A couple weeks have passed since my wedding day and the craziness is finally behind me. Now that I’ve had time to reflect on the whirlwind that was the past few months of my life, I’ve realized I’ve learned a whole lot. Now I will pass on what I’ve learned about weddings, both from the Bride and Groom’s perspective and from a guest’s perspective to you.

ADVICE FOR THE BRIDE AND GROOM

1. When it comes to gifts, some are extremely generous, some are unbelievably cheap and some are just plain weird.

2. Don’t waste all your money (or in my case, her father’s money) on an extravagant cocktail hour. You’ll likely be taking pictures the entire time and chances are you won’t even make it there. Don’t spend the $8 per person charge for the chocolate fountain because you probably won’t get a taste. (more…)

I’m getting married this week and that means I’ll be committing to one woman for the rest of my life—or does it? 

Like a lot of couples, my future wife and I have jokingly made a “cheat list.”  This cheat list contains a list of celebrities.  If by some chance we are presented with an opportunity to sleep with one of these five people, we are allowed to do so without any repercussions.

As part of the continuing wedding series, here is our official “cheat list.”  

Johnny Sacks’ List

Gianna Michaels
Gianna Michaels— an internet porn star—is not the hottest girl but she has amazing natural breasts and the biggest ass I’ve ever seen on a white girl.  That’s not even the reason why she’s on this list.  Go to YouPorn, search for Gianna Michaels, watch one of her videos for five minutes and then come back (pull your pants up first).  This girl gives a blow job like she needs dick for sustenance.  (more…)

It’s time for a special edition of one of my most popular features: Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. Since I’ll be getting married in a few weeks, I thought I’d do a special edition dedicated to the people involved in planning a wedding (This will be the first of a number of wedding-related posts this month, so be sure to look out for those).

As anyone who has ever gotten married can confirm, the process of planning a wedding can be a very stressful experience. Whether it’s dealing with vendors, struggling with financial issues, trying to calm down a bridezilla or countless other unforeseen problems, the wedding process is sure to leave you aggravated at some point. Here are a few people I’ve wanted to punch along the way.

The “You’re Next!” Guy
This is a warning for any recently engaged couple. For any wedding you attend during your engagement, be prepared for at least 30 people to remind you that you are the next couple to get married. This usually comes from distant cousins and friends you haven’t seen in ages, who can’t think of anything else intelligent to say to you, while you stand around drinking cocktails. “HEY GUYS!! YOU’RE NEXT!!”

Thanks for the tip, Cousin Whose Name I Can Never Remember! I wasn’t sure how the Christian calendar worked. So July comes after May? Good thing you reminded me!

This number increases exponentially with each wedding you attend. So just be prepared to laugh it off, while deep down you’ll want to knock them the fuck out. (more…)

For a little more than three weeks each month, I’m engaged to a wonderful woman who makes me very happy.  But for one week each month she turns into a terrible monster—like a werewolf when a full moon is out—and she no longer resembles the person I’m going to marry.  The week she gets her period, my girl becomes a shell of her former self and turns into a frightening creature that crushes everything in her path.

This is often an unpleasant experience for the both of us.  Everything I do annoys her, which results in her yelling at me, which in turn gets me pissed at her for getting mad at me for no reason.

But FEAR NOT! Through trial and error, I’ve learned ways to take down this monster—like a stake in the heart of a vampire.  Practice these methods listed below and you can escape the Period Monster’s evil clutches. (more…)

If you’re a white guy with a thing for black women, than you are in luck.  A recent story by the Washington Post revealed that marriages between black women and white men are on the rise.  According to a 2008 population survey, interracial marriages have doubled over the past decade.

So why is this becoming more commonplace? According to the story, black women are in “market failure.” Single black women with college degrees outnumber single black men with college degrees almost 3 to 1 in major urban areas.  These women are having trouble meeting a black man who meets their standards.  Therefore, they are giving up on tradition and looking outside their race for a mate. (more…)

The month of February features a holiday in which a bunch of hicks in Pennsylvania look to a rodent for weather predictions. Yet Groundhog Day is still not the dumbest holiday in the month of February. That honor belongs to Valentine’s Day.

Now I am not one of those angry, lonely people who get bitter every Valentine’s Day because I can’t get laid. I’m engaged and I still hate the holiday!

So why do I think Valentine’s Day is one of the dumbest holiday’s ever? Here are a few reasons…

IT’S AN ARBITRARY DATE
February 14th has no significance to me. Nothing special has happened on this date. No one I know was born on this date. It’s not our anniversary. The U.S.A. didn’t storm the beaches of Normandy on February 14th. So why should I care? There’s no reason to celebrate. Valentine’s Day has as much significance to me as Arbor Day. So how did Valentine’s Day come about? Why is it on February 14th? (more…)

In the 2001 movie Training Day, academy award winning actor Denzel Washington, plays a crooked cop who owes money to the Russian Mob. In one of the final scenes, when Denzel’s life is in danger, he utters one of the most famous movie lines in recent history saying, “I run shit here, you just live here!…King Kong ain’t got SHIT on me! (see clip below)

In the world of relationships, make no mistake about, Women run shit. Men just live here.   Most men claim to wear the pants but in actuality all women control the relationship. 

Despite the best efforts of women, we are still a male-dominated society.  Women still make less money than men on average, males hold more high-level jobs and women are continually portrayed as sex objects on television. (For the record, I’m not saying this is how it should be, these are just facts).

However, once the man enters a long-term relationship, those inequities no longer apply because women hold the one key that tips the relationship scale in their favor…THE VAGINA. Despite the best efforts of George Constanza and other men, we have no upper hand, because if we do anything wrong, the woman will withhold entry to the best place on Earth.  For this reason, men always have to make a conscious effort to be on their best behavior. (more…)

Sharing your home with a woman presents a number of challenges. As someone who just recently began doing this for the first time, I am discovering new challenges every day. Perhaps the most daunting task I’ve faced is completing a perfect run to the supermarket. 

As the man, you are often the one sent to the store to pick up some groceries for dinner. To the distant observer this would seem like an easy task, however, it is far from it.  Since moving in with my fiancé, I’ve been sent to the store dozens of times and I have yet to complete the perfect supermarket run.  Whether it’s forgetting something, buying the wrong brand or picking out bad fruit, I always mess something up.

The pressure mounts with each trip to the market.  I know if I screw something up I am either getting yelled at or sent back to the store…or both.  As I’m browsing the aisles, the tension grows.  Even the most basic items turn into a guessing game for me. This is my thought process for about every item on the list… (more…)

A recent University of Montreal study on the effect of pornography on young men ran into a roadblock when it could not find a single male who hasn’t watched porn.

This should come as a surprise to no one.  ALL MEN watch porn.  I bet those “saintly” Duggar kids even watch it.  They just won’t admit it. 

The researchers wanted to compare the views of men in their 20s who have watched porn compared to those who haven’t.  Since the researchers could not find a single male for the study, they decided to focus their research on the effects of pornography.  (more…)

A while back, I wrote a post called TV Shows you can Watch with your Girl.  The idea of the post was to find shows that you and your girlfriend/ spouse/ fiancé/ mistress etc. could watch together.  However, as the boyfriend, there are plenty of times you get stuck watching TV shows you can’t bear to watch. 

For me, most of those shows are on the Lifetime Network.  When I come home, Lifetime is on. When I go to bed, Lifetime is on. It’s gotten so bad that I am starting to see repeats of these shows.  It’s because of this network that I no longer feel bad subjecting her to nine hours of football on Sunday. 

To help you guys out, I am going to break down all the shows I am forced to watch. Some are on the Lifetime network, while others are not. If your girl ever puts any of these shows on, take the advice of Biff Tannen: Make like a tree and get outta there. 

I will rate each one on a scale of 1-5 with 1 being the most tolerable and five making you want to jump off a bridge.  Click on the links to video clips if you dare.  (more…)