Tom Brady lifts the Lombardi trophy

Take a shot if a non-quarterback is named Super Bowl MVP

The winner of each box pool must take a shot

Take a shot if the Patriots cover the spread

Take a shot if the Giants cover the spread

As if you needed more reason to dislike LeBron and all that he stands for, here is an excerpt from a recent Sports Illustrated article. SI caught up with Walter Iooss Jr., who is perhaps the most accomplished sports photographer of all-time. Iooss dished out some interesting anecdotes about his run-ins with some of sport’s most iconic athletes. Of course, he had great stories about both MJ and LeBron.

The stories below give will further proof that Jordan is awesome and that LeBron is a giant douchebag.

Jordan was my muse. I was lucky, really lucky to have him. I shot him for SI, and we did two books together, Rare Air and Athlete. He was like Elvis Presley: The camera never changed him.
An example: Michael during the 1988 All-Star Game dunk contest. We’re at Chicago Stadium, and Michael’s sitting there 2½ hours before the event. I explain that I shot the contest the year before and learned that if you can’t see a player’s face, the picture is meaningless. So I say, “Is there any way you could tell me where you’re going to take off to dunk?”

I can’t even believe I’ve asked him this question. I’m sure he’s thinking, “Is this guy f—— for real?”

He looks at me and says, “Yeah, I can do that. Before each dunk, I’ll put my finger on my knee.” He puts it on his leg, pointing in one direction.

I ask, “You’re going to remember that?”

He says, “Yeah, you watch.”

First dunk, he points left, so I move to the other side of the basket, from where I can see his face. It’s great. And every dunk is like this. Then we get to the final two, starting with the famous one in which he takes off from the free throw line. For that, I’m right up against the stanchion with a wide-angle lens. Michael comes down and slams it and runs right into my lap. A perfect picture.

The next dunk, I decide I’m staying in the same place. I look down at the other end of the court, and Michael takes his thumb and jabs it: Move a little to your right, Walter. And the resulting picture is the one you see in all the books.

Pretty cool right? Here’s the story about LeBron…

I’ve seen a lot of entourages, but none like his. In July 2010 I got an assignment from Nike to shoot LeBron right after his TV special announcing his move to the Heat. We rented the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena, where the Lakers and the Clippers used to play, and there were 53 people on my crew—including hair and makeup artists, production people, a stylist. I had $10,000 in Hollywood lighting. It was huge. When LeBron arrived, it was as if Nelson Mandela had come in. Six or seven blacked-out Escalades pulled up, a convoy. LeBron had bodyguards and his masseuse. His deejay was already there, blasting. This for a photo shoot that was going to last an hour, tops.

This is how crazy it was: I wasn’t even allowed to talk directly to LeBron. There was a liaison, someone from Amar’e Stoudemire’s family. I would say to him, “O.K., have LeBron drive right,” and then he’d turn to LeBron and say, “LeBron, go right.”

LeBron had guards in the portals on the mezzanine level, talking into their hands. Really, what was going to happen? And then at the end of the shoot they all got in the Escalades. My God, I’ve been around Michael Jordan, but with him nothing even came close to this. Unimaginable.

So, Jordan treats Iooss like a human being and hooks him up with some amazing photographs, while LeBron rolls in with a fleet of Escalades like he’s fucking Barack Obama, and won’t even allow Iooss to speak to him. What a giant asshole. I know these athletes have big egos but even this is a bit much.

Many have wondered why Pujols decided to leave St. Louis, a city where he was adored by baseball-crazy fans.

Well, Pujols’ wife, Diedre Pujols, gave a little insight into Albert’s decision during a recent interview with a St. Louis-area Christian radio station.

“When it all came down, I was mad. I was mad at God because I felt like all the signs that had been being played out through the baseball field, our foundation, our restaurant, the Down Syndrome Center, my relationships, my home, my family close,” Diedre Pujols told the station. “I mean, we had no reason, not one reason, to want to leave. People were deceived by the numbers.”

She indicated the key moment was the Cardinals’ initial offer of five years and $130 million.

“When you have somebody say ‘We want you to be a Cardinal for life’ and only offer you a five-year deal, it kind of confused us,” Diedre Pujols said. “Well, we got over that insult and felt like Albert had given so much of himself to baseball and into the community … we didn’t want to go through this again.”

Apparently the Cardinals “insulting” offer had the poor Mrs. Pujols questioning her faith. How could the Pujols family ever survive this hardship? Only 130 million? How will she feed her family? Why does God do BAD things to GOOD people?? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN DIEDRE PUJOLS, LORD?

And there’s no way she could EVER imagine going through difficult ordeal of having several professional baseball organizations throw millions and millions of dollars at her husband in an effort to convince him to play a game for a living. People with cancer must think they have it made when they hear of the struggles that Mr. and Mrs. Pujols have had to endure through this difficult free agency process.

Please…someone insult me with a $130 million dollar offer to play a game. Shit…for that amount of money, I’ll do a lot less enjoyable jobs than play baseball. I will do unspeakable things for that amount of money.

Diedre Pujols later went on to say this…

“It’s just like God,” she said at the end of the interview, “to put us on a team called the Angels.”

OHHH PLEEEEASE!!!…Even Tim Tebow thinks this statement is ridiculous. I find it highly unlikely that God used his divine intervention to put the Angels in a better position to win the pennant. Those types of stories only happen in the movies (and Denver Broncos games)…and they already made that film. Perhaps this will be the sequel to Angels in the Outfield. We’ll call it Angels at the Bargaining Table.

A few years ago, Benson was insanely hot (see picture to the left). So when I heard she was going to be on this show, it peaked my interest, albeit momentarily. Unfortunately, I was stunned to see the way she looks now…

Apparently, just like her husband’s pitching career, she peaked many years ago and is WELL past her prime. The other wives aren’t much better. They all look like they are strung out on crack or have an eating disorder (Anna Benson has the opposite problem). You would think professional baseball players would be able to pull better pieces of ass. I made it through about ten minutes of this show and turned it off.

The 2011 season is no different. Below you will find a list of players who are currently the most hated men in fantasy football.

I prepared a similar list in 2009, but many of those players have become largely irrelevant. Predictably their shitty play in the fantasy world correlated with their shitty play in real life and now most of them are out of football. Before I get to the current list, let’s recap where the players from my 2009 list stand now.

Larry Johnson-Signed by the Dolphins in the off-season. Cut by the Dolphins. Signed again by the Dolphins. Cut again by the Dolphins.

Brian Westbrook- Also tried out with Miami. Not currently on a roster.

Brett Favre-Retired…finally.

Lendale White-cut by the Broncos during training camp. Can likely be found at a local fast food joint.

Anyone on the Raiders- The Raiders are actually pretty good now and they have one of the best RBs in football on their team.

Lee Evans- We’ll get to him.

A lot has changed since then, so let’s get to the current list. Now that we are deep into the 2011 season, the fantasy busts have been clearly established. Let’s take a look at the new members of the Most Hated Men in Fantasy Football.

Peyton Hillis, RB- Cleveland Browns
Hillis has descended from one the most beloved fantasy players last year to one of the most hated in 2011. In 2010, he went from the waiver wire to the cover of Madden, carrying fantasy teams who had the foresight to pick him up a few weeks into the season.

Hillis was a beast, securing a starting role a couple weeks in, rushing 270 times for 1177 yards and 11 TDs. His hard-nosed running and his white skin made him popular across the country. Because of this, he was drafted in the second or third round in most leagues this season, despite warning signs that he wore down due the heavy workload the previous season. The beating he took in 2010 has caught up to him in 2011.

Hillis was a late scratch in week three because of strep throat, of all things, and he was injured early in a week six game. In the games he has actually played, he hasn’t done much.

What football player misses a game because of strep throat? I could see a baseball player pussying out for something like that, but a football player? If Tony Romo can play with broken ribs, then Hillis can certainly take a few NyQuils and play through a minor illness.

Mike Shanahan/ Bill Belichick
These two coaches certainly know a lot about football (they’ve won five Super Bowls between them) but when it comes to the world of fantasy football, these two names are cursed at as much as any player is. These guys have been fucking up fantasy rosters for ages and probably should have been on the original list as well.

The reason is the same for both coaches: They never stick with one running back. Trying to predict which back on their roster will have the best game is harder than trying to predict oil futures.

Let’s take a look at an example shall we? The list below shows the player on the New England Patriots who had the most yards in 2011 from Week 1-Week 8.

Week 1: Danny Woodhead (69 Yards)
Week 2: Benjarvus Green-Ellis (70 yards)
Week 3: Stevan Ridley (42 yards)
Week 4: Stevan Ridley (97 yards)
Week 5: Benjarvus Green-Ellis (136 Yards)
Week 6: Benjarvus Green-Ellis (58 yards)
Week 7: Bye
Week 8: Kevin Faulk (32 Yards)

Good luck trying to predict which Patriot running back to start each week. If you roll the dice with a Patriot back, eventually you will crap out. Hence what happened to LWB podcast contributor Deuce McGee when he faced me in the finals of my league championship in 2009. To make a long story short (because no one likes hearing stories about other people’s fantasy teams), he started Laurence Maroney in the finals. Maroney fumbled on his first carry and never came back in the game. I won the title by one point.

Shanahan, who has a history of shuffling running backs in and out from his days with the Broncos, has continued this trend with the Skins.

Things started off smoothly in 2011 as Tim Hightower established himself as a feature back in the first three weeks, having a solid game each time. But Shanahan returned to form in Week 4 when Hightower got banged up. Ryan Torain came up with a big game that day, rushing for 135 yards, immediately becoming the hottest waiver wire pick-up that week. Torain followed that up with 22 yards the following game and -5 yards the week after. Now Hightower is out for the year and Roy Helu and Tashard Choice are also in the mix. So there’s no telling what Shanahan will do with his backfield.

If you have a New England or Washington running back, I do not feel bad for you. It’s not like both these coaches just started doing this. You should have avoided these backs like the plague on draft day.

Ryan Grant- RB Green Bay Packers
You would think a guy who “starts” at running back for the most explosive offensive team in football would at least be a decent play most weeks. That’s not the case with Ryan Grant.

I can admit I’m one of the idiots who drafted him in the 5th round thinking he would be a steal, only to realize about an hour into the NFL season that this was a terrible pick. I realize he’s been splitting with carries with James Starks, but nevertheless, he’s on the Green Bay Packers…They score like 80 points a game! Certainly you can get me more than two fantasy points each week! FUCK YOU Ryan Grant!!  I drafted him in every league I’m in, so as you can see, I get a little worked up when I talk about him.

Lee Evans-WR-Baltimore Ravens
Evans, perhaps the most hated fantasy player of all time, still graces the list in 2011. The reasons have not changed. Here’s what I wrote two years ago…

“Every year, Yahoo! has him listed way too high in the rankings and the poor guy in your league who is on auto-draft wastes a sixth round pick on him. Lee Evans is notorious for getting shutout for weeks at a time, only to catch three touchdown passes on the week you benched him.”

True to form, the #2 receiver on the Ravens depth chart had zero catches in the week 1 opener. He had a relatively quiet week 2 and hasn’t played since because of injury, which is probably for the best because most people have probably dropped him by now. He hasn’t had that big game yet but I guarantee you it will happen once he returns. Do not be fooled! As soon as you pick him up and insert him into your starting lineup, he will put up a big fat zero.

Marshawn Lynch-RB-Seattle Seahawks
Marshawn Lynch has been a pretty awful running back the past few years but because of that one ridiculous run he had in the playoffs last year, Lynch was drafted way too high.

This season, Lynch has had one or two decent games mixed in with a bunch of stinkers. These two good games have kept him on fantasy rosters much longer than he should have been. The highlight of his miserable season came in week 7 when he was scratched just minutes before kickoff because of back tightness, giving fantasy owners zero points during a tough bye week, in which many people had no choice but to play him. In week 8, he somehow managed to score just 6.4 points (24 yards rushing and a fumble) despite having a touchdown in that game. It’s pretty hard to get that few points when you have a TD.

Touchdown Vultures
In fantasy football there is probably no one hated more than the Touchdown Vulture (except for maybe the last person on this list). The touchdown vulture is typically a big back that gets put in the game only in goal line situations, taking the touchdown away from the smaller, more elusive back who did all the work to get there.

Touchdown Vultures can frustrate both the owner of the other RB and the owner of the TD Vulture. The owner of the other RB…let’s call him Ryan Mathews…gets pissed because his player racks up the yardage, only to see Mike Tolbert plunge in from one yard out. (This exact scenario was recently played out in a hilarious episode of The League)

Owners of the TD Vulture…let’s say his name is Brandon Jacobs… don’t feel great either because if the TD Vulture doesn’t get in the end zone, he’s essentially useless.

Chris Johnson- RB Tennessee Titans
Perhaps no player in the history of fantasy football has been a bigger bust than Chris Johnson has been in 2011. The past few years, he has been a monster, breaking off big runs routinely, leading many fantasy owners to championships. But this year, Johnson, who was likely drafted in the top 5, has been absolutely abysmal.

Just like Hillis, Johnson has fallen out of favor fast. His performance is especially puzzling because he appears to be healthy.

Johnson would have been better off tearing his ACL in week 2, like first-rounder Jamaal Charles did. At least then you could drop him and move on. Johnson owners have been paralyzed by CJ2K. They can’t bench him because they fear the week he is benched will be the week he goes off for a big game. They can’t trade him because no one will give fair value for him. So he just stays in the starting lineup, killing your team worse than Adam Dunn did in fantasy baseball this season (ok, maybe it’s not that bad).

Who is the most hated man on your fantasy football team? Let your frustrations out in the comment section.  Leave a message for the player on your team you hate the most.