Saturday, August 7, 2010, 6:58 pm EST, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Owen: This weekend is gonna be awesome Joey! A weekend in Philly, tickets to see Mets/ Phillies at Citizens Bank Park. Hopefully, we’ll see a Mets W and then we’ll drink our face off and maybe even bang a broad on Broad Street. I’m fuckin’ pumped!

Joey: Fat chance of that happenin’ brah. I can’t believe you convinced me to book this trip back in April. What da fuck was I thinkin’ brah? A Mets/ Phillies series in August? I should have known by now the Mets would be well on their way to another dissapointin’ season and deez fuckin’ Phillies would be heatin’ up just in time to shit all ovah the Mets once again…oh and you ain’t gettin’ laid either.

Owen: Whatever man. Mets aren’t done yet. And if they lose—at least we had an excuse to get away for the weekend and have a good time.

Joey: Fuck dat shit. This ain’t a weekend getaway! I feel dirty just being in this shithole of a city. Ya got any hand sanitizer?

Owen: I don’t. Sorry. Let’s just get to our seats. The games about to start.

(1 ½ hours later. Bottom of the sixth. Game tied 0-0)

Owen: Oh man. Johan Santana is looking awesome! A no-hitter and he’s almost through six innings! We could end up witnessing history man! Could this be the first ever no-hitter in Mets history?

Joey: Whaddya fuckin’ nuts? Not only will Santana NOT throw a no-hitter, but I guarantee that he will leave the game widda lead and then that dumb fuckin’ spic K-Rod will blow the game once again.

Owen: We gotta get a lead first. We still don’t have a run!

Joey: Good point. I guess that would be too much to ask for a run. God, I hate ‘dis fuckin’ team.

(Placido Polanco singles, breaking up the no-hitter)

Joey: FUCK!

Drunk Phillies Fan Sitting Next to Them: Yeaaaaah baby. Mets fuckin suck! They still don’t have a no-hitter! HAHAHA! METS SUCK! METS SUCK! METS SUCK!

Joey: Fuck you, ya piece-a-shit. Go fuckin’ choke on a fuckin’ cheesesteak! I will beat da shit outta you and then go bang ya whore of a motha! Why don’t you go vomit on another little girl or give beer to your two-year old!

Owen: Dude! Take it easy. You’re gonna get us thrown out of here!

Joey: I don’t give a shit man. Fuck deez Phillies fans brah! They are all white trash. They got no fuckin’ class.

(Next inning. Jeff Francoeur leading off for the Mets…)

Joey: Great. Francoeur is up. When was da last time did piece of shit got a hit! We gotta get rida this guy!

(Francoeur smacks a home run. Mets take a 1-0 lead)

Joey: YES!! FRENCHY! YOU’RE THE MAN! (screams obnoxiously to Phillies fans around him for five minutes straight) LET’S GO METS! LET’S GO METS! LET’S GO METS!

10 Phillies fans throw garbage at him. Joey finally sits back down.

Owen: God you are so embarrassing. I can’t bring you anywhere.

Joey: Ahhh. I’m just having some fun. We’re in Philly! They don’t even care. These douchebags are too concerned with Eagles training camp to even know what’s going on in this game. Philly isn’t a baseball town. It’s nuttin’ buta bunch of fugazzi’s here.

Owen: Good point. So what do you think? Can we hold on to this lead?

Joey: I don’t know brah. I just hope they keep Santana in the game. I don’t trust K-Rod.

30 minutes later: Bottom of the Eighth. Mets still lead 1-0.

Joey: Fuck man. 1st and 2nd— Nobody out for the Phillies. We’re gonna fuckin’ lose man. I know it.

Owen: You’re boy K-Rod is warming up in the bullpen.

Joey: Great. Please don’t put in him in Manuel. This game is ovah if K-Rod comes in.

Jerry Manuel motions for Francisco Rodriguez.

Joey: FUCK! I’m outta here man. I can’t watch dis shit.

Owen: You’re leaving now!? It’s the biggest part of the game!

Joey: I can’t watch dis shit. Not here. Not behind enemy lines. I can’t sit here when K-Rod blows this game and 40,000 asshole Phillies fans are celebratin’ around me. I’m outta here.

Owen: Where you gonna go?

Joey: I don’t care. Anywhere but here.

After the game

Phone rings. Joey answers

Joey: So how bad was it Owen?

Owen: Dude, where are you? (with Phillies fans sceaming in the background: E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!!)

Joey: I’m by the art museum, pissing on the Rocky statue.

Owen: hahaha! You crazy bastard! You missed it!

Joey: Missed what?

Owen: K-Rod got out of the jam in the eighth, then retired the side in the ninth. Mets won the game 1-0!

Joey: YES! I can’t believe it! WE WON! FUCK PHILADELPHIA!

Owen: Come back here over to the stadium. I’m gonna go to McFadden’s, drink some more and talk shit to Phillies fans all night, and hopefully no one will murder me.