A few years ago, Benson was insanely hot (see picture to the left). So when I heard she was going to be on this show, it peaked my interest, albeit momentarily. Unfortunately, I was stunned to see the way she looks now…

Apparently, just like her husband’s pitching career, she peaked many years ago and is WELL past her prime. The other wives aren’t much better. They all look like they are strung out on crack or have an eating disorder (Anna Benson has the opposite problem). You would think professional baseball players would be able to pull better pieces of ass. I made it through about ten minutes of this show and turned it off.

Today’s commercial comes from Great Neck Nissan.

Joe Valentino, the owner of Great Neck Nissan, is really excited to tell people how they can get FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS CASH if customers find a better deal.  In fact, he’s so excited that he’s going to continue to scream about it throughout the duration of this commercial.

Like a Black Eyed Peas song, this commercial will stick in your brain for hours to come.  His voice, if played continuously, would probably make detainees at Guantanamo Bay talk.  Once you hear him yelling about FIIIIIIVE HUNDRED DOLLAHHS CAAAASH you will not be able to get it out of your head.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Check out the video.





There are many questions that come to mind when seeing this commercial such as: Why is he yelling so much?…Why is he sticking his middle finger out at us?…and why couldn’t he button up his shirt before he started to film?

However, the biggest puzzle to me is the appearance of the poster hanging over Joe’s right shoulder portraying Lou Holtz coaching at Notre Dame.

Is there some symbolism behind this poster?  Does Lou Holtz represent the quality service that Great Neck Nissan can provide customers?  Or is Joe Valentino just a big Notre Dame fan?

Whenever I see this commercial, despite Joe yelling in my ear, all I can think about is that Notre Dame poster.  What were Joe Valentino’s intentions?

It’s like when you’re in high school and your English teacher asks you to assess the symbolism in some classic novel.  You wonder if the writer intentionally tried to make the novel symbolic or if the symbolism is purely coincidental.

A writer over at The Slightest expresses some profound thoughts on this mystery as well…

“Where does it all go wrong? It’s not the out-of-place Lou Holtz/Notre Dame poster hanging over Valentino’s right shoulder — even though it’s strange in the way that the poster splits the viewer’s attention between the Nissan logo to Valentino’s left and this piece of Fighting Irish nostalgia on his right, I guess visually it does its part to help frame Joe Valentino. That said, while I understand why Notre Dame is popular — I cried watching Rudy, too! — the Irish haven’t been relevant for quite some time, having lost nine straight bowl games until finally getting their mojo back in 2008’s Hawai’i Bowl; hearkening back to this bygone era seems like a mixed message of sorts.”

Sadly…we may never know it’s true meaning. Joe Valentino, if you’re out there…please enlighten us.

One of these theories is “The Mermaid Theory.” According to Barney, The Mermaid Theory is based off the legend that hundreds of years ago, sailors who were at sea for long periods of time would be so desperate for female companionship that they would see manatees in the water as beautiful mermaids.

In modern day terms, Stinson describes the mermaid theory as so:

Every woman, no matter how initially unattractive, has a clock that represents the time it takes for a man to realize he wants to “bone her.” Typically the woman in question is someone close to you that you see on a regular basis. Perhaps it’s a co-worker, a friend or a neighbor. Upon your initial meeting, you won’t find this woman attractive at all, but over time, slowly but surely, you will want to have sex with her.

So is Barney right about the Mermaid Theory? To a certain extent he is.

Certainly if the woman in question weighs 300 pounds and is disgusting in every way imaginable, not even an eternity would be enough to find her attractive. But for plain, slightly below average women (view my hotness scale for reference) this absolutely holds true. Allow me to explain why…

There are three reasons for this. The first reason is availability. Most men aren’t close with many women outside of someone they are dating. It’s hard for us to meet women. We try to pick up chicks at bars and parties but more often than not we fail miserably. Our success rate is worse than Adam Dunn’s batting average. We come up with awful methods for picking up chicks, like hollering at a girl passing by a construction site or beeping the horn at a hot girl jogging. Like Jerry Seinfeld says, sadly these are the best ideas we have. We see these women on an everyday basis and that alone makes them more attractive over time.

The second reason is our imagination. Often times, particularly in a work environment, these mermaids must interact with us on a daily basis. If this woman is the slightest bit friendly, most men we will immediately begin to think she wants to sleep together. I can’t really explain this phenomenon but for some reason men think life is like an episode of Mad Men. We think any woman who gives us the time of day is down to fuck.

Once we entertain the idea that having sex with this person is plausible, our imagination goes to work. We start playing out fantasies in our head such as thinking what it would be like to have sex on our desks during a lunch break. The more wild scenarios we can conjure up in our head, the more attractive this woman becomes to us.

The final reason the Mermaid Theory holds true is because of laziness. Men have a lot going on in their lives. We’re very busy earning a living and running our fantasy football teams. We don’t have the time or the energy to try picking up women. We just want to have sex without having to put out much of an effort. These “mermaids,” are our best chances to have sex without going through the hassle of dating first.

To further prove Barney’s theory, let me illustrate two real-world examples of the Mermaid Theory in action.

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is probably most famous for the “sexual relations” he had with a large, unattractive White House intern by the name of Monica Lewinsky. Clinton, as the most powerful man in the world, probably could have had his pick of any woman he wanted but he chose to sleep with a fatty. So why would the Leader of the Free World do this?

Because of The Mermaid Theory of course!

Clinton ended up fooling around with Lewisnky because she was readily available, he didn’t have a lot of free time and he fantasized about sticking a cigar up her vagina in the Oval Office.

Our second example involves Steve Phillips. Phillips was a former baseball general manager and an analyst for ESPN. He ruined his entire career by cheating on his wife and having sex with a fat production assistant who was much less attractive than his wife. Once again, The Mermaid Theory was to blame. The production assistant was around often and Phillips probably liked the idea of banging a 22-year old on road trips and couldn’t shake that temptation. So he slept with her and lost a nice gig at ESPN in the process.

So as you can see, the Mermaid Theory is indeed true and as men we must be careful when it happens in our life. As you saw in this clip, Marshall took precautions to avoid the Mermaid Theory and so should you. More often than not, having sex with the mermaid will have bad results.

Today’s Unintentionally Funny Local Commercial comes from Gary’s Gutter Service. Gary’s Gutter Service offers a full line of gutter, chimney and roofing services to the Rockland County area in New York.

Gary decided the best way to promote his company was to do something that has never been done before: A cheesy rap by a white guy attempting to be hip.

Check out the video….

So…what are the key ingredients to a cheesy white guy rap commercial? Let’s go down the checklist and see if Gary’s Gutters meets the criteria…

• Middle-aged white guy dressed up in stereotypical black rapper attire from the 1980s? CHECK

• A level of awful dancing that only a white person can achieve? CHECK

• Graffiti writing for the graphics? CHECK

• Lyrics that are cheesy and some that don’t even really rhyme? CHECK

I also enjoyed how he borrowed a line from Sugar Hill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight”… probably because it’s the only rap song he actually knows.

And today only we have a bonus Unintentionally Funny Local Commercial and it features more white people trying to rap. Once again it was an epic fail. It features North Bergen, New Jersey Mayor Nick Sacco pushing a rap video in an effort to get re-elected. I apologize in advance for this song being in your head the rest of the day.

I can’t decide which one is worse. What do you think?

If you find a commercial that you think is worthy, email it to me here.

Kudos to Mrs. Sacks for the tip!

Yes you read that sentence correctly.

Allred was reenacting a recent incident involving Atlanta Braves pitching coach Roger McDowell, where McDowell made homophobic slurs and gestures toward some fans.

Take a look at the video…

There is so much to love about this video but here are a few of my favorite parts…

At the 0:47 mark, Allred quotes McDowell by saying “Are you two giving it to each other up the ass?” Except she doesn’t want to say the word ass, so instead she comes up with what sounded like “The crude word for rear-end.”

Then at the 2:00 minute mark, the poor bastard in the pink tie is asked to help demonstrate the lewd gesture that McDowell made to the fans. Then, for what seems like forever, Allred begins simulating sex with a baseball bat through the fingers of Pink Tie Guy, all while two little girls look on in confusion.

At the 2:04 mark, Pink Tie Guy nods in approval to show Allred that she is indeed demonstrating it properly.

Finally, at the 2:15 mark, Allred pauses and then realizes that maybe she hasn’t demonstrated anal sex with a baseball bat for long enough and continues for 14 more excruciatingly awkward seconds.

You could make a case that this press conference was more offensive than Roger McDowell. What are your thoughts?

Royal Heirloom Ring

Prince William and Kate Middleton and are getting married…and to commemorate the special occasion the “British Historical Society” is allowing a replica of Princess Diana’s engagement ring to be sold to dumb American consumers.

This replica is complete crap. It has something called simulated diamonds and is probably just slightly better quality than something you’d get in a 25-cent vending machine at the supermarket.

But this guy with a British accent sounds really smart, so this must be amazing! He says really sophisticated phrases like “19 dollars 90,”scintillating brilliant cut diamonds” and “hinged decorative velveteen box.”

It also comes with a certificate of authenticity. This certificate authenticates that it is indeed a ring, just not a very good one.

The original price was to be set at $119 dollars but then the British Historical Society realized no one in their right mind would buy this crap for that much.

Pajama Jeans





Since when have jeans becomes too dressy? Now our society is too lazy to put on a decent pair of pants? We have to wear sweatpants that look like jeans? What’s next? Going to a wedding in one of those tuxedo t-shirts?

Just like the ring commercial, the narrator throws out random terms that sound impressive like “mock fly,” “contrast stitching” and “brass rivets.” In other words…it’s sewn together and has buttons.

I also highly doubt that these sweatpants will fill out as well as the women in this commercial that have perfectly round backsides. I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that the clientele that buy this product (fat, white trash women) will not look nearly as good in these pajamas.

The International Star Registry
For just $54.00 the “International Star Registry” will name a star after you. Sounds cool right? If you think that, then you are the biggest sucker on the planet.

According to the web site: “The International Star Registry gift package includes a beautiful 12″ x 16″ parchment certificate, available framed or unframed, with the name of your choice, dedication date, and telescopic coordinates of the star. You’ll also receive an informative booklet with charts of the constellations plus a larger, more detailed chart with the star you name encircled in red.”

Does anyone really believe this? Is the International Star Registry a division of NASA? I highly doubt it. It sounds to me like you are paying 54 bucks for a certificate with your name on it, claiming to now be the name of a made-up star in a fictitious galaxy. Want to get this bogus certificate framed? You’ll have to shell out another 55 dollars.

I did a little research and went on Yahoo! Answers to see what other people think. It seems like other people can verify my claim that this is totally bogus. I personally enjoyed what this person wrote…

“There are numerous companies that will gladly put a name on one of their star charts and charge you a fee for it. None of these are recognized by the astronomical community. The International Astronomical Union is the only body that names bodies in space, and most of the stars are unnamed these days, and only given designation numbers for cataloguing purposes.

So, it would be recognized as “Carl” (or whatever his name is) only by people who have paid for this service after you *bought* that star.

It would be comparable to me and my neighbors walking around calling Highway 22 “Karen’s Road” amongst ourselves. Mapquest wouldn’t recognize this term, and neither would tourists… or anyone who hadn’t been in on our little “unofficial renaming.”

After reading that, I went to the FAQ on the International Star Registry site and saw this…

Q: Will the scientific community recognize my star name?
A: No. We are a private company that provides Gift Packages. Astronomers will not recognize your name because your name is published only in our Star catalog. We periodically print a book called Your Place in the Cosmos which lists the stars that we have named.

It seems like the guy on Yahoo Answers was right. At least they admit their product is a scam.

Obama Chia Pet





Hey remember the Chia Pet from like 20 years ago? Even then it was kind of cheesy. But for some reason, the folks at Chia decided they would “commemorate the inauguration of our 44th President” with a potted plant in the shape of Obama’s face.

The commercial claims it’s a symbol of “Liberty, Opportunity, Prosperity, and Hope”. Seriously? I believe there is a statue on Ellis Island that stands for that. Should we just knock down the Statue of Liberty and put an Obama Chia Pet in its place?

And isn’t it a poor choice by Chia to debut this product on a black president? When the grass grows it clearly looks like he has an afro. In fact, I’m not the only one who thinks this. Apparently some Walgreens stores pulled this product from their shelves after many customers complained it was racist.

I guess that’s why they decided to throw in some Chia’s of dead white president’s just to cover their asses.

As racist as this product may seem, it can’t be worse than the Obama Fried Chicken stores that have popped up in New York.

Flirty Fitness Workout Video





Ladies, have you tried working out at the gym and your just not losing weight? Well maybe you should try dancing like a stripper for 10 days. Yup, thanks to the Flirty Fitness Workout Video, you can drop two pants sizes just by dancing like a whore!

The commercial has a woman dancing on a pole. Who the hell has a pole in their house!?

Ladies let me give you some advice. You can buy a million workout videos. They only work if you actually use them. And even then they are a waste of money. The way to lose weight has never changed. Eat less and exercise. It’s pretty simple.

TV Hat





I’m seriously blown away by this product. And by blown away, I mean I can’t believe someone actually thought it was a good idea to manufacture the “As Seen on TV Hat”. This is the most ridiculous looking thing I’ve ever seen.

First off, look at the length of the bill on this thing. It looks like the hat the kid wore in The Sandlot. Secondly, if you look closely at the pouch on the inside, it’s only big enough to fit an iPod. An iPhone will not fit, even though they mention the iPhone in the commercial—And that’s confirmed here.

Now to the best part of the commercial: the actors wearing the TV Hat.

First you have the girl in the bikini, who is clearly sitting in a studio behind a video of a random beach. They couldn’t even have her facing towards the fake picture of the ocean and make it look semi-realistic.

Then you got the guy on the treadmill that could be Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. Since he’s clearly at his home, couldn’t he just turn on the TV instead of wearing this ridiculous thing, while trying to exercise and watch a video on a 2-inch screen?

Finally, you have the girl at the airport that is laughing hysterically at something she’s watching in her TV hat. How terrified would you be if you saw this woman at the airport, wearing this ridiculous thing, while laughing uncontrollably? I’d hope to God she wasn’t boarding my plane.

There’s really no way anyone would buy this product right? The only way this product could possibly make money is if people decided to buy it as a gag gift for a friend. I’m pretty sure 95 percent of all their sales were used as a gag gift.

If you have a product that could be used in a future edition of Terrible Ideas That Make Money, send me an email.

At the very end of the commercial, the woman goes back home to tell her fiancé the exciting news: that she got, not one…not two…but three vibrators!

Check out the fiance’s reaction to this news…

Why is this man so excited that his future wife received three vibrators!?

If anything, that should be bad news for him. If this vibrator is as good as advertised, she may not need her man anymore. Even if they decide to use one to spice up their sex life from time-to-time, why is he so excited to have three? She only has one vagina! Do they run through vibrators super fast and like to have a couple back-ups just incase? Does he plan on using one on himself somehow? Are they planning a gang-bang?

Can anyone answer this question!?

The Red House is located in North Carolina, which becomes glaringly obvious within the first five seconds of watching this commercial. In an area where racial tensions are high, Red House tries to curb racism while also bringing budget furniture into your home.

Take a look…

WOW…There’s just so much to talk about that I think we need to really dive right in and break this commercial down from start to finish…

0:02: Black guy quotes Rodney King, while sitting in-between two unkempt white men. Apparently nothing brings black people and white people together like a low-end furniture store in North Carolina.

0:06: Two young guys that seem out of place in this commercial sing an annoying jingle. I’m assuming they are college interns who apparently had no clue what they were in for when their advisor set them up at Red House.

0:15: We’re formally introduced to the man on the couch. His name is Richard AKA Big Head (incase you’re wondering what his nickname was). If you didn’t know this already, he works at the Red House and he is black.

0:22: Big Head awkwardly shakes a white woman’s hand. Woman reluctantly obliges as she fears she will be mugged by the large colored man if she does not do what he says.

0:25: We’re introduced to Johnny “Ten-Gauge” who decides to share his hobbies with us. Could you have ever guessed that he would enjoy bass fishing and deer hunting? Also…would you trust this man with a credit check?

0:35: Ten Gauge grabs a homeless black man off the street, offers him a six-pack of PBR if he agrees to appear in his commercial. Homeless man agrees.

0:42: A black woman enters the commercial. After debating where to film this epic scene, they decide that a picture of zebras and giraffes would be the ideal backdrop… and wouldn’t you know it? She’s black and also loves the Red House. Martin Luther King’s dream lives!

0:48: White guy wearing a Charlotte Hornets shirt from 1995 struggles to read his line. He finally gets it some-what right on his 35th take.

0:50: Cue the interns, who if they ever want to get a job will omit this from their resume

0:52: Fat guy in orange fleece continues the trend of awkward physical contact with Big Head

0:57: Big Head jumps on the couch. How great would it have been if he said “Fuck yo couch n-gga!”

1:04: Johnny Ten Gauge hops on a mattress which is adjacent to a stove, a skid and some random boxes. Another great backdrop by the boys from Red House

1:21: Big Head lets us know that “expanic” people also shop there. I’m assuming he means Hispanic. Unfortunately, they could not find any homeless Hispanic people outside their store.

1:30: Commercial mercifully ends but not before some more awkward touching.

Oh but wait…there’s more!! Red House has posted behind-the-scenes footage from the filming of the commercial. In the extras, Ten Gauge brags about his deer hunting and bass fishing conquests, the interns share their vision, and some new characters— who amazingly weren’t good enough to make the cut— make an appearance.

Thanks to “Yermom” over at http://pst-mod-talko.blogspot.com/ for the tip on this commercial.  If you have a commercial in your area that you think is worthy of appearing on this series, please send me the link and I will give you credit.

However, now that I’m older and I see re-runs on TBS, I realize just how ridiculous the show was. I still enjoy it but only because I now can laugh at the sheer absurdity of the show.

In honor of one of my favorite childhood shows, here are the five cheesiest moments from Saved by the Bell

#5 Friends Forever

Zack falls asleep while practicing his guitar in the garage and dreams of making it big in the music biz. In his dream, Zack and his friends form the band “Zack Attack” and become an instant sensation. But the “fame” gets to Zack’s head, causing him to sport a hideous spiked hair-do and a gaudy chain (which I unfortunately could not find a picture for). Then later on, he alienates the other members of the band and starts a solo career. At the end of the episode, the gang reconciles and reunites to perform this “hit” song.

#4 Buddy Bands

When Zack shuts out Slater and the crew from his friendship bracelet business, Slater starts his own rival company and creates “Buddy Bands.” The Buddy Band itself is a major fashion faux pas, even for 80’s standards, but its Slater’s marketing attempt that make this one of the cheesiest Saved by the Bell moments of all-time.

#3 There’s No Hope with Dope

When TV star Johnny Dakota comes to Bayside to do an anti-drug commercial, the gang is excited to meet him. But when they find out that Johnny is a pot head, Zack and the crew decide to shoot their own commercial. If this was a real advertisement, I would feature it on Unintentionally Funny Local Commercials.

CLICK HERE TO SEE VIDEO (Embedding was disabled on this video)

#2 Zack and Kelly Break-up

This scene was very upsetting to me the first time I saw it. Now, as I watch it as an adult, the only thing upsetting to me is the acting performance of Tiffany Amber-Thiessen. Saved by the Bell’s royal couple breaks up at a masquerade ball, while wearing a prince and princess outfit. Oh the subtle irony of the Saved by the Bell writers!

All the while, Jessie Spano and A.C. Slater, wearing Egyptian outfits, jam out in perfect harmony to a Michael Bolton song, while Zack and Kelly have one last dance before Kelly leaves him for the new manager of a bad burger joint. Such heart-wrenching drama!

Saved By The Bell Breakup
Uploaded by BlackWriter22. – Classic TV and last night’s shows, online.

#1 I’m So Excited, I’m so…Scared!!

Perhaps the most famous scene in Saved by the Bell history, this scene catapulted Elizabeth Berkley into a lifetime as a D-list actress. The poor acting and bad dialogue in this scene was unmatched by any other actress for years. It would remain unmatched until Elizabeth Berkley starred in Showgirls.