A new study by the University of California-San Francisco is suggesting that males who have trouble getting laid will be more likely to drink alcohol than their male counterparts who are fortunate enough to engage in frequent sexual activity.

Researchers found that male fruit flies who had recently mated were less likely to choose food laced with alcohol than those who failed to get their dick wet. The rejected male fruit flies drank from the spiked mixture about 70 percent of the time, compared to about 50 percent of the time for the lucky flies who got their nut off. Apparently the researchers believe that the flies were using the alcohol as a way to compensate for their sexual frustration. (more…)

This past week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother peaked my interest when I discovered the title of the episode was called “The Drunk Train.”

Many of you may have no clue what the Drunk Train is but as a native of Long Island, I am quite familiar with “The Drunk Train,” which is the last train home from New York City to Long Island on a Friday or Saturday night. It is affectionately referred to as the Drunk Train because just about everyone on the train has reached the peak of their drunkenness for the evening during the trip home.

In the episode, Barney and Ted decide they are going to hop on the Drunk Train in an effort to find slutty, drunk Long Island women to have sex with. The episode was a good idea in theory but the writers failed at portraying what The Drunk Train is really like.

Before I explain what the Drunk Train is really like, you must understand the underlying causes of the Drunk Train.

The Cause of the Drunk Train
The Long Island Rail Road has a very limited schedule after midnight. Typically there is a train to most stops sometime in the 1 a.m. hour. After that, there usually isn’t another one until about 4 a.m.

Not wanting to wait up to three hours for the next train to come at 4:00 a.m., all the Long Islanders leave whatever bar they were at and rush to Penn Station to cram onto a 1:45 a.m. train. Since just minutes ago many of these people were doing Jaeger bombs and shots of Café Patron, there was no time for them to sip on a glass of water and sober up a bit before heading home.

With all these inebriated people crammed onto a train, the ride home becomes just as much of an adventure as the night preceding it. (more…)

Who the hell are we to answer that question?? Can we really assume you’re a creep just for being in a bar without friends? AB-SO-EFFIN-LUTELY!!!

I’ve spent plenty of time at bars alone. I’ve also spent plenty of time at bars with friends. There are drastic differences in how the bartender perceives you, how patrons perceive you, and believe it or not…how you perceive yourself.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a creep. But, I also know plenty of non-creeps who find themselves at bars alone. The reason that I’m writing this article is because I find it interesting that the answer to this blog doesn’t lie in truth…it lies in perception. (more…)

This is always a great time of year at Living with Balls. The Super Bowl is around the corner, which is usually exciting in its own right. But because I create my annual Super Bowl drinking game, I see a huge spike in visits. My pageviews nearly double because of it. Apparently, there are plenty of degenerates in this country looking to get obliterated during the Super Bowl.

I’m not a big drinker these days but I plan on getting blitzed on Super Bowl Sunday. As a Jets fan, I couldn’t imagine a worse Super Bowl than Patriots vs. Giants. Sure it was great in 2008, when the Giants took down the undefeated Pats. I was right there, rooting for Big Blue. But now I’m just tired of it. I have obnoxious Giants fans gloating to me in one ear and even more obnoxious Patriots fans gloating in the other. I hope to get good and drunk and forget the result of the game.

But enough about me. You came here to find a Super Bowl drinking game. Well, you came to the right place. As always, I must warn you with this disclaimer:

This drinking game is not for the casual drinker. Proceed with caution. Living with Balls is not responsible if you get violently ill from playing this game. Feel free to adjust the rules to your tolerance or just quit playing when you’re good and drunk.

I have set up a game for both beer and shots. You’re welcome to do one or the other, or play both if you’re feeling daring. (more…)

The word gay has evolved over the years. Back in the day it was a word for happy and jovial. Then it became a word to describe a man who is sexually attracted to other men. But recently, it’s also taken on new meaning. The term gay now refers to something that is lame, stupid or effeminate.

In the original Living with Balls series, I will take a close look at something that may be perceived as “gay” (in the most recent definition) among fellow men and determine if it truly is gay or if it’s a perfectly manly thing to do.

As a man, the following situation comes up often in our lives:

You are out at a bar or restaurant and you want to get yourself an alcoholic beverage but you’re not quite sure what you want. You’re tired of the same options and want to try something a little different. You take a look at the menu and you see drinks such as frozen strawberry margaritas, berry sangria, and sex on the beach.

For a brief moment, you think about ordering one of these beverages but then you picture your friends mocking you for holding a pink drink and you think better of it and order a beer instead. Did you make the right move?

It’s a question that many men struggle with: Is it gay to order a fruity drink?

Since the beginning of alcohol, there have been drinks designated as effeminate, while others are labeled as manly drinks. History has proven this to be true… (more…)

The three major American beer companies (Bud, Coors, Miller) are in a continuous battle with each other. However, it’s not a battle to see which company can make better beer. It’s about which company can come up with the more ridiculous beer bottle gimmick.

As time goes on, each company has tried to outdo the other by changing their beer bottle in a way that supposedly makes their mediocre beer more appealing. It seems like one idea is more absurd than the other.

It made me wonder…if things continue along this path, what will beer bottles be like in the future?

Well I decided to fire up the DeLorean and bring back some beer bottles of the future to show you what gimmicks these companies have in store for the naïve consumer in the years to come.

The Coors Light Absolute Zero Can (more…)

We tip for many services in this country on nearly a daily basis. Over the years, I’ve observed that our tipping etiquette has gotten out of whack. We over-tip for some services and under-tip for others.

In this post I’ve analyzed some major services we receive regularly and shown exactly how gratuity has become disproportionate.

It all starts with bartenders who are the main reasons for the inequality…

BARTENDERS
Bartenders benefit from generous tipping more than any other service. Think about it…Let’s say I order a $4 beer from the bartender. For the bartender taking the cap off the bottle or pouring me a draft, I’m expected to give a $1 tip. That is a 25 percent tip! When you consider that a monkey could probably be taught to do this, the gratuity seems pretty steep. Now if you were to order a more complicated drink that takes a level of skill to make (i.e. a martini), then a tip is warranted. Though even for that, 25 percent seems a bit much.

What’s even more annoying is when bars charge an uneven dollar amount for their beer. Let’s say the price of the beer is $4.50. I hand the bartender $5 dollars and I’m given 50 cents back in change. What the heck am I supposed to do with 50 cents? I can’t tip 50 cents because it looks cheap to leave change. So now I have to reach into my pocket and get another dollar for a tip and I’m left with 50 cents, which will probably end up on the floor of my car or in between my couch cushions. (more…)

Do you like to drink but you don’t like those empty calories? Do you want to enjoy yourself during happy hour without the worry of putting on excess pounds? What drinks will get you drunk the fastest, while providing the fewest number of calories? All these questions can be answered at the The Efficient Drinker.

I came across the web site the other day and it will change the way I order drinks at the bar. The site has created an efficiency ratio to determine which beers will achieve the desired result of alcohol (getting drunk), while providing the fewest number of calories. (more…)