A couple weeks have passed since my wedding day and the craziness is finally behind me. Now that I’ve had time to reflect on the whirlwind that was the past few months of my life, I’ve realized I’ve learned a whole lot. Now I will pass on what I’ve learned about weddings, both from the Bride and Groom’s perspective and from a guest’s perspective to you.

ADVICE FOR THE BRIDE AND GROOM

1. When it comes to gifts, some are extremely generous, some are unbelievably cheap and some are just plain weird.

2. Don’t waste all your money (or in my case, her father’s money) on an extravagant cocktail hour. You’ll likely be taking pictures the entire time and chances are you won’t even make it there. Don’t spend the $8 per person charge for the chocolate fountain because you probably won’t get a taste. (more…)

I’m getting married this week and that means I’ll be committing to one woman for the rest of my life—or does it? 

Like a lot of couples, my future wife and I have jokingly made a “cheat list.”  This cheat list contains a list of celebrities.  If by some chance we are presented with an opportunity to sleep with one of these five people, we are allowed to do so without any repercussions.

As part of the continuing wedding series, here is our official “cheat list.”  

Johnny Sacks’ List

Gianna Michaels
Gianna Michaels— an internet porn star—is not the hottest girl but she has amazing natural breasts and the biggest ass I’ve ever seen on a white girl.  That’s not even the reason why she’s on this list.  Go to YouPorn, search for Gianna Michaels, watch one of her videos for five minutes and then come back (pull your pants up first).  This girl gives a blow job like she needs dick for sustenance.  (more…)

It’s time for a special edition of one of my most popular features: Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. Since I’ll be getting married in a few weeks, I thought I’d do a special edition dedicated to the people involved in planning a wedding (This will be the first of a number of wedding-related posts this month, so be sure to look out for those).

As anyone who has ever gotten married can confirm, the process of planning a wedding can be a very stressful experience. Whether it’s dealing with vendors, struggling with financial issues, trying to calm down a bridezilla or countless other unforeseen problems, the wedding process is sure to leave you aggravated at some point. Here are a few people I’ve wanted to punch along the way.

The “You’re Next!” Guy
This is a warning for any recently engaged couple. For any wedding you attend during your engagement, be prepared for at least 30 people to remind you that you are the next couple to get married. This usually comes from distant cousins and friends you haven’t seen in ages, who can’t think of anything else intelligent to say to you, while you stand around drinking cocktails. “HEY GUYS!! YOU’RE NEXT!!”

Thanks for the tip, Cousin Whose Name I Can Never Remember! I wasn’t sure how the Christian calendar worked. So July comes after May? Good thing you reminded me!

This number increases exponentially with each wedding you attend. So just be prepared to laugh it off, while deep down you’ll want to knock them the fuck out. (more…)