Meetings. Anyone with a job has been forced to sit though one or several hundred at some point. Some jobs require more meetings than others. In my job, I’m forced to sit through my fair share of them.

Meetings are a weird place. They have weird rules and cultures that cannot be found anywhere else in society. You act a certain way and use phrases that no person has ever uttered outside of a conference room in the history of mankind.

Where else but in a meeting do you use the word “nay” or “quorum”? Where else in life do we make a motion or have an agenda? That isn’t the worst part of it…

Minutes. This is by far, the most ridiculous part of the meeting. The only thing worse than sitting through a meeting is reading a recap of last week’s meeting.

“In case you were lucky enough to miss it last week, here’s what Suzy had to say about expense reports for ten minutes last week!” Then… after everyone pretends to read it… someone has to make a motion to approve the minutes!

There is always that one asshole who actually reads the minutes and feels the need to point out every mistake, such as the misspelling of a last name or the improper use of the word “whom.” At this point, we’re already 15 minutes into the meeting and we’re still talking about last week’s meeting. FUCK!

In my job, a different person takes minutes each week. I always feel bad for the poor fucker whose turn it is. Not only does he or she have to sit through this meeting but they have to pay attention! That’s BRUTAL. I think I’d have more fun writing notes on something I saw on C-SPAN than I would keeping minutes. I prefer to day dream, doodle in my notepad and text throughout the entire meeting until my boss interrupts me by asking my opinion on the matter.

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I hate when that happens. There’s nothing worse than when you zone out during a meeting and the boss asks you to chime in and you have no idea what everyone is talking about. It’s like being back in grade school when your teacher knows you weren’t listening and calls you on anyway to make an example out of you.

I remember a time where I completely zoned out for a good 10-15 minutes. Some guy was babbling on out about something. I’m not sure what. I wasn’t really listening. Apparently it had to do with me because after he finally shut up, someone turned to me and said, “John, What do you think?”

I literally did not process a word this guy had said. I did not have the slightest clue what he just rambled on about. So I sat there frozen, for what seemed like forever, and just yelled out. YES. That’s ALL I said. Everyone chuckled and then moved on.

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Then there’s always the new business and old business section of the meeting. This rivals the minutes for the worst part of the meeting. It’s always the last thing on the agenda. You’ve been stuck in this conference room for an hour or two now and you can see the finish line. You’re almost done! Then the old business/ new business part of the agenda comes up. WTF! Isn’t old business what we talked about in the last meeting? Isn’t that what minutes are for?!

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Another constant at all meetings is food. There is always food at a meeting. I think that’s how they lure you in because no one would ever go otherwise. There are all sorts of foods at a meeting: There could be bagels, cookies, a nice cheese spread. I never know if I should eat or not. Is it appropriate to stuff my face during the meeting in front of my co-workers? What if I have to contribute and my mouth is full? What if I spill something? Anytime I take a bite during a meeting, I feel like everyone is watching me, waiting for me doing something disgusting while I eat.

I had a meeting once where my boss decided to order every one lunch. Great right! Free lunch! We ordered Chinese food and I got spare ribs. I immediately regretted this decision. Here I am. It’s 1:00. (Yes we like to have our meetings during lunch time) I’m starving and I want to eat my lunch before it gets cold but we’re in a meeting and I ordered SPARE RIBS. Can I really sit there and chew off a bone, pick my teeth and use a wet nap in the middle of this meeting?

We need to put an end to meetings everywhere. Ninety percent of meetings are bullshit and a complete waste of everyone’s time. I motion for a ban of all meetings. Does anyone second the motion? Yay or Nay?