Actual wife not pictured

It’s Super Bowl week—which for many men is the most important gambling day of the year. The one question on gamblers’ minds everywhere is not who will win the game, but which team will cover the spread.

Last year, not knowing whom to pick, I consulted with my wife, who knows next to nothing about football, with the hopes she would be my good-luck charm.  Amazingly, not only did she accurately predict that the Packers would cover the spread but she nearly got the score of the game right.

So I decided to consult her once again in hopes that she could pick me another winner. Here’s how our conversation went…

Johnny Sacks: As a Jets fan, I’ve forced you sit through a number of Patriots games over the years, so you probably know slightly more about them than you do about other teams— which would ordinarily be nothing.  Give me your impressions about the Patriots.

Mrs. Sacks: They have a hot quarterback.  They also have nice colors. I like their red throwback jerseys.  I hope they wear them on Sunday.

Johnny Sacks: I actually kind of like those uniforms too.  Too bad I loath the Patriots with every fiber of my being…You’ve recently become a citizen of New York state.  Does this mean you will you be pulling for the Giants?

Mrs. Sacks:  No. I don’t care who wins.  I will be watching the Puppy Bowl with the kitty halftime show

Johnny Sacks: Of course you will… At the beginning of the season, Eli Manning proclaimed he was an elite quarterback and is at the level of a Tom Brady. That being said, which quarterback do you want with the game on the line…Eli Manning or Tom Brady?

Mrs. Sacks: Tom Brady, because he’s hotter.

Johnny Sacks:  Ok…how about the coaches? Who do you think is a better coach, Bill Belichick or Tom Coughlin?

Mrs. Sacks: Belichick… because he wears the cut-off sleeves. He’s always sporting the cut-off sleeve look.  It doesn’t matter what the temperature is. I wonder if he has more than one.

Johnny Sacks: So wearing cut-off sleeves and being attractive somehow correlates to being a better coach or a better quarterback?

Mrs. Sacks: Sure…

Johnny Sacks: Now… If Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is unable to play, how will this alter the Patriots game plan?

Mrs. Sacks: Who’s Rob Gronkowski?

Johnny Sacks: He’s their tight end.

Mrs. Sacks: What’s a tight end?

Johnny Sacks:  It’s kind of like a utility position.  Sometimes they stay back to block and other times they go out for passes.

Mrs. Sacks: I guess it would be bad. Can’t you have someone else fill in for him?

Johnny Sacks: Sure, but he’s the top tight end in football and set a record for touchdown receptions this season.

Mrs. Sacks: Well, I guess that would suck for the Patriots if he didn’t play.

Johnny Sacks: Yes it would. Moving on…The Giants defensive line is one of the strengths of their team.  Do you think they can get to Tom Brady in this game?

Mrs. Sacks: Get to him to do what?

Johnny Sacks: Can they sack him or force him to make to bad throws?

Mrs. Sacks: How would they do that?

Johnny Sacks: By putting pressure on him.

Mrs. Sacks: Sure… I guess.

Johnny Sacks: Ok, this is going nowhere.  Let’s jump to the prediction. Who will cover the spread?  The Patriots are favored by 2 ½ points.

Mrs. Sacks: How does that work again?

Johnny Sacks: The Patriots have to win by more than 2 points to cover the spread, while the Giants have to win the game or lose by 2 or fewer points.

Mrs. Sacks: Hmm…Ok… 27-24, Giants win

There you have it. Take the Giants to cover the spread and beat the Patriots once again.

You get your numbers and hope for the best. Nonetheless, if you know the first thing about football, with a 2-5, you know you’re sort of screwed and are going to be resigned to rooting for safeties, missed extra points and teams going for two in inappropriate situations. So, what if this were a game of skill, and there’s an auction for the numbers. What’s the most valuable box?

There are three factors that matter and can be easily dealt with:

• The historical odds of a team landing on a given score
• The over/under of the current game
• The payout schedule of your bet

For historical scores by quarter, I used the scores provided on some guy’s blog (section Breaking It Down Even More: Quarter by Quarter).

I didn’t want to spend the time pulling the data myself, though would’ve used more than six years had I done so. Addressing the second point, if the average game has an over/under of 45, this six years of data represents an average. With an expected shootout (O/U 55), I tweaked the odds by quarter to make the less likely scores more likely, especially in the later quarters. Here is my new distribution.

This adjustment was sort of crude and next year, I’ll use actual data sorted by expected over under to avoid making these generalizations. Lastly, we need to assume some sort of payout schedule. Let’s say we have $10 boxes and the payouts are $150, $200, $150, $500, rounded to the nearest dollar, here’s what each box is worth:

The unexciting 0 – 0 is the best box! While it’s value from the actual score being 0 – 0 after the first quarter is virtually nil, 10 – 0, 10 – 10, 20 – 10, 20 – 20, and to a lesser degree scores with a 30 in them have decent odds. Enjoy and remember no matter how bad your numbers are, there’s always a chance.

The guest author created The Efficient Drinker. He’d also like to mention that there’s a fourth factor, which adds a level of complexity that makes his brain hurt. Can you guess what it is and why it’s difficult to deal with?

I’m not a big drinker these days but I plan on getting blitzed on Super Bowl Sunday. As a Jets fan, I couldn’t imagine a worse Super Bowl than Patriots vs. Giants. Sure it was great in 2008, when the Giants took down the undefeated Pats. I was right there, rooting for Big Blue. But now I’m just tired of it. I have obnoxious Giants fans gloating to me in one ear and even more obnoxious Patriots fans gloating in the other. I hope to get good and drunk and forget the result of the game.

But enough about me. You came here to find a Super Bowl drinking game. Well, you came to the right place. As always, I must warn you with this disclaimer:

This drinking game is not for the casual drinker. Proceed with caution. Living with Balls is not responsible if you get violently ill from playing this game. Feel free to adjust the rules to your tolerance or just quit playing when you’re good and drunk.

I have set up a game for both beer and shots. You’re welcome to do one or the other, or play both if you’re feeling daring.

BEER

Drink for four seconds every time a team gets a first down

Drink for four seconds every time there is a punt

Every time a team scores, drink two times the amount of points that are scored (i.e for a touchdown drink for 12 seconds, for a field goal drink for 6 seconds)

Drink for five seconds every time there is a turnover

Drink for five seconds every time a penalty is called

Drink for ten seconds every time there is a challenge

Drink an additional ten seconds if a challenge is overturned

Drink for ten seconds if a two-point conversion is attempted

Drink for ten seconds if a two-point conversion is successful

Drink for four seconds every time the camera shows a Manning family member in a suite

Drink for eight seconds if you see Peyton Manning in a commercial

Drink for five seconds if there is a graphic with both Peyton and Eli Manning in it

Drink for two seconds every time Tom Brady completes a pass to a white guy

Drink for four seconds every time there is a Budweiser or Bud Light commercial

Drink for four seconds every time NBC plugs a show

Drink for five seconds for every Godaddy.com commercial

Drink for five seconds anytime BenJarvus Green-Ellis is referred to as “The Law Firm.”

Drink ten seconds for every time Victor Cruz does the salsa dance

Drink ten seconds every time Rob Gronkowski spikes the ball

Drink for four seconds every time the camera shows Eli Manning making a dumb face

Drink for four seconds anytime Tom Coughlin is seen yelling at a referee

Drink for five seconds every time you see a Patriots fan in a Wes Welker jersey

Drink for five seconds every time Cris Collinsworth refers to Jason Pierre-Paul as J.P.P

SHOTS

Take a shot if the national anthem is longer than two minutes

Take a shot if the coin flip is heads

Take a shot the first time the camera shows the famous David Tyree Helmet catch

Take a shot the first time the camera shows the Plaxico Burress game-winning touchdown from Super Bowl XLII

Take a shot if Eli Manning flips a pass to a running back with his left hand to avoid a sack

Take a shot if Bill Belichick is wearing a cut-off hoodie

Take a shot if Madonna opens the halftime show with a song that came out in the 1980s

Take a shot if somehow Vince Wilfork gets an interception

Take an additional shot if his fat ass manages to take that interception into the end zone

Take a shot if Chad Ochocinco gets a reception

Take a shot if the game goes into overtime

Take a shot if Eli Manning lifts the Lombardi trophy

Take a shot if Tom Brady lifts the Lombardi trophy

Take a shot if a non-quarterback is named Super Bowl MVP

The winner of each box pool must take a shot

Take a shot if the Patriots cover the spread

Take a shot if the Giants cover the spread

As if you needed more reason to dislike LeBron and all that he stands for, here is an excerpt from a recent Sports Illustrated article. SI caught up with Walter Iooss Jr., who is perhaps the most accomplished sports photographer of all-time. Iooss dished out some interesting anecdotes about his run-ins with some of sport’s most iconic athletes. Of course, he had great stories about both MJ and LeBron.

The stories below give will further proof that Jordan is awesome and that LeBron is a giant douchebag.

Jordan was my muse. I was lucky, really lucky to have him. I shot him for SI, and we did two books together, Rare Air and Athlete. He was like Elvis Presley: The camera never changed him.
An example: Michael during the 1988 All-Star Game dunk contest. We’re at Chicago Stadium, and Michael’s sitting there 2½ hours before the event. I explain that I shot the contest the year before and learned that if you can’t see a player’s face, the picture is meaningless. So I say, “Is there any way you could tell me where you’re going to take off to dunk?”

I can’t even believe I’ve asked him this question. I’m sure he’s thinking, “Is this guy f—— for real?”

He looks at me and says, “Yeah, I can do that. Before each dunk, I’ll put my finger on my knee.” He puts it on his leg, pointing in one direction.

I ask, “You’re going to remember that?”

He says, “Yeah, you watch.”

First dunk, he points left, so I move to the other side of the basket, from where I can see his face. It’s great. And every dunk is like this. Then we get to the final two, starting with the famous one in which he takes off from the free throw line. For that, I’m right up against the stanchion with a wide-angle lens. Michael comes down and slams it and runs right into my lap. A perfect picture.

The next dunk, I decide I’m staying in the same place. I look down at the other end of the court, and Michael takes his thumb and jabs it: Move a little to your right, Walter. And the resulting picture is the one you see in all the books.

Pretty cool right? Here’s the story about LeBron…

I’ve seen a lot of entourages, but none like his. In July 2010 I got an assignment from Nike to shoot LeBron right after his TV special announcing his move to the Heat. We rented the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena, where the Lakers and the Clippers used to play, and there were 53 people on my crew—including hair and makeup artists, production people, a stylist. I had $10,000 in Hollywood lighting. It was huge. When LeBron arrived, it was as if Nelson Mandela had come in. Six or seven blacked-out Escalades pulled up, a convoy. LeBron had bodyguards and his masseuse. His deejay was already there, blasting. This for a photo shoot that was going to last an hour, tops.

This is how crazy it was: I wasn’t even allowed to talk directly to LeBron. There was a liaison, someone from Amar’e Stoudemire’s family. I would say to him, “O.K., have LeBron drive right,” and then he’d turn to LeBron and say, “LeBron, go right.”

LeBron had guards in the portals on the mezzanine level, talking into their hands. Really, what was going to happen? And then at the end of the shoot they all got in the Escalades. My God, I’ve been around Michael Jordan, but with him nothing even came close to this. Unimaginable.

So, Jordan treats Iooss like a human being and hooks him up with some amazing photographs, while LeBron rolls in with a fleet of Escalades like he’s fucking Barack Obama, and won’t even allow Iooss to speak to him. What a giant asshole. I know these athletes have big egos but even this is a bit much.

Many have wondered why Pujols decided to leave St. Louis, a city where he was adored by baseball-crazy fans.

Well, Pujols’ wife, Diedre Pujols, gave a little insight into Albert’s decision during a recent interview with a St. Louis-area Christian radio station.

“When it all came down, I was mad. I was mad at God because I felt like all the signs that had been being played out through the baseball field, our foundation, our restaurant, the Down Syndrome Center, my relationships, my home, my family close,” Diedre Pujols told the station. “I mean, we had no reason, not one reason, to want to leave. People were deceived by the numbers.”

She indicated the key moment was the Cardinals’ initial offer of five years and $130 million.

“When you have somebody say ‘We want you to be a Cardinal for life’ and only offer you a five-year deal, it kind of confused us,” Diedre Pujols said. “Well, we got over that insult and felt like Albert had given so much of himself to baseball and into the community … we didn’t want to go through this again.”

Apparently the Cardinals “insulting” offer had the poor Mrs. Pujols questioning her faith. How could the Pujols family ever survive this hardship? Only 130 million? How will she feed her family? Why does God do BAD things to GOOD people?? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN DIEDRE PUJOLS, LORD?

And there’s no way she could EVER imagine going through difficult ordeal of having several professional baseball organizations throw millions and millions of dollars at her husband in an effort to convince him to play a game for a living. People with cancer must think they have it made when they hear of the struggles that Mr. and Mrs. Pujols have had to endure through this difficult free agency process.

Please…someone insult me with a $130 million dollar offer to play a game. Shit…for that amount of money, I’ll do a lot less enjoyable jobs than play baseball. I will do unspeakable things for that amount of money.

Diedre Pujols later went on to say this…

“It’s just like God,” she said at the end of the interview, “to put us on a team called the Angels.”

OHHH PLEEEEASE!!!…Even Tim Tebow thinks this statement is ridiculous. I find it highly unlikely that God used his divine intervention to put the Angels in a better position to win the pennant. Those types of stories only happen in the movies (and Denver Broncos games)…and they already made that film. Perhaps this will be the sequel to Angels in the Outfield. We’ll call it Angels at the Bargaining Table.

A few years ago, Benson was insanely hot (see picture to the left). So when I heard she was going to be on this show, it peaked my interest, albeit momentarily. Unfortunately, I was stunned to see the way she looks now…

Apparently, just like her husband’s pitching career, she peaked many years ago and is WELL past her prime. The other wives aren’t much better. They all look like they are strung out on crack or have an eating disorder (Anna Benson has the opposite problem). You would think professional baseball players would be able to pull better pieces of ass. I made it through about ten minutes of this show and turned it off.

The 2011 season is no different. Below you will find a list of players who are currently the most hated men in fantasy football.

I prepared a similar list in 2009, but many of those players have become largely irrelevant. Predictably their shitty play in the fantasy world correlated with their shitty play in real life and now most of them are out of football. Before I get to the current list, let’s recap where the players from my 2009 list stand now.

Larry Johnson-Signed by the Dolphins in the off-season. Cut by the Dolphins. Signed again by the Dolphins. Cut again by the Dolphins.

Brian Westbrook- Also tried out with Miami. Not currently on a roster.

Brett Favre-Retired…finally.

Lendale White-cut by the Broncos during training camp. Can likely be found at a local fast food joint.

Anyone on the Raiders- The Raiders are actually pretty good now and they have one of the best RBs in football on their team.

Lee Evans- We’ll get to him.

A lot has changed since then, so let’s get to the current list. Now that we are deep into the 2011 season, the fantasy busts have been clearly established. Let’s take a look at the new members of the Most Hated Men in Fantasy Football.

Peyton Hillis, RB- Cleveland Browns
Hillis has descended from one the most beloved fantasy players last year to one of the most hated in 2011. In 2010, he went from the waiver wire to the cover of Madden, carrying fantasy teams who had the foresight to pick him up a few weeks into the season.

Hillis was a beast, securing a starting role a couple weeks in, rushing 270 times for 1177 yards and 11 TDs. His hard-nosed running and his white skin made him popular across the country. Because of this, he was drafted in the second or third round in most leagues this season, despite warning signs that he wore down due the heavy workload the previous season. The beating he took in 2010 has caught up to him in 2011.

Hillis was a late scratch in week three because of strep throat, of all things, and he was injured early in a week six game. In the games he has actually played, he hasn’t done much.

What football player misses a game because of strep throat? I could see a baseball player pussying out for something like that, but a football player? If Tony Romo can play with broken ribs, then Hillis can certainly take a few NyQuils and play through a minor illness.

Mike Shanahan/ Bill Belichick
These two coaches certainly know a lot about football (they’ve won five Super Bowls between them) but when it comes to the world of fantasy football, these two names are cursed at as much as any player is. These guys have been fucking up fantasy rosters for ages and probably should have been on the original list as well.

The reason is the same for both coaches: They never stick with one running back. Trying to predict which back on their roster will have the best game is harder than trying to predict oil futures.

Let’s take a look at an example shall we? The list below shows the player on the New England Patriots who had the most yards in 2011 from Week 1-Week 8.

Week 1: Danny Woodhead (69 Yards)
Week 2: Benjarvus Green-Ellis (70 yards)
Week 3: Stevan Ridley (42 yards)
Week 4: Stevan Ridley (97 yards)
Week 5: Benjarvus Green-Ellis (136 Yards)
Week 6: Benjarvus Green-Ellis (58 yards)
Week 7: Bye
Week 8: Kevin Faulk (32 Yards)

Good luck trying to predict which Patriot running back to start each week. If you roll the dice with a Patriot back, eventually you will crap out. Hence what happened to LWB podcast contributor Deuce McGee when he faced me in the finals of my league championship in 2009. To make a long story short (because no one likes hearing stories about other people’s fantasy teams), he started Laurence Maroney in the finals. Maroney fumbled on his first carry and never came back in the game. I won the title by one point.

Shanahan, who has a history of shuffling running backs in and out from his days with the Broncos, has continued this trend with the Skins.

Things started off smoothly in 2011 as Tim Hightower established himself as a feature back in the first three weeks, having a solid game each time. But Shanahan returned to form in Week 4 when Hightower got banged up. Ryan Torain came up with a big game that day, rushing for 135 yards, immediately becoming the hottest waiver wire pick-up that week. Torain followed that up with 22 yards the following game and -5 yards the week after. Now Hightower is out for the year and Roy Helu and Tashard Choice are also in the mix. So there’s no telling what Shanahan will do with his backfield.

If you have a New England or Washington running back, I do not feel bad for you. It’s not like both these coaches just started doing this. You should have avoided these backs like the plague on draft day.

Ryan Grant- RB Green Bay Packers
You would think a guy who “starts” at running back for the most explosive offensive team in football would at least be a decent play most weeks. That’s not the case with Ryan Grant.

I can admit I’m one of the idiots who drafted him in the 5th round thinking he would be a steal, only to realize about an hour into the NFL season that this was a terrible pick. I realize he’s been splitting with carries with James Starks, but nevertheless, he’s on the Green Bay Packers…They score like 80 points a game! Certainly you can get me more than two fantasy points each week! FUCK YOU Ryan Grant!!  I drafted him in every league I’m in, so as you can see, I get a little worked up when I talk about him.

Lee Evans-WR-Baltimore Ravens
Evans, perhaps the most hated fantasy player of all time, still graces the list in 2011. The reasons have not changed. Here’s what I wrote two years ago…

“Every year, Yahoo! has him listed way too high in the rankings and the poor guy in your league who is on auto-draft wastes a sixth round pick on him. Lee Evans is notorious for getting shutout for weeks at a time, only to catch three touchdown passes on the week you benched him.”

True to form, the #2 receiver on the Ravens depth chart had zero catches in the week 1 opener. He had a relatively quiet week 2 and hasn’t played since because of injury, which is probably for the best because most people have probably dropped him by now. He hasn’t had that big game yet but I guarantee you it will happen once he returns. Do not be fooled! As soon as you pick him up and insert him into your starting lineup, he will put up a big fat zero.

Marshawn Lynch-RB-Seattle Seahawks
Marshawn Lynch has been a pretty awful running back the past few years but because of that one ridiculous run he had in the playoffs last year, Lynch was drafted way too high.

This season, Lynch has had one or two decent games mixed in with a bunch of stinkers. These two good games have kept him on fantasy rosters much longer than he should have been. The highlight of his miserable season came in week 7 when he was scratched just minutes before kickoff because of back tightness, giving fantasy owners zero points during a tough bye week, in which many people had no choice but to play him. In week 8, he somehow managed to score just 6.4 points (24 yards rushing and a fumble) despite having a touchdown in that game. It’s pretty hard to get that few points when you have a TD.

Touchdown Vultures
In fantasy football there is probably no one hated more than the Touchdown Vulture (except for maybe the last person on this list). The touchdown vulture is typically a big back that gets put in the game only in goal line situations, taking the touchdown away from the smaller, more elusive back who did all the work to get there.

Touchdown Vultures can frustrate both the owner of the other RB and the owner of the TD Vulture. The owner of the other RB…let’s call him Ryan Mathews…gets pissed because his player racks up the yardage, only to see Mike Tolbert plunge in from one yard out. (This exact scenario was recently played out in a hilarious episode of The League)

Owners of the TD Vulture…let’s say his name is Brandon Jacobs… don’t feel great either because if the TD Vulture doesn’t get in the end zone, he’s essentially useless.

Chris Johnson- RB Tennessee Titans
Perhaps no player in the history of fantasy football has been a bigger bust than Chris Johnson has been in 2011. The past few years, he has been a monster, breaking off big runs routinely, leading many fantasy owners to championships. But this year, Johnson, who was likely drafted in the top 5, has been absolutely abysmal.

Just like Hillis, Johnson has fallen out of favor fast. His performance is especially puzzling because he appears to be healthy.

Johnson would have been better off tearing his ACL in week 2, like first-rounder Jamaal Charles did. At least then you could drop him and move on. Johnson owners have been paralyzed by CJ2K. They can’t bench him because they fear the week he is benched will be the week he goes off for a big game. They can’t trade him because no one will give fair value for him. So he just stays in the starting lineup, killing your team worse than Adam Dunn did in fantasy baseball this season (ok, maybe it’s not that bad).

Who is the most hated man on your fantasy football team? Let your frustrations out in the comment section.  Leave a message for the player on your team you hate the most. 

It’s time to neglect your responsibilities and ignore your girlfriend because you have a lot of TV watching to do. With college football on Saturdays, NFL football on Sundays and the MLB playoffs just about every day, there isn’t much time for anything else.

When it comes to sports, there is really no other month that compares. For instance, as I publish this today, there are 3 MLB playoff games and an entire slate of NFL games. With football and baseball being my two favorite sports, I have some tough decisions to make. I literally need about 4 televisions in my living room. It’s fantastic. Since football and baseball are also our country’s two most popular sports, it’s likely you feel the same way.

Some may claim March is the best sports month. But outside of March Madness, there really isn’t much going on. And really, March Madness is only exciting during the opening weekend. After that, your bracket is totally fucked and you lose interest.

Others may claim that February is the top sports month. I don’t see how that’s possible. Sure you have the biggest game of the year in February. Super Bowl betting is always fun. Yet after that first weekend, you have a pretty quiet month.

One could also make an argument for June. The NHL and NBA finals are going on, while baseball is in full swing. That might be the best argument, but it’s hard to make that case when the NFL, our country’s most popular league, is in the offseason.

That’s why I say we are in the midst of the best sports time of the year. So enjoy it! If you disagree, leave a comment and tell me what month you think is better and why.

ESPN and the Wall Street Journal have made a case for paying college athletes and most recently, Taylor Branch, a Pulitzer Prize-winning writer joined in on the fun with an insanely long article in the Atlantic. He gives plenty of reasons why college athletes should be paid to play—even comparing student-athletes to slaves—but fails to outline any sort of plan to pull this off. Here’s the main point of his argument…

For all the outrage, the real scandal is not that students are getting illegally paid or recruited, it’s that two of the noble principles on which the NCAA justifies its existence—“amateurism” and the “student-athlete”—are cynical hoaxes, legalistic confections propagated by the universities so they can exploit the skills and fame of young athletes. The tragedy at the heart of college sports is not that some college athletes are getting paid, but that more of them are not.

The basis for many people’s argument, including Branch’s, is that these college athletes are poor and this is why they resort to taking improper benefits. Since the NCAA and big-time Division I schools are profiting from these athletes, aren’t the students entitled to get a piece of the revenue pie?

Can we PLEEEAASE STOP with this argument!? This will NEVER, EVER happen, so we need to put this argument to bed. I don’t like to give out too much personal information about myself, but lets just say that my job requires me to know a lot about college athletics. So I know a little bit about the subject.  The notion that student-athletes should get paid is silly for a couple reasons.

WHY REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR? STUDENTS ALREADY BENEFIT IN THE CURRENT SYSTEM
Suggesting we pay college athletes as a solution to keep them from breaking NCAA rules is like giving a whining child in a supermarket candy just so the kid will shut the fuck up.  As a more extreme example, it’s like deciding to make cocaine legal because too many people have been killed trying to smuggle it.  Why should we solve a problem of bad behavior by handing out rewards?

Later in the article, Branch cites a University of North Carolina trustee who claims this…

Don Curtis, a UNC trustee, told me that impoverished football players cannot afford movie tickets or bus fare home. Curtis is a rarity among those in higher education today, in that he dares to violate the signal taboo: “I think we should pay these guys something.

WAAAAHH!! …The UNC football players couldn’t go to the movies!… BOO.FUCKING. HOO! They don’t have money just like EVERY OTHER FUCKING COLLEGE STUDENT IN AMERICA!

HELLOOO! These kids are in college! They’re supposed to be poor! The whole reason people go to college is so that they can one day not be poor. Branch’s argument is complete bullshit.

Here’s some advice to those deprived college athletes: Get a work-study job on campus or a summer job like everyone else. Those jobs are a piece of cake most of the time and if you’re a big athlete on campus, you can probably get away with not going anyway (or a student could go to SMC review and start a side business for extra cash).

The majority of Division I athletes are getting full rides to go to college. If you consider that many private schools will cost over $30k per year, or $120k for four years, I’d say that’s a pretty good deal. Most of those athletes are not going to become professional athletes, so I’d say a free education that will set up a student-athlete for the future is still a pretty good deal.

For the few college athletes who do become pro, the college level will give a student the opportunity to showcase his skills to professional teams, which in time will make those select people rich beyond their wildest dreams. Either way, it’s a win for a student-athlete.

PAYING STUDENT-ATHLETES WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO PULL OFF

OK. Let’s just say that the NCAA decided these students do indeed deserve to be paid. Could it be done? The answer is definitively NO.

The only sports that have any chance to make money in college athletics are football and basketball and that’s only for Division I sports. There are over 1,200 NCAA member schools, spanning all three divisions and the vast majority of those are squeaking by on student activity fees and fundraising efforts.

But for argument’s sake, let’s focus on Division I schools. Since Division I schools are required to have at least 14 sponsored sports, (thought most have many more) the schools typically have to use the money made from football and basketball to fund all the other programs. That revenue goes to fund sports that most people don’t give a shit about such as cross-country, swimming or field hockey.

So when the University of Michigan packs out its 100,000+ seat football stadium, while it plays on NBC against Notre Dame, it takes some of the revenue from that game so its women’s golf team can play in a tournament in Puerto Rico.

But this isn’t even the case for all Division I schools. In fact, most Division I schools lose money. According to a November 2010 article in Sports Illustrated, of the schools that play Division I-A football, 106 lost money in 2009!

Well, what about the school’s that make those big time BCS Bowl Games with huge sponsors that are shelling out millions of dollars? Surely a team that qualified for a BCS Bowl Game would bring in big money each year right? Wrong—the exact opposite is true. Here’s another excerpt from the SI article…

Very few bowls do, in fact, sell out. Aware of this, their directors require a ticket commitment, which obligates the purchase of thousands of tickets at face value. Schools must then resell those tickets or risk losses that can run into seven figures. Before Internet ticket sites democratized the market, the deal made sense to the participating schools. Now, for all but the biggest games, fans can avoid paying full price—as they must when they go through the school’s ticket office. Tickets to the 2009 Music City Bowl were available on StubHub for 19 cents.

Ohio State earned $18.5 million for making it to the Rose Bowl in January 2010. That’s a serious boost to any team’s bottom line. So it would have been, if the Buckeyes actually got to keep the money, which they did not. The $18.5 million went to the Big Ten, where it was added to a pool of bowl revenue that was then sliced into 12 shares—one for each team, one for the league office. That still left Ohio State with a tidy $2.2 million to spend, which the Buckeyes did. Ohio State’s team travel costs were $352,727. Unsold tickets ran the school a cool $144,710. The bill to transport, feed and lodge the band and cheerleaders came to $366,814. Throw in entertainment, gifts and sundry other expenses, and the Buckeyes lost $79,597.

So as you can see, college athletic programs are in no position to pay players money. Even some of the biggest programs are barely getting by as it is. Paying top athletes a salary would cripple athletic programs and force many schools to eliminate some of its sports altogether—and that would be the real travesty.